Dear Samuel,

The last twenty four hours have been an emotional rollercoaster. Last
night you starting screaming anytime I tried to put you to the breast
and it really upset me. I started really having to consider giving up
this morning when you kept screaming any time I tried to feed you and
by this afternoon I was at the end of my rope and didn't know what to
do. So I let nana look after you while I went and had coffee with a
friend. When I arrived home you were awake and happily kicking your
legs and waving your arms around on your mat on the floor. As soon as
you heard my voice you began looking around for me, the moment I came
over to you, you looked up at me, smiled and my heart melted. It was
at this moment that I decided I would continue trying to get
breastfeeding work at least for a little longer. At your next feed I
again tried the supplement system and this time you nursed and took
happily from me for about half an hour. I just tried the sns again and
again you took from me. You were sucking for half an hour and when you
came off I realized that the tube was too far back which means the
entire time you were having my milk. This has made me feel so much
better and while I know we may still have to give up I have found the
strength to continue trying for a little longer.

First smile and first tonque poke

Dear Samuel,

Five weeks old today, how time flies. Everyday you are growing, sometimes I could almost beleive that I can see you growing in front of my eyes while I watch. Every week brings changes physicaly in you as well as in the things you seems to be able to do. This week you have started smiling at us, not just wind smiles but real smiles that lights up your whole face, smiles where while you are smiling at us you hold eye contact with us. Everytime I see one of your smiles it doesn't matter how tired I am or how bad I might be feeling your smile makes me smile. Seeing you smile, knowing that you are happy brings me such comfort and joy and the knowdlege that despite our breastfeeding problems that I am a good mother and that you are happy and healthy. As well as your smile you have started interacting more with us and have learnt to stick your tonque out at us. It is so cute when you stick your tonque out at us but your such a smart little boy child that you stick your tonque out at us 'after' we have stuck ours out at you.

This week has mostly been quiet. We went and saw the lactation consultant again and have been trying a new feeding system that lets you have both breast and formula at the same time, again showing how smart you are you have figured out how to get rid of the nipple and just get your milk from the tube so I am having to watch carefully to make sure you are getting both. So far I don't know if I can call it a success but we are at least trying it and as I have said to everyone around me I will try everything I can before giving up on trying breastfeed you and even then I will continue to give you the little bit I can until I am no longer making any milk.

My darling boy, you have bought such joy and happiness into my world, into the dark that I was living in you have brought light. I look around me and everything seems different, the world feels like a new place full of potential, full of good things and while there are bad things out there the good things right now far outweigh any of those bad things.

Thank you for bringing the joy in to my life little man, the day you came in to our life our world became a better place.

Love
Mummy.

You did it!

Dear Samuel,

Tonight you have made me so happy. Tonight you nursed for a good amount of time, suckling the whole time apart from a tiny winge right at the start, not only did you nurse for a long period of time but you fed until you went to sleep and then when we put you in your bassinet you stayed asleep.

This has made me happy for a few reasons the first of course if because of how difficult a time we have been having trying to feed, some days you don't want me at all so it feels so nice to have had you want me.

The second reason I am happy is because you nursed to sleep without the need for a formula top up. Only earlier today I was wondering if there would ever be even one feed that you didn't take formula after and now only hours later you have given that to me.

The last reason I am happy is that you fed to sleep. We have been having lots of trouble getting you to sleep this week but today has been different. Without anyone here to interrupt us your father and I have paid close attention to you and the signs you give us that you are tired. As soon as we have seen the signs that you are tired we have started trying to settle you to sleep and as a result of this we have not had any of those moments where you are so over tired that you scream and scream and nothing we can do will get you to settle. So to have you settle again was fantastic but to have you settle while feeding from me felt even better.

Thank you little man I now feel like things will work out, that because you have done it once I know that you can do it again. I am so proud of you little man you are doing so well for such a tiny little boy so new to this world.

Love always your happy and proud
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
This time four weeks ago I was sitting in the chair that I am sitting in right now timing contractions. They were starting to come much more frequently and were becomming much more painful. It was about this time that I knew that I was really in labour and would be meeting you soon. I thought that labour would take hours and hours so when you were born only five hours after we arrived at the hospital I was very surprised and so happy to meet you and hold you in my arms at last.

There are so many things I want to do with you as you grow up, so many experiences that I want to share with you and your daddy. I want us to go overseas and explore the world, I want to teach you how important family is and have you know that your family will always love and support you. I want to show you that its the simple things in life that matter. You don't need to spend a lot of money and have all the latest gadgets to be happy, to be happy all you need in life is a safe roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in at night, enough good quality healthy food to fill your belly and love and acceptance from your family. It doesn't matter what else you own, if you have these things, if you understand that these things are what is important then you are rich in greater ways then money could ever allow you to be.

Today I had to leave you for a few hours so that I could go and see the doctor and do some food shopping, the whole time I was out all I could think about was getting home to you as quickly as I could. I hate leaving you even for short periods of time, time is passing so quickly that I don't want to miss a moment of your young life. Sometimes I watch you when you are sleeping and think how lucky I am to have you.

Four weeks ago at this point in time I didn't have a clue how much my life was about to change or how much I could love such a little human being. I love you more then all the stars in the sky, I love you more then all the grains of sand on the earth. I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. My love for you grows stronger and deeper with every passing day. Thank you my little man for showing me how deep love can be, thank you for showing me that I can love and be loved without fearing that I will lose that love. Now I know how it feel to love and be loved unconditionaly.

In four weeks you have grown so much and everyday you seem to want to interact with us more and more. When I feed you often you gaze up into my eyes, when I talk to you, sing to you or read to you I know you are listening as your focus is all on me. I can't wait for the day that I hear you call me mum or hear you tell me that you love me, until that day I will tell you how much I love you over and over again so that you grow up knowing that your mummy always loved you no matter what else was happening.

A rough few days.

Dearest Samuel,

We have had an adventure the last few days, going to Melbourne for your Godmother Teena to meet you and for me to get away from home just for a few days. Even now that we are home I don't know if going away was the right thing to do. It was just me and you and it was scary being away from you father feeling like I couldn't ask Teena to help me if I needed it. (though she insisted on helping anyway)

I think it was bad timing to go away as you were not as settled as you usualy are but that didn't start until we got there and I can't blame you for being unsettled, you were in a new environment, I was stressed and tired, I had to give you a new formula and couldn't express which meant more then likely that I didn't have enough milk for you and on top of all of that you have oral thrush at the moment which must make it uncomfortable and a little painful to feed as well and I think you also have a touch of colic making your little tummy hurt.

What ever it was making you unsettled there were times that I found it really hard to deal with. I felt like I didn't know how to settle you as nothing I did seemed to make it any better, I checked your nappy and you were dry and clean, I had just fed you trying the breast before you got really worked up and pushed me away then giving you bottle until you had drank so much you started bringing it back up. I tried skin to skin contact, wrapping you, not wrapping you, pacing with you, rocking you and nothing seemed to work except for letting you suck my finger or giving you a bottle. You were crying and were all red in the face with tears streaming down your face and I couldn't handle seeing you so upset so I got upset and started crying myself. The first time this happened we were in the middle of Melbourne central shopping centre I knew you were hungry that time but I couldn't find anywhere to feed you and then it kept happening once we got to Teena's. I thought that I was a bad mummy, that I didn't know how to be a mummy because I couldn't figure out what was wrong, getting home today and seeing you still have problems with nanna and dad trying to sooth you showed me that its not just me but that its just that you are not feeling very well at the moment. Hopefully you will feel better soon and we will get things working better.

Right now I am considering if I should get you a dummy or not. I always said that no child of mine would ever have a dummy but you clearly love sucking and it clearly gives you comfort when nothing else will comfort you. I have been researching it all night and my research tells me that while it may put you at risk of some things like dental and speech development problems it could also help you deal with pain and discomfort as well as reducing the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Nanna Kerry wants me to give you a dummy to see if it helps but right now I am unsure if it is the right thing to do. Part of me still thinks I don't want you to have it while another part thinks that if it could make your pain less and make you feel better when nothing else will that I am a bad mummy if I don't get you one. I will discuss this with your daddy tomorrow and then we will decide what we should do.

Right now I want to tell you something important. When you are upset, when you are frustrated and crying or screaming at me sometimes I get upset too but its not you I am upset at. I am upset because you are upset, I am frustrated because you are frustrated and I don't know how to make things better for you. I don't want you to be in pain, I don't want you to cry your little heart out and it upsets me to see you so upset because I love you so much. I know what it is like to cry for a long period of time, I know how bad it can make you feel and I never want you to feel that way.

I love you my beautiful little boy, some days might be hard, sometimes there may be times when I wonder if I can be a good mum or wonder if I did the right thing having you but it only lasts a moment because when I look at you I am filled with such love that it takes away the bad feelings and I know that while I may never be a perfect mum as long as I always do what i beleive is best for you that will be all that matters. You are my little man and such a precious gift from the great ones and I can not imagine what my life would be like now after only a few weeks if I had never had you.

It's okay to ask for help in life.

Dear Samuel,
This evening marks two weeks since we arrived home from the hospital, two weeks since we were thrown into this new world that we have had to make sense of on our own without the midwife and hospital staff there to step in if I am doing wrong.

The last two weeks have been a steep learning curve, I have had to learn how to manage on a lot less sleep then I am use too as well as learn how to nap when ever I have had the chance too but the biggest lesson for me (apart from learning to look after you) has been to ask other people for help when I have needed it. For as long as I can remember I have had problems asking people for help, afraid that they would think less of me or be annoyed with me for asking but since I had you I have learnt that it is okay to ask for help as long as I am not expecting someone to completly change their life and plans or expecting them to do something that would leave them in a bad position. As you grow up little man I hope that you will learn that it is okay to ask for help when you need it. I hope that you will know that your father and I will always be here for you and will do what ever we can to help you if you ever need it whether it be helping physicaly, emotionaly or with advice we will never turn you away if you come to us and need our help. We will do our best as you grow up to teach you what we can so that you find you are able to help yourself but I hope that we can teach you that it is not weak to ask for help, sometimes in this world there are things that we just can't do alone and must ask for help.

Love
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

The last few days have been all over the place some of them have been good and some of them have been bad but even on the bad days I never ever doubt that I did the wrong thing by having you. The bad days are only bad because I want so much to do the right thing by you and breastfeed you for at least the first six months of your life and some days its just really hard as you get frustrated and hot or tired and you don't feel like trying to feed from me. I understand though, the last thing I would want when it is hot outside is to be that close to another hot body and it must be frustrating for you having got use to bottles to suddenly have to work for more of your food then you usualy do. Yesterday was one of the worse days but we got through it just like we will get through any more bad days that come our way.

The highlight of the last few days was that my brother, your Uncle Luke came down to visit us and spent a few days here. Before he got here I didn't know how he would be with you but he fell in love with you as soon as he saw you and was stopping to kiss you or hug you everytime he walked past. I have photos of him with you and they are beautiful photos. He was so worried about you, asking all the time if you were okay and when you were sleeping, stopping to check that you were still breathing. I hope that he comes and visits us again soon but he lives quite a distance away so it may be a while before he can get down again. Even if he doesn't come down very often just know that Uncle Luke loves you very very much my little man.

Today you have been so good, I have worked out that if I give you a few mouthfuls of your bottle before nursing you that you show more interest in drinking from me and suck for longer then you would if I put you straight there, i think that when you first wake you are so hungry that all you can think is 'want food now' and in your frantic attempt to get my breast in your mouth and feed you don't latch on so good which frustrates you and causes you to cry and cry and cry but if we give you that little bit of bottle first you have a tiny bit in your belly and are able to try harder to nurse with me.

We have taken so many photos of you little man, every day we take more, I just can't help myself you are so beautiful and I don't want to miss a moment of your life, before I know it you will be all grown up and I will be wondering where all that time went. Here are some of the photo's from the last few days that I like the best. My favorite is the one with you and dad asleep in our bed, you look so happy and content in your fathers arms. I wonder if you feel as safe in his arms as I do?

Purpose

Dear Samuel,

I fall in love with you more and more everyday and as everyday passes I wonder how I ever lived life without you in it. In under two weeks you have turned my world upside down and I like it much more now then I did before you were here with us. You have brought your father and I closer together then we have been in a long time, watching you when you sleep brings a smile to my face even when I am exhausted or feeling a little blue.

For a long time I have been searching for my purpose in life, no matter where i turned things didn't seem to make sense, there have always been things I wanted/want to do but nothing that gave me the this is it, this is my purpose in life type of feeling... until now. When I look at you I know my purpose you have given me a greater purpose in my life then I ever thought I would find. I know that my purpose right now is to raise a healthy, happy man that is independant and can stand on his own two feet yet doesn't feel that he can do everything on his own. My purpose now is to teach you the things you need to survive in this world, to show you love, to teach you to show love, to teach you that emotions are not something to be afraid of or something that need to be hidden and to teach you that if you work hard at it you can be what ever you want to be. Don't let anyone is this world tell you that your not good enough to do something that you really want to do, don't let anyone talk you out of taking your life by the hand and making what you want out of it and never ever be afraid to dream big little man.

Yesterday we had an appointment at the hospital to get some help for both of us with your feeding. Sometimes you feed really well but other times you don't seem interested in it at all and much prefer your bottle. The nice lady at the hospital really helped me know how to feed you and what we need to do to make this feeding thing work. It will take some work to do it but I know that together you and I can get it working so that you are feeding more from me then you are from the formula in a bottle. I am doing everything I can to increase my supply of milk so that there is enough for you to get full and to remain relaxed and calm so that you don't get stressed at feed time. I think there are few things more beautiful then a mother feeding her baby and I really want to share that beauty with you.

There are so many more things I want to tell you right now but it sounds as though you are about to wake up so I will cut this short so I can make sure that you are okay.

I love you my little man
Mum

Happy new year

Happy new year my little man,

It feels so right to start a new year fresh with you in our lives. A little over a year ago now I was told that I would never be able to have a baby naturally and that I would need help to get pregnant. On hearing this your father and I had a long discussion and decided that we were going to spend 2009 trying to get pregnant and our new years wish that we made on new years eve 2008 was to have a baby by the end of 2009. Just before new years eve 2008 your father had an accidant and spent months not well, as the year moved in to April I got sad because I thought that my new years eve wish would not come true but then one day I wasn't feeling well so went to the doctor thinking that I must just have a stomach bug to find that instead of having a stomach bug I was pregnant with you. I will never be able to describe the feelings that surged through me when the doctor told me I was pregnant with you, in that moment my whole world began to change and I felt like I was overflowing with joy. As soon as I walked out of the doctors office I called your father to tell him the good news, he was stunned and so very happy and in his shock that we had actauly made you his response was 'how did that happen'. When I got home from the doctors I spent the rest of that night in shock and walking around with a huge grin on my face. You made your father and my new years eve wish come true little man and you arrived with a week to spare.

You made me so happy and proud today Samuel, since we left the hospital on Monday you have been too tired and frustrated to want to feed from me but today you have been trying very hard and everytime I have tried to get you to feed you have, at the very least latched on to me. Tonight a little before you were due to have a bottle you woke up and wanted me. For almost an hour you fed from me and you are so very good at it. Last night I went to bed thinking that we would never make breastfeeding work but tonight I am heading to bed knowing that working together you and I can make this work.

I love you so very much my little man that tonight I am finding it hard to go to bed because I want to sit here and cuddle you and watch you sleep all night, you are so beautiful and so very precious to me.

Love mummy.