Dear Samuel,

Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.

While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.

I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.

I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.

Mummy.