A rough few days.

Dearest Samuel,

We have had an adventure the last few days, going to Melbourne for your Godmother Teena to meet you and for me to get away from home just for a few days. Even now that we are home I don't know if going away was the right thing to do. It was just me and you and it was scary being away from you father feeling like I couldn't ask Teena to help me if I needed it. (though she insisted on helping anyway)

I think it was bad timing to go away as you were not as settled as you usualy are but that didn't start until we got there and I can't blame you for being unsettled, you were in a new environment, I was stressed and tired, I had to give you a new formula and couldn't express which meant more then likely that I didn't have enough milk for you and on top of all of that you have oral thrush at the moment which must make it uncomfortable and a little painful to feed as well and I think you also have a touch of colic making your little tummy hurt.

What ever it was making you unsettled there were times that I found it really hard to deal with. I felt like I didn't know how to settle you as nothing I did seemed to make it any better, I checked your nappy and you were dry and clean, I had just fed you trying the breast before you got really worked up and pushed me away then giving you bottle until you had drank so much you started bringing it back up. I tried skin to skin contact, wrapping you, not wrapping you, pacing with you, rocking you and nothing seemed to work except for letting you suck my finger or giving you a bottle. You were crying and were all red in the face with tears streaming down your face and I couldn't handle seeing you so upset so I got upset and started crying myself. The first time this happened we were in the middle of Melbourne central shopping centre I knew you were hungry that time but I couldn't find anywhere to feed you and then it kept happening once we got to Teena's. I thought that I was a bad mummy, that I didn't know how to be a mummy because I couldn't figure out what was wrong, getting home today and seeing you still have problems with nanna and dad trying to sooth you showed me that its not just me but that its just that you are not feeling very well at the moment. Hopefully you will feel better soon and we will get things working better.

Right now I am considering if I should get you a dummy or not. I always said that no child of mine would ever have a dummy but you clearly love sucking and it clearly gives you comfort when nothing else will comfort you. I have been researching it all night and my research tells me that while it may put you at risk of some things like dental and speech development problems it could also help you deal with pain and discomfort as well as reducing the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Nanna Kerry wants me to give you a dummy to see if it helps but right now I am unsure if it is the right thing to do. Part of me still thinks I don't want you to have it while another part thinks that if it could make your pain less and make you feel better when nothing else will that I am a bad mummy if I don't get you one. I will discuss this with your daddy tomorrow and then we will decide what we should do.

Right now I want to tell you something important. When you are upset, when you are frustrated and crying or screaming at me sometimes I get upset too but its not you I am upset at. I am upset because you are upset, I am frustrated because you are frustrated and I don't know how to make things better for you. I don't want you to be in pain, I don't want you to cry your little heart out and it upsets me to see you so upset because I love you so much. I know what it is like to cry for a long period of time, I know how bad it can make you feel and I never want you to feel that way.

I love you my beautiful little boy, some days might be hard, sometimes there may be times when I wonder if I can be a good mum or wonder if I did the right thing having you but it only lasts a moment because when I look at you I am filled with such love that it takes away the bad feelings and I know that while I may never be a perfect mum as long as I always do what i beleive is best for you that will be all that matters. You are my little man and such a precious gift from the great ones and I can not imagine what my life would be like now after only a few weeks if I had never had you.