Your Birthday

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Samuel, Happy Birthday to you.

Your first birthday, one year since I held you in my arms for the first time, one year since I became a mother and learnt that I had never really known love before. Before you came along my world was a very different place and not one that I really wanted to live in but you little man has changed all of that. You have my world so much brighter, you have brought so much love and joy into my life and at the same time having you in my life has taught me a lot of life lessons. If only I could put how much I love you into words but considering I have already been trying for a year I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

You and I had a great day today for your Birthday, this morning we all got up and unwrapped some of your presents before daddy left for work. The pile of presents was so big little man that we had to stagger their opening throughout the entire day and by bedtime you still had two to open. You have received so many things for your birthday but i'll try and list it all here for you.

Walker/Ride on
My first wagon/ride on
Talking telephone
bathtoys
Froggy swimming pool
Drink bottle (stainless steel)
Babylegs leggings/tights
Little people town centre set
Little people dump truck
Stacker dump truck
Ball popper
Fridge Farm
Jelly bath
Giggle and Hoot CD
Books
Clothes
More Bath toys

Thats all I can remember at the moment if i remember anything else I will add it to the list.

We spent the day together, this morning we playd outside on the swings before it got to hot and then we went shopping and said hello to Santa. After shopping we came home and I gave you a special birthday lunch that included fairy bread, cherrys, strawberrys, plum, turkey and rice cake. You ate a lot of that and loved the fairy bread. After lunch we played with your toys and watched some giggle and hoot xmas special together before your nap. Then this afternoon we played outside and you got to try out your new pool before dinner where we had party food and your first taste of ice cream in an ice cream cake, then it was time for bath and bed and you were so tired you went to sleep very quickly.

It was a great first birthday and I look forward to many more with you.

Love Mum

A year since labour

One year ago today I was in labour with you my little man. At this time your Uncle Andrew had just arrived despite me having told daddy that I was fine and wouldn't need to go to the hospital for at least a couple of hours yet, I had asked daddy to call him and let him know that we would need his assistance at some stage that evening. Daddy did call him but it was to tell him that we needed him now. I was so angry with Uncle Andrew arrived, I yelled at them, told them I wasn't ready to go to the hospital and to go away but you know what little man less then half an hour later we were at the hospital. Within ten minutes of Uncle Andrew arriving I was in a lot of pain and too tired to stand up in the shower anymore and so I gave in and said okay time to go. I wonder if Uncle Andrew had not have arrived until later how much longer I would have stayed at home for.

We arrived at the hospital right on 7pm, daddy stayed with me while Uncle Andrew took nanna to get some dinner then nanna stayed with mummy while Uncle Andrew took dad to get some dinner. I am quite amused that in the middle of quite painful contractions I was organising everyone to go and eat and how they could do it and not leave me alone. While nanna was out getting dinner the midwife helped us settle into our room and put the monitor on me so that we knew you were doing okay, then daddy went and nanna and mum sat there talking in between contractions and finding the things from mummy's bag that she wanted, once daddy got back I got into the bath where i stayed for most of your labour. There was a clock in the room that I was laboring in and from time to time I looked at it wondering if you were going to make it on the 23rd or if you would match all my predictions and be a Christmas baby, the midwifes were all telling me that you would be here by midnight but as we know you didn't quite make it and instead chose to be born just after midnight eight minutes into Christmas eve.

Today I have thought a lot about what it was like to be pregnant with you and what labour was like. As the day passes I have looked at the clock and seen times that i remember from that day, the time that I was at the Ob's, the time I got a backache and then realized later that it was coming and going, timing contractions and realizing they were regular and I remember all the excitement that was coming from Daddy and nanna while I remained calm and focused on the fact that I was soon to meet you.

Tomorrow is your first birthday, I can't beleive how fast this year has gone but I will save going on about that for tomorrow and instead talk about you now and how you have been this week. We have spent a lot of time inside this week as it has been too hot or wet to go outside and play. Your walking is becoming more stable and constant and you are being your normal happy self for the most part. Today you said a new word, you were sitting at the back door saying come come come and when I did you looked up at me and smiled that beautiful smile or yours my clever little man. Other tricks you are doing this week is to blow raspberrys when ever somebody says 'bless you' and saying an-mum-mum for grandmum/grandma. Its all so cute and beautiful to watch you growing up like this and learning new things every day.

I love you little man, I loved you from the moment you were conceived, I loved you while I carried you inside my womb, I loved you the moment I held you in my arms for the first time and I love you still now. Every day my love has only grown stronger, every day I have grown more and more thankful for you my little boy. I will love you forever.

Mummy.

Celebrating you - Your 1st birthday party

Dear Samuel,

We hosted your birthday party on the weekend little man, I wish that we could have done it closer to your actual birthday but at least by doing it early people were able to come and you didn't miss out.

Grandma and I spent a lot of Friday and most of Saturday getting ready for your party, we made lots of yummy food and cleaned the house, I blew up balloons and hung the decorations and then before I knew it people began arriving.

You enjoyed crawling around behind the other children, you loved being pushed on the swing and squealed with delight when people were picking you up and throwing you up in the air. It was clear that you were having a lot of fun and that although you are only a little boy that didn't stop you enjoying the company of other children.

Before food we decided it was time to unwrap your birthday presents. You love tearing the wrapping paper of things and like all little ones i think you almost got more enjoyment out of the wrapping. For your birthday you received a little push along/ride along wagon, a talking and singing phone, clothes and bath toys. You still have presents from us, grandma and poppy and nanna coming on your actual birthday.

For your birthday food we had a BBQ with lots of different meats, salads and other things. You tried a little sausage but didn't like it much, the little bit of hamburger you fed to the dog. You enjoyed the chicken, loved chewing on carrot sticks and celery and even tasted kabana and a tiny cube of cheese.

After dinner it was time for cake and you my little man got your first taste of the lovely sweet goodness that is cake. You loved it and ate a good chunk as well as enjoyed playing with it. This year your birthday cake was a buttercake with orange icing it was in the shape of a 1 with blue icing and blue and green smarties and you loved it.

All in all your party was a success, everyone enjoyed themselves including you and we got through the evening without any problems.

I can't believe you are almost one already.

Love always
Mummy

I know I talk often about how quickly you are growing up and all the new things you are doing but in the last twenty four hours we have had three things to add to the list.

1. Your one year old molars broke through.
2. You clapped for the first time.

But the biggest one of all the firsts apart from your first word occurred today. Today my little man I really knew for the first time that your time as a baby is almost over because today my beautiful little boy you stood up and walked. It was such a proud moment for mummy and daddy seeing you walk and so very exciting but it's also touched with a tiny bit of sadness as it means we are saying goodbye to one stage and moving on to the next. How I look forward to watching you grow, to helping you learn and exploring the world from your point of view but a little part of me will always miss my little baby boy.

This is the way of life, things grow, things change and there is nothing we can do to stop that nor should we aspire to trying to stop that natural rhythm of life. Change can be and often is scary but we must try to remain flexible and allow the universe to lay the path we need to walk out before us. Fighting change does nothing but hurt the person fighting it yet embracing change can sometimes open whole new worlds to explore in front of us. Little man I embrace the changes that are occurring in our lives, I embrace the changes and new things in you and look forward to everyday with you seeing what new things we may discover together that day. I love you my little boy and you will always be my little baby even if you are almost a toddler now.

Love always
Mum

Hello little man,

It's time for another quick letter from your mummy since its been a little over a week since I last wrote you. The past week here in Perth has been hot and with the heat you have not quite been yourself. You have been sleeping more and off your food as well as being less tolerant of the things that annoy you. You love going outside but in the heat of the past week we have had to wait until the sun is starting to go down before letting you out. This has made you not happy, everytime you see someone outside and your not you throw a tantrum and start banging on the door desparate to go out and join them. I hate seeing you throw tantrums, hate seeing you unhappy but I also don't want to risk you getting sunburnt or heatstroke.

Our family has a history of skin cancers due to our pale skin little man and I really don' want you to have to deal with that. We are trying to teach you that your not allowed to play outside without a hat on but you hate your hat and more often then not will throw a tantrum and try your hardest to pull it off your head, you are getting better at wearing it though so I think you are starting to get the idea. As you grow older little man I hope that you remain sun smart. It may seem annoying to have to put sunscreen and a hat on before you go outside but its important little man, skin cancer can kill, its not just a case of cut it out, stich up the hole and you will be fine. At this point in time skin cancers are one of the highest death rates for cancers.

This week we have begun to wean you from the dummy. Your dummy is now only used as night or on car trips when your tired. I thought that you would be so angry and upset at not having it during the day but you are doing well. We began by taking it off you as soon as we got up and putting it in your cot then we moved on to asking you to put your dummy in the cot and say goodbye to them. Now less than a week later you drop them in your cot and wave goodbye to them without promting. We are doing so well with getting rid of it during the day that I am hoping we can wean them at night early in the new year.

I can't beleive that we are in December already. Last year the start of December had me feeling excited as it meant that we were on the final stretch to being able to meet you this year I am excited because it means that we are about to celebrate your first birthday and first christmas. (I don't count the christmas that you spend in the nursery at the hospital when you were a day old)

I love you little man, always
Mummy

From Sam

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In one month you will be one! I am always amazed at how fast time is flying little man, to think that soon we will stop talking in months and start talking in years is amazing. It feels like yesterday you entered my world but it was almost a year ago. In that time you have brought me so much joy and love, more then I could ever have imagined having in my life before you. I watch you when you are sleeping and smile knowing that you are my son and that you will always be in my life.

Recently I gave given thought to trying to give you a brother or sister, I want you to grow up with a sibling and to know the love and support that only comes from a brother or sister. I want you to have someone to play with, talk to and share things with that is closer to your age. Part of me wants to give you that while you are still young so that there is only a small age gap between you. With a small age gap you would be interested in similar things and play together better. Then I think it would be better to wait until you are at least old enough to understand rather then suddenly having to share daddy and I and nor understanding why. One day I hope to give you this but it may not be for a while.

Yesterday we had a good day. Daddy, you and I went into Perth for the first time and spent the day exploring the city and just enjoying being out. I am hoping that this weekend we can take you out somewhere, maybe to a park or the beach but it will depend on grandmas plans for the weekend.

I love you little man and nothing will ever change that.

Love always
Mummy.

Dear Samuel,
It amazes me how quickly you are growing and learning. Everyday seems to bring something new and it is clear that you now put a little thought into some of your actions. For example if I am holding you and you want to get down you will throw something on the floor and then when I lean down to get it you squirm down. Every night after dinner you crawl straight to the bathroom for your bath because you know it's bath time. So many things you do on a daily basis now and I sit back watching you thinking that my tiny little baby is almost a toddler.

We have been in Perth for a week now and honestly I think moving here was the best thing for us. You are so happy here, you love playing outside on the swings or with the dog, love watching the birds or playing on the sew saw and you love going for drives in the car with grandma. You have settled in here so quickly little man. You are such as easy going little guy that you seem to adjust to anything and everything with ease and much quicker than daddy or I do.

I love you little man, moving here may have been a big thing but it was the right choice and you are proving that to me with how settled and happy you are everyday.

Love always mummy.

My dear little man,
Once again our whole world has turned upside down. A week ago today we found ourselves having to move out of nana's due to some issues her, daddy and I were having. With no money to our name and not knowing anyone in Townsville we could have been left in a dreadful position. It is only through the kindness, generosity and caring of friends, family and even complete strangers that we are okay without their assistance I honestly do not know where we would be right now but because there are people out there who care we had a roof over our head in a motel and a plan on how to escape a bad situation.

For a week we stayed in that motel because it kept us together as a family and kept you safe. The first few days though were hard. We spent the last of our money on food for you while I went without until some people heard about out situation and expecting nothing in return helped us out. They gave food and nappies as well as a little money to see us through. Someone even gave us gift cards to get new toys for you. Due to others some who have never even met us we have been okay. Little man I dearly wish that you never have to experience the situation we found ourselves in again and hope that when you are grown you never ever find yourself in a similar position but if you do little man remember that it is okay to ask for and accept help. Accepting help from another person does not make you weak, weakness would be if pride were to get in the way. Another thing little man that I wish is that you will always remember there are people worse of then you are and if you have the opportunity and means to help another person I hope that you will without expecting anything in return. There are too few people in this world willing to help a stranger anymore and I find that a sad sad thing.

Yesterday to escape the motel room and be in a better environment for you we flew all the way from Townsville to Perth where we are staying with grandma and poppy. It was a long way to travel but you were so good little man and slept most of the way. Today on our first day here you had a ball playing with new toys, meeting and starting to get to know grandma, poppy, Aunty Becky and your cousins. You have been a little unsettled today but overall you are doing so well. You even said a new word today. You said Ta when we were giving you something.

Moving to Perth is a huge thing for me little man as I've never been to this side of the country. Living with grandma and poppy is also scary as I don't them well. I barely know anyone here in Perth but you know what beautiful boy it doesn't matter because we are together, we have family around us and food in our bellies as well as a safe roof over our heads and at the end of the day that's all that matters. I moved here for you little man so that you will be safe, loved and supported by lots of family and so that our little family unit could stay together. Everything I do little boy is for you.

Love always
Mummy.

My darling little man,
This week I have faced some major challenges, I have been very sad and feeling very lost but little man when ever I look at you i feel as though the sun is peeping out from behind the dark clouds. When I look at you I am found again and I find the strength to keep going. No matter what happens in my life I know that you need me and I will put you and your needs first until you are able to stand on your own two feet. You bring me such joy and happiness my baby, your smile and hugs make my heart sing and even when I feel sad it is enough to keep me going.

I love you my sunshine
Mummy

There is nothing in this world I hate more then seeing you in pain my man and it's even worse when I feel responsible for that pain no matter how good the intention. Today was one of those days with good intentions but it still made me cry when I held you as you sobbed against me. The cause of your pain today was vaccinations. You were so happy before the needle giggling and chatting away and I felt so bad sitting there holding you knowing how soon you would be screaming and scream you did. For ten minutes you cried so loud that everyone was looking at us and then that turned into sobs. I held you close to me in the baby carrier and I cried with you little boy. You sobbed yourself to sleep and even once asleep you continued to sob every so often so I held you close heart two heart and just rocked you until you were still and quiet. I didn't want to put you down little man but I did so you could sleep soundly. To my amazement when you woke you gave me the biggest smile and cuddle and while you were clingy all evening you were giggling and bring your usual happy beautiful self except for anytime I tried to look at where you had the needle, when I did that you pushed me away and when I did gently touch you there you screamed so I know it must be sore. Right now little man I want to pick you up and bring you into bed with me but I don't want to wake you. Perhaps if you wake soon I will bring you into my bed and hold you close all night. I love you little man and want you to know that if I ever do cause you pain it's the last thing in the world I wanted. If I ever hurt you my beautiful boy it will only be by accident and I will do what ever I can to make it up to you.

Love mummy

My little man,
I have typed you a few letters this week but due to a computer malfunction they have dissapeared. I'm so sad that I lost my words to you little man but there isn't anything I can do to get them back.

You are growing up so fast, I watch you when you are sleeping and can not believe how big you are already, it seems like yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time but that was over nine months ago. Today you are 40 weeks old. You were born after being inside me for exactly 40 weeks and after today you have been alive for longer then you were within my womb. You know little man, every Thursday night when I go to bed I think of the night you were born, I remember the little baby that I held in my arms and the promise I made you then that no matter what I will always love you and will always do the best I can for you. So far I have kept that promise and I have no intention of ever breaking it.

We have now been living in Townsville for four weeks and you have settled down really well. I think you like it here. Most days you are so happy and love playing with anything that takes your interest. This week I have taken you swimming a couple of times and you loved it. You are my little water baby, it doesn't matter where the water is if you can play in you are happy. On Monday we had a great photo shoot. You played in the dirt in the garden and then we took you to Rowes Bay where you played on the grass awhile. The highlight of the day however was when we introduced you to the ocean for the first time. You were overjoyed giggling as the water lapped around you and splashing away, you loved playing with the sand and getting wet in the water. I can't wait to take you for a proper beach trip once daddy is here.

This week your newest accomplishment is the ability to pull yourself up into a standing position and hold ourself there. You love standing and do it as often as you can. Nana thinks that you will be walking by your first birthday.

I love you little man
Mummy

Baby music class and your first non self inflicted hurt

Dear Samuel,
We had a fantastic day today so while it is fresh in my mind I want to write about it so that I don't forget. I decided to take you to a baby music lesson this morning, before we left I was unsure if you were going to get anything from it but still thought it would be a good outing and to my pleasure it turned out to be a great experience. You really enjoyed yourself, getting in to banging on the drums, waving the tamborine around and playing with anything that made noise. The joy on your face was priceless and will be a memory I carry forever with me. Your smile as you explored sound and rocked to the beat, your excitment at being around other babies and just watching you enjoying life lightened my heart more then anything has in a while. After todays experience I will be signing us up for the whole term when it begins in October. Going to music lessons means that you miss your morning sleep but to me the joy in you was worth it.

The only low point to the day was that while you were trying to play with a little boy he bit you. In the middle of class you let out the loudest scream I have ever heard from you. It only took you five minutes to forget about the bite and start smiling and having fun again but for those five minutes you clung to me and cried your little heart out. As soon as I saw the bite mark my heart broke for you little man. You were so upset i think mostly from the shock of someone else hurting you and I wish that I could have protected you from that kind of hurt for longer then I have. I know that you will get hurt, I know that you will get into fights, be injured while playing sports and experience all the normal hurts that we all experience in our lives but I didn't want you to experience that so early. I am sorry I couldn't protect you from it for longer little man. Just remember that while I will not always be able to protect you I will always try my best too and where I can not protect you I will always be here to kiss it better and set you back on your feet. I love you my brave little man.

Dear Samuel,
Today marks two weeks since we left the cold of southern Victoria to move to the top end of the country. Two weeks of living with nanna and two weeks of not seeing daddy. I know that I am missing daddy a lot and I think that you are too, every night when you hear his voice on the phone you begin to reach for it and crack it when I don't let you hold the phone. The only reason I don't let you hold it is because when I do you tend to hang up on daddy. Slowly we are getting use to life here, the weather is much nicer but quite a bit warmer then what we are use to so it is taking some adjusting too.

After a month of commando crawling you crawled for real yesterday. I'm a little sad that daddy wasn't here to see it but so happy to see you devloping and progressing. You are doing so well little man. Today when I was checking you gums I discovered another two toothypegs have come up over night. We went and visited your new doctor this morning and he was great with you. He weighed you and you are now weighing 8.8kg with a height measurement of around 68cm.

I love you little man
Mummy

A few posts

30th august

Beautiful little man,
Tonight is our last night in Victoria, we leave here tomorrow morning headed for Queensland to live with Nanna in Townsville. It is a big move and I hope that it will be a good one for us. Daddy will not be with us at first but he will get to our new home as quickly as he can. At this point in time it looks like he will be six to eight weeks before joining us. It makes me sad that we will be away from daddy for so long and I know that we will both miss him as much as he will miss us, hopefully time will pass quickly and we will find ourselves altogether again before we know it. There are so many things I want to do with you in Townsville. I want to take you to swimming and music lessons, take you to the aquarium and explore Townsville with you. I want our life to be different up there, better then it has been here.

The last week had seen us busy packing and getting ready to leave. We have spent lots of time with our friends and in among all the busyness you have been your wonderful beautiful little self full of big smiles and gorgeous giggles. You have cut two more teeth this week , another on the bottom and one on the top and everyday you are getting closer to crawling. You even waved goodbye a couple of times this week you clever little man.

I don't know what the future holds for us little man but what ever it is we will face it together, no matter where we go, who we meet or what we do I will always be here for you.

Love
Mummy.

31st august

After a long days journey we have made it to our new home here in Townsville. The plane ride was long but I passed the time by making a new friend who lives here. The two of us chatted and played with you all the way here little man. You were a little unsettled tonight, so many new faces and somewhere you don't know I am not surprised you were out of sorts but now you are sound asleep in the portable cot next to me and I'm just about to go to sleep too.

Looking forward to starting our new life here with you when we wake tomorrow.

Mummy

5th September 2010

We have been in Townsville for five days now my little man and so far I am loving our life here. You are doing so well and seem to have adjusted to your new home quite well. Since we arrived you have been sleeping so much better then you did in Morwell. You have started only waking up once during the night and are doing two blocks of six hours sleep only waking for ten minutes around midnight before going back to sleep. Your daytime sleeps have also been better. With all the extra sleep you seem happier.

7th September

Little man you have another tooth. It wasn't that long ago you didn't have any and now you have four. Today you were giving me the cutest smile showing off those cute little toothy pegs and I just melted. Tonight I stood next to your cot for what felt like hours just watching you sleep and thinking about how wonderful my life is now your in my world.

We have been in Townsville for five days now my little man and so far I am loving our life here. You are doing so well and seem to have adjusted to your new home quite well. Since we arrived you have been sleeping so much better then you did in Morwell. You have started only waking up once during the night and are doing two blocks of six hours sleep only waking for ten minutes around midnight before going back to sleep. Your daytime sleeps have also been better. With all the extra sleep you seem happier.

After a long days journey we have made it to our new home here in Townsville. The plane ride was long but I passed the time by making a new friend who lives here. The two of us chatted and played with you all the way here little man. You were a little unsettled tonight, so many new faces and somewhere you don't know I am not surprised you were out of sorts but now you are sound asleep in the portable cot next to me and I'm just about to go to sleep too.

Looking forward to starting our new life here with you when we wake tomorrow.

Mummy

Beautiful little man,
Tonight is our last night in Victoria, we leave here tomorrow morning headed for Queensland to live with Nanna in Townsville. It is a big move and I hope that it will be a good one for us. Daddy will not be with us at first but he will get to our new home as quickly as he can. At this point in time it looks like he will be six to eight weeks before joining us. It makes me sad that we will be away from daddy for so long and I know that we will both miss him as much as he will miss us, hopefully time will pass quickly and we will find ourselves altogether again before we know it. There are so many things I want to do with you in Townsville. I want to take you to swimming and music lessons, take you to the aquarium and explore Townsville with you. I want our life to be different up there, better then it has been here.

The last week had seen us busy packing and getting ready to leave. We have spent lots of time with our friends and in among all the busyness you have been your wonderful beautiful little self full of big smiles and gorgeous giggles. You have cut two more teeth this week , another on the bottom and one on the top and everyday you are getting closer to crawling. You even waved goodbye a couple of times this week you clever little man.

I don't know what the future holds for us little man but what ever it is we will face it together, no matter where we go, who we meet or what we do I will always be here for you.

Love
Mummy.

Friday

My little man we have had a rough week, both of us have had the flu and you have been more unsettled then normal. You have not wanted to feed much, or sleep anywhere but our arms and everytime we have put you down you have screamed. Today the reason for this became clear, your first tooth has cut through the gum. You now have this tiny dot of white that is very sharp and have been trying to chew everything. With your first tooth cutting it really hits me that you are growing up so fast. You are no longer my tiny new born bubba and before I know it you won't be a baby at all but will be up and walking and taking with me, you will have dreams about your future, ideas and thoughts on how things should be and you will be your own person. It's scary to think how quickly time is passing.

With the realization that you are not a little baby anymore but are becoming a bigger baby tonight I had a moment that is almost indefinable. I was holding you, singing sweet lullabies and watching your eyes close as you drifted of to sleep and in that moment I remembered why I wanted you so much and knew that all the sleepless nights, worry and tears are worth every minute I get to spend with you.

I have been trying since your birth to put into words how much I love you and the only thing that comes close is this.
It's like when you first fall in love with someone, everything feels special, everything is heightened and you feel like when you look at them you are looking at the entire universe in miniature, it's beautiful and so fragile that you want to hold it and keep it safe from harm until your dying breath. That's how I feel about you little man. You are my world, my universe. You are part of me made whole and separate and I will protect you anyway I can for as long as I can.

Sweet dreams little man, may you always walk in the light.
Mummy.

My little man I can not belive that three weeks has gone by since the last time I wrote to you. The only reason that I have not written to you was because i have not been well and the medication that I have had to take has been giving me some major side effects.

The last three weeks have been interesting. Daddy and I decided that we want to move to Townsville so that we are in a nicer place and close to nanna and you I leave in ten days to start our new life up there. We are gong to be living with nanna for a while and will just see how things go before we decide if we want to get a house of our own.

You have been taking us on a journey in recent weeks. You are now not just rolling from one place to another but are commando crawling with a vengence. Your first tooth has come through so we have been trying to help you deal with the pain that it has been causing you. You have tried a few new foods, met new people and been taking lots of walks with daddy and I. During the day you have been happy as always but nights have been tough as you have not wanted to go to sleep at all. However the last three nights that has changed and you have been going to sleep fairly easily and starting to sleep for longer periods of time overnight.

I carried you in my womb for ten months and loved you before i had ever met you. Before I ever saw your face you were the most beautiful thing in my world. When I was pregnant with you I dreamt of how our life would be and all the things that we would do together. Life hasn't been quite like I thought it would be as I have been unwell and daddy lost his job but it hasn't been bad either. You however my beautiful little man have been so much more and a much greater happiness in my life then I could ever have dreamt. Your smile lights up my world, your giggle breaks through any clouds that may be hanging over us and when you look at me I melt. I love you little boy and can not wait to start our new life in Townsville together.

Dear Samuel,
After weeks of your sleep being all over the place the last four days it seems to be getting back on track at last. You are now going down to sleep in your cot for a good part of everynight and even during the day you are taking at least short sleeps in the cot. This is a huge step forward as you have hated the cot since we got home from visiting nanna in Townsville at the begining of May. Right now you are sound asleep and have been for almost three hours, I am expecting you to wake up any moment for your next bottle but also hoping that tonight might be the night you sleep through the night, only time will tell though one glance at the video monitor shows that you are not even stirring yet.

With your sleep being better this week your mood has also been very good. You have been a happy and friendly baby most of the week, full of smiles and lots of cuddles. You are happy to play on your own for longer periods of time but also enjoy playing with myself and daddy. You have learnt how to high five this week. We hold our hand out and say 'give me five' and you do. Its so very cute to see. Something else that you have started doing it coping us. We ask you if you want to sing and then we go la la la and a lot of the time you respond with la la. When you do these things little man you make me so happy, I love interacting with you like this and can't wait to interact with you more as you get older, I can't wait until the day we have real conversations and you start asking me 'why' I can't wait to teach you about the world around us, watch you sing and dance or kick a football with dad or your friends.

I love you my little man, you are the centre of my universe and make even my bad days at least a little more bareable. Sleep tight little man.

Love always
Mummy

Sneak peek of photoshoot

I have been sents a sneak peek of the photos from Saturday's photo shoot. You look so handsome in them little man that I just had to post them here to your journal.

First word, new pram and photo shoot.

You said your first word this week little man and have made mummy so happy because your first word/s was mum mum. When I left the room you watched me go and when you could not see me anymore you called out mum mum, when I came back into the room your face lit up with a massive smile and this time you looked me striaght in the eye and again said those beautiful words mum mum. The words that I had been waiting to hear but thought were going be at least a few months away still if not more and you came out with them a few days before you are seven months old. I went out for a while not long after you said those words and daddy tells me that while I was out you kept looking at my chair saying 'mum mum mum' and then crying and that you were doing that on and off for hours. The first time I heard you say that word I didn't think I had heard correctly but when you looked me in the eyes and said it with a smile everything inside melted and I was so happy that it brought tears to my eyes.

Last weekend we had another photoshoot for you little man, this one was with a local photographer who wanted to use you as a model in her portfolio so the photo shoot was free and we are being given a disk of all the images for free too. This is a massive saving as if we were to pay for this we would have been looking at around $1500! The photo shoot was fantastic, the weather was perfect and you my little man turned on the charm. You were full of smiles and loving looking around at the world about you while we took photos of you out in the backyard. For two hours you were happy to play model, with smiles, giggles and chatter and both the photographer and I enjoyed spending the afternoon playing with you.

The other exciting piece of news is that this week I bought you a new pram. You now ride in the plush comfort of the Icandy apple pram, this pram looks so much better then your old one and you seem much more comfortable in it then you were in your old one. It is a lot softer and you are also higher up. This pram gives you the ability to face me or to fae away from me, at the moment we are using it with you facing me and when we go for a walk I am enjoying looking at your beautiful little face and talking to you about the things that we see while walking. I feel like we are walking and exploring together now instead of like I am just pushing you from point A to B because that is where we need to be. For me this new pram is wonderful, I can push it easily over any surface, it steers like a dream and handles every situation I have thrown at it so far. We have been getting a lot of comments when out and about with it because it is brand new on the market here in Australia and lots of people who have been eyeing it off want to know if it is really as good as it seems, the simple answer to them is yes it really is as good as it seems. So many people tried to tell me that this pram would not fit my needs and suggested heaps of others that would but I tried out all those others and this one won by a long way.

I love you my beautiful little clever man and I am so proud to be your mummy, so pleased that together we will walk this path from baby to what ever you become in the future.

There will be plenty more words in your future, pleanty more cuddles and smiles and always awalys you will be loved and I will make sure that you know you are loved and never ever doubt that fact. I never want you to think that you are on your own and have nobody that you can rely on, I never ever want you to beleive that you have nobody to call on for help. As long as daddy and I are alive you will always have our love, always have our support and always always have people that will be there for you no matter what.

You have been so chatty the last few days little man, its very cute hearing the sounds come out of your mouth and watching you try to figure out how to move you mouth to make different sounds come out. For a while yesterday you were opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish, it was very cute and very funny as well.

We had photo's yesterday with a local photographer who is building her portfolio she thought that you were so cute that she wanted to use you as one of her models and so we got a free photo shoot and will get all the images on a disk to keep as well. I can't wait to see the photos as you looked adorable in your brand new overalls and stripey bodysuit with matching hat, socks and mittens.

You haven't done anything new in the last little while apart from having your first taste of chicken. I'm not sure if you liked it or not but you sat there sucking on the chicken for got a while before you got bored with it so I guess you must have liked it, another food that you have tried and loved in the last little while was egg yolk. When I gave you the egg yolk you couldn't get it down fast enough. Thankfully you have had no reaction to egg yolk so I can continue to give it to you. Your diet is now varied enough that I am going to be able to make you some more grown up type foods like a casserole instead of you just having one or two vegetables and fruits every meal. I look forward to the time when you are eating enough of a varitiy of foood that we can sit at the dining table together and eat as a family, I think that perhaps it won't be that long away and in a couple of months we may be able to do it.

We are a little worried about you this week little man, for some reason you dropped from being on the 50th percentile for weight to the 33rd in two weeks, thats a huge drop for such a short period of time and it also coincides with you being rather unsettled and grizzly. You have had a flu and been teething so I hope the weight drop is just a result of being sick. We will have you weighed again next week hopefully there won't be another big drop.

You are 29 weeks old now, I remember when I was 29 weeks pregnant with you because it was at that time that we moved from Brisbane to country Victoria. It seems like such a long time ago but it wasn't even a whole year ago. At 29 weeks old it feels as though you have been part of our lives forever, it is hard to remember what life was like before you came into it and what I do remember from my life before you is that it never really felt complete with you here my life is complete, with you here I feel like I have started living, when you were born I felt like I was too.

I am loving watching you grow and discover new things little man

Love always
Mummy

We have been having a bad week this week little man, you are still having problems with teething and the tooth not wanting to come through and you have also been sick with your first cold. With these things making you feel so bad you have been so clingy to both your father and I and have not wanted to be put down at all. The moment we try to put you in your cot even if you are deeply asleep you have been waking up and screaming until we pick you up and cuddle you to sleep again. I know that its not going to teach you how to go to sleep on your own if we keep picking you up but i just can't bare to hear you screaming and so upset.

A friend showed me this poem today and I like it so much that I thought I would share it with you here perhaps one day you will have children and this poem will come to mind.

I hope my child looks back on today
and remembers a Mum who had time to play
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up when we are not looking
.........Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
Cos babies grow fast, we learn to our sorrow
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm cuddling my baby, and babies don't keep

Too often there seems to be so much that needs to be done and some days I find that I feel like I have spent no time with you because i was doing housework, shopping, cooking or studying, on those days I feel so sad and don't want to put you to bed, on those days I just want to hold you while you sleep and watch you beautiful little face as you smile and giggle in your sleep. I hope that one day you will get to experience this love, get to know what it is like to have a little person of your own that is made off you. Since having you it seems as though my world has shrunk and you are my world yet at the same time my world has grown so big that there is not enough room in the universe to contain my love for you.

Sleep well little man, tomorrow I look forward to holding you and playing with you and telling you how much I love you.

Mummy

My beautiful baby boy,
I tell you so often how much I love you I could say over and over every minute of the day and still the words would not come close to the love that I have for you in my heart. I hope that one day you will hold your own baby in your arms and feel the love for them that I have now for you. I hope that your life is full of love and that you learn to love and be loved without reserves, without holding back or attaching conditons to that love. It is my greatest wish for you little man that one day you find somebody to share your life with, to love and to love you. I beleive that when you really love someone and they love you together you can get through anything that this world might throw at you.

I love you little man and always will.
Mummy

This time six months ago I had just given birth and was holding you for the first time my little man. I couldn't take my eyes of you for hours after giving birth to you and even now today I still spend a lot of time just watching you and thinking how beautiful you are and how lucky your daddy and I are to have you. I wouldn't change a thing in my life if it meant that there was a risk that I would not have had you. My light in the darkness, the reason I am trying to make my life a better place is for you. You make me want to be the best that I can be and to teach you that anything in life is possable, afterall we were told that we would never have you.

Happy six months little man, may the next six months bring us even more joy then the last have.

Dear Samuel,

Sometimes I wish that I could slow down the passing of time or even stop it just for a little while so that I can enjoy this time for as long as I want rather then feeling like if I blink I will miss something and you will be all grown up. Then I remember how much I enjoy watching you learn new things and take notice of the world around you, how much I love the way that you now snuggle into because you want to, not because you don't have any control over your body but because you want to snuggle with me. I am enjoying watching you grow, and wondering what sort of man you are going to be in years to come but I am a little sad that time is passing so quickly.

This week you have really made devlopmental leaps, you suddenly have a desire to do things for yourself and have snatched the bottle/spoon/cup out of my hands to try and do it yourself a few times. You are now rolling from your stomach to your back more often though still not all the time and today you started drinking from a sippy cup. You show more interest in your toys now and are picking them up, looking at them, banging them around and throwing them as far as you can. You are a happy baby most of time, full of giggles and smiles with the only exception being when you are tired. When you are tired you get very grizzly and still fight going to sleep.

Right now we have attempted to put you to bed five times and each time has ended up in tears, yours and almost mine. I don't know why you don't want to sleep little man and I want to figure it out so that are happy and playful during the day rather then grizzly.

Another week gone little man but again we have not done much. It is winter in Victoria and here in the valley where we live it has been very cold, too cold to go out and do anything and to cold to do much more then curl up in front of the heater or under a doona to keep warm. We have been reading lots of storys and chatting to you lots as well. You are becoming more and more vocal every day making more and more sounds and sometimes it even sounds as though you are trying to copy the words we are saying to you. Your new trick for this week is to blow raspberrys and bubbles at daddy and I as often as you can.

The one thing we did do this week was take a walk to the shops to buy you a booster seat. You are eating so well now and are eating three meals a day that i decided it was time for you to have a proper place to eat so we bought you a fisher price boost chair that makes one of our normal chairs into a high chair for you. You love your new chair and love the play tray that comes with it, every meal time you get so excited the moment i put you in your chair and its almost a fight to get you to concentrate on your food. This week we tried two new foods. You had oatmeal which you pulled a face at but loved it when it was mixed with a little banana and you also had peas which you gobbled down so quickly. It makes me so happy that you enjoy your food. Friends of ours have trouble getting their bub to eat anything that is not sweet but you love everything we try to give you. I hope that as you grow up I am able to teach you the importance of a good diet, I want you to enjoy a huge range of foods and not just reach for the easy to cook foods or the foods that are high in fat, sugar or salt. I want you to know that if you eat the right foods that it will help you to remain healthy and full of energy and that foods that are good for you to not have to be boring. I want you to be able to enjoy the taste of what ever it is you are eating without having to cover it in salt or sugar. Don't get me wrong, there is a place in life for sweets and junk food, they are yummy and fun to enjoy sometimes but not as a every day thing. My big rule when it comes to food is that everything is okay in moderation. I hope to teach you this as you get older.

Love you little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Time gets passing, the world keeps spinning and you keep growing and learning. This week you have been so full of smiles. Everyday you have smiled, gurgled, cooed and gaaed and giggled at daddy and I, at strangers, at the cats and anything and nothing, sometimes I wonder if the fairys are teasing you and that's why your giggling like mad. Your giggle is music to my ears, it doesn't matter how I am feeling when I hear you giggle I smile and if you giggle lots I end up laughing too. You have been such a happy baby this week (at least during the daylight hours, night and bedtime is another story) and your happiness has made me happy.

You practiced some new things this week too, you have rolled from your stomach to your back a few times (although most of the time you lay on your stomach and scream until we place you on your back once again.) and you have even started to caterpilla crawl across you playmat. You want to move and are getting so frustrated that you are unable to go where you want. I really don't think it will be long before you begin to crawl.

At five months old you have a pet, he is a beautful fluffy kitten who you love to watch play and stroke his fur, most of the time you are so good with him and gentle stroke, only occassionaly do you grap fistfuls of his fur but he loves you and is so patient that when you do grap a fistful he doesn't even turn around and scratch you. Quite often when you are on mine or daddy's lap or even in your chair you kitten climbs up and curls up next to you too. It is so special to see and I am so glad that you already like animals and that they already like you little man. Animals are special, they make great friends and if nobody else seems to be around or if you need to talk to someone but don't want anyone to know your secrets, animals will always listen and will never ever tell anyone the things you spoke to them about.

Anyway little man it is late and time for me to go and get some sleep, we are going out tomorrow to meet some new people and hopefully make some new friends and then on Saturday I am having my birthday party.

I love you little man, more then all the stars in the sky, more then all the grains of sand on earth. I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. No matter what happens in life never ever forget that your mummy and daddy love you and feel blessed that you are in their lives. You were a gift from the gods and one that we will always cherish.

Little man, you are five months old today and growing bigger ever day it seems. You are now almost sitting up on your own and only needing a little support, your getting better at rolling and while you are yet to roll from your stomach to your back again you are getting closer all the time. You are getting better at spending a little bit of time on your own too and I find I am often able to put you down on your playmat while I have something to eat or visit the bathroom. These days when you wake up in your cot you play with your Elle and your Scout for a little while before crying to get up. We bought you scout last week and he is now your favorite toy, if you can't see him from where ever you are you cry until we bring him within your line of sight. Scount is a stuffed dog that talks to you and sings to you and you are delighted with him. When I turn him on and you hear the woof woof hello Samuel your face lights up with the biggest smile and at night when we put you to bed and set scout to lullabye function as soon as you hear him say 'snuggle up Samuel' you close your eyes and stare stroking him with your hand. It is so very cute.

Again I haven't posted here in a little while but thats only because nothing has been happening. We have spent a lot of time at home since we got back from nanna's trying to keep out of the cold. After being in the nice warm weather of Townsville it feels freezing here and nighttime tempretures are getting close to freezing at 7.30am on Sunday morning it was actaully getting down to minus 2 degrees and we were snuggled up under a doona while you had your morning bottle trying to keep warm.

Speaking of bottles we are currntly trying you on goats milk formula again as you started refusing the special formula from the doctors (not that I can blame you with how bad it smells) we are hoping that now your little digestion system has had a little time more time to mature that your problems with lactoseat least will be better and so far after four days back on goats milk you seem to be going well and have not had a reaction to it. You are eating more and more now and are still loving your food. So far you have tried rice cereal, avacado, sweet potato and pear. Today you tried banana mixed with your rice cereal for the first time, you didn't seem to like it all that much but i'm not sure if that is because you were already full from your sweet potato.

This weekend just gone you attending two birthday parties, one for dads friends little girl Jess and the first birthday party for Stephs little girl who we see often Nina. Every made comments as they always do on how handsome you are and how you are a very cute little baby and how good you were because you didn't cry much at all.

I can not beleive how much you have grown in five months, yesterday I was putting away some of the tiny baby clothes you wore when we first got home and could not beleive that you were ever that small but you were that small and not all that long ago. As we were laying together in bed the other night keeping each other warm the thought suddenly hit me that women and children have been in just that position for thousands of years, mother and baby sleeping together for warmth and comfort and I suddenly felt connected to all those women who have gone before me. It was such as amazing feeling for me to know that I am connected into this bug web of mothers that spans history and that you are the point connecting me to this web. Life is so much better with you in it then it ever was before you were born. Thank you little man for changing my life is such a dramtic but good way. I love you and always will.

Mummy

My little man,
It has been over a week since I last wrote to you but it was hard to get internet access while we were away and last week I was very distracted as I had an exam to study for.

The last couple of weeks in Townsville we didn't get up to much, you spent a lot of time with nanna while I was studying for an exam, we went shopping a little bit and went on a few walks to the beach. We went swimming a few times and just spend a lot of time relaxing.

We have been home since very early Monday morning (about 3 am) and while it was sad to leave nanna it was so good to get home to dad and our kitties. This week you have been spending lots of time with daddy but I don't think you have been feeling too well. We left Townsville after three weeks in really nice weather and got home to freezing cold weather, winter has really hit here in Melbourne and I don't think that either of us were ready for the cold after the nice weather we got use to while away.

Yesterday you had another round of immunisations, I hate watching you have needles and hearing you cry because of them but if it means that you avoid getting really sick in the future then it's what we have to do. You were fairly good with the immunizatons yesterday though, you only cried a little bit and then started giggling at the nurse. Last night you didn't sleep too well but thats okay we expected you to not be too happy. Today it seems as though you have come down with a cold, I am hoping that it is only a minor one and that you get over it quickly but only time will tell.

You are going so well on your solid foods, this week I introduced you to avacado and you are loving it so much that you don't want your cereal anymore. The next food I am going to try you on is pear and I really hope you like it as much as you have liked your last two foods.

Since we got home I have introduced you more to the kitties, at first you kept trying to grap handfuls of their fur but we gently opened your hand and helped you stroke the kitties and now you are so good with them, most of the time you are stroking them without even us even putting your hand on them, you are still grapping their fur every so often but not as much as you use too.

I love you little man, I love watching you experience new things, seeing your face when you tried the avacado yesterday and worked out that it tasted yummy was priceless and seeing the joy on your face and hearing you giggle as you were petting our little baby kitten was beautiful too. I can't wait to share so many more firsts with you as you get bigger and watch you continue to experience the world and the things in it.

Love always
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

You are growing up so quickly little man. Today you had your first
taste of more solid food. It was only rice cereal but you loved it and
cracked it when there was none left. I didn't want to start you on
solids so early however you decided to throw yourself at my food today
and have been watchng me eat, making eating motions with your mouth as
you watched mine so I thought it was time to see if you would take
them. It's also not the way I wanted to introduce solid food as I
wanted to do baby led solids but you are too young for that and with
how quickly you ate your rice cereal today I think I may just have to
keep giving you purée and soft foods.

My little man you are so beautiful, everyone seems to fall in love
with you the moment they lay eyes on you and want to cuddle you and
talk to you. Your so young and already charming the ladies.

We haven't done much the last few days, a little shopping, a little
swimming which you love, a walk through the Sunday markets where nana
spoilt you and a nice walk along the strand.

Townsville is a beautiful place with a gorgeous beach, views to
magnetic island and a backdrop of castle hill. It is a city where even
in the heart of the city you can still feel the power of nature coming
from the beach and castle hill standing over it all like some sort of
immobile guard. It is hot and humid here but still I like it here. I
don't think I would be happy to live here but as a place to visit it's
a nice retreat away from our normal life. One day when you are older I
will bring you here.

Something has been playing on my mind today little man. I have been
feeling guilty that I stopped expressing a month ago and that had led
me to wonder if I gave up trying to breastfeed too soon as well. It's
stupid thinking these things, I know I did everything I could but I
can't help but wonder what if? I wonder if I really did everything I
could yet I know I tried everything. I wanted to breadtfeed so badly,
wanted to give you the best start to life and I can't help but feel
like my best wasn't good enough.

Enough from me now my beautiful boy, it's time I sleep before you wake
for another feed. I love you beautiful.

Mummy.

Dear Samuel,

You are four months old today! My how time has flown, before I know it you are going to be fully grown and moving out of home to start your own family.

A year ago today I saw you on the moniter for the first time. You were just a tiny little blob and didn't lool like much of anything but that little blob had everything it needed to grow a full beautiful human being. A year on and your here in our lives making our world a much better and happier place. Life has changed so much in a year and I would never even want to go back to what it was before you. The day I first saw you on a moniter was one of the happiest days of my life. To know that I was carrying a baby and that you had implanted perfectly and that I was going to be a mum was an amazing feeling.

We are still on holidays at nannas at the moment and will be here for another two weeks. We haven't done much here, just taking it easy and relaxing. Yesterday you had your first ever trip to the beach. You kept gazing out over the water and were such a happy baby. I have a beautiful photo of you lying on your tummy on the grass looking up at me. I have done some shopping while we have been up here and have bought you some clothes and a few other bits and pieces.

Today you had another first, you found your feet! You started trying to pull your toes off and cracked it when they wouldn't come off, it was so funny little man and you are so cute playing with your hands and feet all the time, it wont be long before those little hands are playing with toys and those little feet are running around as fast as they can go. I look forward to watching you grow up little man and watching you become the man you will be one day in the future. I reall hope that i get it right and that you grow up well adjusted and with the confidance to beleive in your dreams.

Tuesday 20th April

My beautiful baby boy,

Today marks one year since the doctor told me that I didn't have a tummy bug and that I was pregnant. What an amazing year it has been, from feeling you getting bigger inside of me and week to week following what was devloping and growing now to giving birth to you and then for the last four months watching you grow and discover new things all the time. I love you so much little man.

You have been so good the past two days, full of smiles and giggles
and cooing and gaaing all the time. Everybody that meets you thinks
that you are beautiful, smart and completly georgeous. It seems
everybody falls in love with you the moment they meet you. I love
watching you interact with people, always so taken with new faces and
new places. It makes me smile to see you already trying to interact
with and explore your world.

Yesterday you decided it was time for a new trick and so when I was
giving you tummy time you decided you had enough of that and suddenly
you flipped yourself over on to your back then you lay there grinning
up at me so proud of your new trick. I know that you could tell that
mummy was so proud of you because not long after you decided it was
time to roll from your back to your tummy. You are so clever little
man, now that you have rolled over I know that it won't be long until
you start crawling and then walking.

Today we spent some of the morning meeting up with some people mummy
had been talking to on the computer. We went to a playcentre and while
their children played you showed the girls how strong you are in tummy
time. After we finished at the play centre we looked at baby clothes
in a nice shop and I bought you a new top and some cute shoes. This
afternoon you were exhausted from your busy morning and slept from two
to four thirty. I was going to take you for a swim but by the time you
woke up it had cooled too much for you so instead we had our first
bath together.

Tomorrow we will be taking your first trip to the beach and if it's
warm enough we will go for a swim in the rock pools.

I love you little man
Mummy.

Townsville

Dear Samuel,
You and I are on our first holiday. We spent most of today travelling
and at last arrived in Townsville to see nanna. You have been so good
today, on the car ride you slept most of the way only waking for a
bottle and some fun with daddy. At the airport you loved looking
around at all the new sights and all the new people and then we got
had to say goodbye to daddy and get on the plane. It was sad for me to
say goodbye to dad, I hate being away from him and I know he hates
being away from us. The plane ride was a little bumpy, we had a nice
man sitting next to us who helped me entertain you and keep you happy
but despite that you were a little cranky as it was way past your
bedtime, you slept on and off throughout the whole trip and only had
one or two times when you cried. After what felt like forever we got
to Townsville and nanna was waiting, she took you out of my arms and
has given you so many hugs and kisses.

It's going to be hard being away from dad but hopefully will have a
good time anyway. Daddy already misses us he cried when the plane took
off because he won't have us for the next little while.

Tonight you are sleeping in nannas room, it's weird for me going to
bed without you near by and right now I am thinking of coming and
kidnapping you away from nanna to bring back into bed with me.

Dear Samuel,

While you have still been a little unsettled on and off recently your sleep is getting so much better. You now sleep during the day on your own instead of only sleeping in my arms. I can usualy get you to sleep from 8.30 - 9.30 then 11am - 1pm and sometimes if I am lucky you will also do another hour or so in the afternoon around 3pm. You are going to bed most nights by around 7.00pm and are sleeping until anywhere from 10pm - 2am before waking for a feed. Most mornings you wake at around 5am for another feed and then come into bed with me and dad, unless you have come to bed with us earlier.

Since you started sleeping better so much has changed for us, when you are awake you are a much happier baby and are often content to play on your mat or in your swing as well as giving me lots of smiles and gooing at me all the time. Your smiles are so beautiful little man, they really light up my world. I love watching you watch the world around you, it is a beautiful thing to see you taking interest in what is happening and as I try to get down on your level and try to see things from the way I imagine you must see things I feel as though I am discovering the world for the first time. Too see you take great joy in banging your rattle around or touching the cats makes me smile and when you laugh I can't help but laugh with you.

This week you have become even more interactive, when I talk to you you coo back at me, when you come to bed with me you try to stroke my forhead in the way i stroke yours when I am putting you to sleep at night, its so beautiful almost like you are trying to put me to sleep. You have started giggling when I play peek a boo with you and when I sing silly songs with you. You love looking at peoples faces and when we go and see our friends you love looking at their baby, it won't be so long little man before you and her are playing together and I can't wait to see you playing and interacting with the other children around you.

Since you started on the new formula you have been so much better, you vomit less and seem to be in less pain, you don't seem to mind the formula too much or rather you tolerate it just like you did the ones we used before this. I don't think you like it so much though as you keep trying to push the bottle away and then not long later start crying because you are hungry. I can not wait until you get to six months old and I can start giving you solid foods, I can't wait to see you play with the food and discover new tastes.

Over Easter we let someone else babysit you for the first time. It was so scary for me little man to let somebody that wasn't me, daddy or nanna look after you but by all accounts you had a wonderful time. I couldn't wait to get you home that day and all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms once you got home but I couldn't because it was bedtime, I ended up making up for it though by bringing you in to bed with me a fair bit earlier then I usualy do.

Right now we are preparing for your first hoilday. On Sunday we are off to Townsville to visit nanna. I'm excited but also scared about flying with you but I know that we will manage it and it will be good for you to see nanna again.

I love you little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

Today we have had a rough day but no matter how rough the day is going, no matter how tired I am or hard I am finding it to cope the moment you smile at me the world seems a better place. Your smile feels me with such happiness and joy and makes all the trials we go through somehow seem worth it. You are so special to me little boy, you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, you are the reason that I strive to complete my university degree as once I do I will be able to work a good job and have enough money to give you a good life. Because of you I strive to be a better person, because of you there is joy in my life, because of you I have learnt how to be flexable, because of you I have learnt how to love unconditionaly and be loved unconditionaly, because of you my life is better now then it has ever been before. Between your father and you I have found so much joy, so much love and so much contentness. When the days are rough and the nights are long I try to remind myself of this.

We think that you are teething at the moment, your gum feels rough, you have be irritable, you have been sleeping badly, eating badly and just not yourself. It seems early for you to be teething but I have been assured by quite a few people that it is possiable for it to start happening this early and that it might still be another month or so before the tooth will cut through. You are learning new things all the time and I love to watch you looking around your world so interested in everything that you can see. You are now holding your head up on your own fairly well and for quite a good length of time before you get tired, you are also almost sitting up on your own we only really need to steady you otherwise you fall sideways.

Last weekend we went to Melbourne too see Teena. You were so much
better this trip then the previous one. You slept in the ergo carrier
all the way from Morwell to Melbourne and then were quite happy in
your pram as we looked around the shops. It was only as afternoon
turned into evening that you got grizzly and that was only because you
were so tired little man. Teena was so happy to see you and gave you
lots of cuddles, you happily cooed at her and made her laugh with your
adorable little giggle. Teena, another friend of hers and I were all
getting ready to go out but you proved to be a distraction little man,
because we were busy playing with you we ended up being two hours late
going out but it doesn't matter because you are worth it. Friday night
you slept so well at teena's and snuggled in beside me like usual. We
headed home Saturday evening after looking around the shops and you
were so exhausted that you went straight to bed when we got home.

On Sunday we had a busy day we had lunch at a friends house and then
you, daddy and I went to your three month photo shoot. You were so
good for the photographer and lasted a whole hour and a half before
you had enough. I can't wait to see the photos as I know there are
going to be some beautiful ones there.

This week we haven't done much, a friend of mine has visited a couple
of times and we went shopping once but that's about it. This week I
have been focusing on you and trying to teach you to sleep better
during the day. It's been so hard little man as I have needed to leave
you to cry for two minutes and even hearing you cry for that short
amount of time breaks my heart. I hate hearing you cry even when I
know your just complaining and not even really upset it's hard all I
want to do is pick you up and hold you close to me and that's exactly
what I do as soon as I know you are really upset or after a couple of
minutes. I come back to you, pick you up, hold you close and tell you
how much I love you. Remember little man I will always be there for
you when you are upset, I will never leave you to cry on your own when
you are really upset because I love you and want you to know how loved
you are.

Your voice seems to have changed in the last few days and I don't know
if it's normal because you are getting a little older or if you are
not feeling well. You are not drinking much either so I suspect that
you may have a sore throat, I hate seeing you unwell, and I know
something is wrong because you have been very grizzly and clingy.

It's been a little while since I last wrote to you little man, not
because of anything you have done but because I have not been very
well. We have had a fairly big week this past week and you have
handled it quite well.

Instead of being at home day in day out a friend took the two of us
shopping. You loved riding in the infant seat on her stroller up high
where you could see everything and be facing me, I wish we had a
stroller like that for you. That was last Monday. On Tuesday I had to
go to the dentist so my friend stef watched you while i was there. It
was the first time I had left you with anybody else and was quite a
scary thing for me to do but you were so good for stef.

On Thursday we had an appointment with the paedtrician and at last we
have the reason why you have been so unwell. You have cows milk
protein allergy, lactose and soy intollerance. Now that we know what
is wrong we can do something to fix it.

Dear Samuel,
Today you are 12 weeks old. I can not beleive how quickly that time
has gone or how quickly you are changing. Sometimes I look at you and
I can see the child/teenager/adult that you are going to become and
while I hope that life treats you well and leads you down nice paths I
am not in any hurry for you to grow up. I think that no matter what
happens you will always be my baby boy and no matter how big you get I
will never forget the tiny newborn I held in my arms 12 weeks ago.

You have been better this week, your temp has gone and the bad nappy
rash is almost healed. Yesterday we went and saw the paedtrician about
your feeding issues and he beleives that you are intollerent to either
lactose or the proteins in cows milk. We have a new formula to try and
will go and see the doctor again next week to evaluate how you are
going. I really hope this works as I hate seeing you in pain and
vomiting after every feed.

Daddy and I have been discussing your school future this week. We both
want the best for you but until you are a little older we don't know
what education system will suit you. At the moment we are thinking of
sending you to a private school that has fantastic facilitys and a lot
of extra currilica activitys that you can take part in. We don't know
if private is the way to go but are looking into it to put your name
down just in case.

This week you have two new tricks. You can now roll fro
your side to your back andyour side to your stomach. As well as that
you have got really good at grasping an object and holding on to it.
You love the rattle we bought you and have been shaking it around like
mad and then getting upset when you drop it.

My little man,
Words can not even begin to describe how happy you made me today. You
were having an unsettled day where nothing was calming you for longer
then a few moments and so after trying everything else I decided to
try offering you a feed from me. To my complete amazement and
overwhelming joy you took it and quite happily fed for a good ten
minutes. I was so surprised that it worked after not putting you near
the breast in five weeks that I called to dad so that he could see as
well. I sat there with you nursing and tears of joy running down my
face content with the knowledge that it may have only worked this once
but that you wanted me and that I was boosting your immune system in
those precious moments together. Words can not begin to express the
love I have for you, a love that grows stronger day by day, week by
week. I don't think my love for you will ever stop growing and I hope
that as you grow up I am always able to make you feel loved and
supported.

Sweet dreams little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Another week gone by and you are now 11 weeks old. 11 weeks with you
in my life and it's almost as though my life only began when yours
did. The time before you were here seems like a lifetime ago and a
world away from where I am today and it's a world that I am more then
happy to leave behind. I know I tell you and write this often but you
really do make me so very happy. Your smile lights up my day and makes
everything in my world seem so much brighter. I love the mornings when
I wake up with you beside me and I look down at you to find that your
already awake and smiling at me. It doesn't matter how little sleep I
may have had or how I am feeling your smile makes everything okay.

You have been unwell this week with what the doctor thinks is just an
infection so you are taking antibiotics and panadol to help keep your
fever down. You being unwell is scary for me as I feel so helpless and
know there is nothing else I can do to help you. Hopefully it won't be
long before you are better and back to your normal self.

Dearest baby boy,

You haven't been well this weekend, you've had a mild fever, a rash on
your face, stomach and nappy area and have been quite restless, your
reflux over the weekend has also been quite bad. It's frustrating for
daddy and I when your not well. Not because we are frustrated with you
but we get frustrated that there is only so much we can do to try and
make you feel better and when we have done everything in our power and
you are still unwell it makes us sad.

Honey you mean the world to me, you have given me a reason to live and
are my motivation to do everything I can to better myself and give you
the best that I can. There is so much that I want for you, so much I
want to teach you, to show you and experiences I can't wait to share
with you. You, daddy and I are going to see the world, to learn about
other cultures, to experience other ways of life. My goal is to take
you to visit all seven continents on earth. Never ever doubt that I
love you, even if you can not see me my love will be with you always.

Mummy.

My sweet little boy,
Today has been an up and down day. This morning you were so good, you
slept well and even had a nap in your bassinet. You fed well and were
happy and full of smiles, you even stopped sucking on your bottle to
look in to my eyes and grin at me. I held you on my lap and we talked
about going to visit nanna in a few weeks time. You were so happy and
cooed back at me. This evening something changed and you got really
upset, you cried and cried and nothing seemed to make it better. You
were full, you had a clean nappy and I was holding you close, rocking
you gently and talking to you softly but nothing made it better.
Eventually you fell asleep in my arms but woke again when we tried to
put you to bed. You fell asleep with daddy in the end but fell into
such a deep sleep that I became worried because nothing was waking
you. Then just as I gave you a kiss and said good night you opened
your eyes for a moment, looked at me and smiled then closed them again
and I knew you were okay. Being a mum isn't easy, I have never known
such overwhelming love combined with such fear and paranoia that
something will go wrong. It is so hard to sleep some nights because
all I want to do is sit up and watch you breathing so that I know you
are okay.

On the weekend we had a BBQ to celebrate you being here with us. A few
of our friends came and we had a nice evening with good food and good
company. Everybody loves you and everybody wanted to hold you. You
delighted all your guests with a beautiful smile and a delightful
giggle. Uncle Andrew's girlfriend was so happy that she could make you
giggle. The daughter of one of our friends was quite taken with you
and kept giving you hugs and kisses all night. So at only nine weeks
old you had your first BBQ and it was a success, well done little man.

You have learnt a new trick in the last two days, you can now roll
from your side to your back and from your back to your side. It won't
be long before you can roll all the way over. You are getting stronger
at tummy time too and can now hold your head up for quite a while
before you are tired and have had enough.

I love you my sweet boy
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

This week you have been very up and down, sometimes happy and settling well for sleep and other times screaming and not calming down regardless of what we do. Its hard very hard when you are crying and I don't know how to make it better but I do what I can and hold you close because thats the only thing I can do.

You are growing bigger all the time and sometimes when I look at you I can almost see what you are going to be like in a few years time, almost see the handsome little man that you are going to be and I feel so proud and so pleased that I am your mother. Sometimes I watch you while you are sleeping and don't want to look away, want to make this picture of my beautiful little boy asleep stay with me forever and i know that it will. I know that I will always remember be little baby that I held in my arms, that i fed and changed diapers for, who I taught right from wrong, and helped guide to becomming a wonderful man with a beautiful future. You are my light sweetheart, when I am feeling down and the world seems like a dark place all I have to do is look at you and I know that everything will be alright.

You haven't done anything new this week but are getting better at the things you have been doing for a little while. You smile at us all the time and your smile lights up your entire face, you coo and giggle and attempt to hold your head up. When you do tummy time these days you look like you are doing mini push ups and it is so very cute.

Looking forward to seeing you devlope more and more
Love always
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.

You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.

Dear Samuel,
You are eight weeks old now, time has gone by so quickly, it feels
like only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the first
time and welcoming you to the world but that was almost two months
ago. Today we saw the child health nurse and she is very happy with
your progress. You are measuring perfect on the 50th percentile for
weight but a bit under average at the 25th percentile for length. Your
hearing and everything else is perfect and she commented on how strong
you are.

Today has been a good day, we slept until 10.30am and then had a feed
and a play and you even went to sleep in your bassinet for an hour and
a half, something you never want to do during the day. You were happy
for most of the day too but got a really sooky tonight, I think that
you are just a little overtired which always makes it harder for you
to get to sleep.

Two days ago we had a huge scare, we were walking to the shops to go
and see a movie when a car came speeding down the road did burnouts
and almost hit us. If we had of been ten seconds earlier on that
road... The thought that I came so close to losing you terrifies me, I
can't imagine my world without you in it and I know I don't want to
live in a world without you in it. It makes me afraid to leave the
house with you, terrified that it will happen again and that next time
we will be that ten extra seconds down the road. I would do anything
to protect you my baby boy even if it meant I had to give my life for
yours. Please gorgeous boy don't turn into one of those hoons on the
road. It may seem like fun to speed and do burnouts but it is so
dangerous not only for you but for the innocent people going about
there day. I hope that as you grow up we are able to teach you to
respect other people and to think of the consequences of your actions
before you do something stupid.

Love always
Mummy

My dearest Samuel,

As I write this daddy is feeding you and you are happily having your
bottle at the same time as dozing. You haven't fed as much today as
you usualy do but I am not so worried as everything else is normal.
This morning after your bottle I decided to try and see if you wanted
to nurse from me as I had a fair bit of milk and wanted you to have
it. To my joy you did nurse while only for a short period of time it
was long enough for me to feel like you do want my milk. In some ways
things are starting to settle down into a sort of routine now. While
days are still messy and I never know what you are going to do or want
the nights now are usualy the same. We get you into your bed somewhere
between 9.00pm and 10.00pm and you sleep until daddy gets you up for a
dream/night feed between one and two in the morning. After that feed
and a nappy change you go back to sleep and sleep through until around
5.30am (though sometimes this can be as late as six or seven am) when
I give you your morning bottle. We go back to bed after this with you
coming into our bed and sleeping in my arms or against me until we get
up at about 10.30. At this time our day starts, we get up, get
dressed, you have another bottle and I have breakfast. After breakfast
we might go out to the shops or have a visitor. If it's just the two
of us you play on your playmat for a while while I do some housework
and then we sing some songs, read a book, pat the cat then I try to
settle you for a nap. After this point anything can happen with our
day.

When I look at you I am filled with such an overwhelming love that I
don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. It seems like a
hundred years have passed since it was just me and your dad and while
life is much different now to what it was then I wouldn't change a
thing. You make me happier then I have ever been before, happier then
I can put into words. I want so much to guide you and help you grow up
a wonderful human being. I can not wait to show you the world and
watch you explore it.

My darling little boy,
I love you so much that it is hard for me anytime I have to be away from you. Within an hour of being away from you all I want is to be home, or if you are out with dad have you home, and be able to hold you close to me and tell you that I love you. Sometimes when I think about you, hold you or watch you sleep I am filled with such an overwhelming love that fills every part of me, this is what unconditional love feels like and its something that I hope you area able to experience for your own child one day far into the future.

Most of this week you have been unwell, your reflux has been bad, you have had oral thrush again and with it being hot all week you have not been sleeping well but today you had a pretty good day. You didn't cry as much as other days and even let me put you down on your play mat for small periods of time when usualy you won't let me put you down at all. You don't like sleeping on your own during the day and while I am afraid that it will teach you bad sleeping habits I can't help but want to lay down with you and hold you close while you are sleeping. Every morning after your six o clock feed I take you back to bed with me so that the two of us can both get a little more rest before getting up for the day. During the day, usualy in the afternoon we have a nap together. I love these quite moments when you are sleeping peaceful and I can relax knowing that for this moment in time there is nothing that I have to do but be with you. I am so careful to place you away from where any pillows or blankets could fall on you and suffocate you and so careful to have you in the centre of the bed so that there is no way you could fall off. At first I was scared of having you in the bed with me but now that I am figuring out how to do it I don't feel afraid anymore, it feels right and natural. When you think how the rest of the world sleeps with their babies then this is the tradional way, it was normal for the baby and sometimes the whole family to share a bed with their parents in years gone past and sometimes i think that its sad that its now consider to be a bad thing.

I love you little man and hope that dad gets home with you shortly so that I can hold you in my arms, give you a kiss and tell you that I love you.

Love always
Mummy.

Dear Samuel,

You are having a bad day today and I don't know how to help you. Nothing that we try seems to be working you just keep crying and crying until you are so exhausted you can't cry anymore and then after a short nap you are crying again. It seems the only time you have stopped crying today is when the lady was hear taking the moulds so we can get plaster casts of your tiny feet and hands. I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, to take away what ever it is that is making you so upset, I am doing everything that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough to fix it for you. I know that your stomach hurts as a result of the reflux and its been a hot day I am doing my best by giving you reflux formula and trying to keep you cool. I just want to make it all better for you little man, want to take the pain away, take the heat away and make you comfortable and happy.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, I was and still am so proud of you because you lifted your head and held it up for a few moments all on your own while doing tummy time. You don't like tummy time much and will only tolerate it for short periods of time but everyday I can see your neck getting stronger, every day you get a little better at it. To some people it may just be a small thing but it made me so happy to see that you are progressing, growing and learning everyday.

Even on the tough days like today I still love you and still want to do what I can to help make it better and make you happy.

Love
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.

While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.

I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.

I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.

Mummy.