Last weekend we went to Melbourne too see Teena. You were so much
better this trip then the previous one. You slept in the ergo carrier
all the way from Morwell to Melbourne and then were quite happy in
your pram as we looked around the shops. It was only as afternoon
turned into evening that you got grizzly and that was only because you
were so tired little man. Teena was so happy to see you and gave you
lots of cuddles, you happily cooed at her and made her laugh with your
adorable little giggle. Teena, another friend of hers and I were all
getting ready to go out but you proved to be a distraction little man,
because we were busy playing with you we ended up being two hours late
going out but it doesn't matter because you are worth it. Friday night
you slept so well at teena's and snuggled in beside me like usual. We
headed home Saturday evening after looking around the shops and you
were so exhausted that you went straight to bed when we got home.

On Sunday we had a busy day we had lunch at a friends house and then
you, daddy and I went to your three month photo shoot. You were so
good for the photographer and lasted a whole hour and a half before
you had enough. I can't wait to see the photos as I know there are
going to be some beautiful ones there.

This week we haven't done much, a friend of mine has visited a couple
of times and we went shopping once but that's about it. This week I
have been focusing on you and trying to teach you to sleep better
during the day. It's been so hard little man as I have needed to leave
you to cry for two minutes and even hearing you cry for that short
amount of time breaks my heart. I hate hearing you cry even when I
know your just complaining and not even really upset it's hard all I
want to do is pick you up and hold you close to me and that's exactly
what I do as soon as I know you are really upset or after a couple of
minutes. I come back to you, pick you up, hold you close and tell you
how much I love you. Remember little man I will always be there for
you when you are upset, I will never leave you to cry on your own when
you are really upset because I love you and want you to know how loved
you are.

Your voice seems to have changed in the last few days and I don't know
if it's normal because you are getting a little older or if you are
not feeling well. You are not drinking much either so I suspect that
you may have a sore throat, I hate seeing you unwell, and I know
something is wrong because you have been very grizzly and clingy.

It's been a little while since I last wrote to you little man, not
because of anything you have done but because I have not been very
well. We have had a fairly big week this past week and you have
handled it quite well.

Instead of being at home day in day out a friend took the two of us
shopping. You loved riding in the infant seat on her stroller up high
where you could see everything and be facing me, I wish we had a
stroller like that for you. That was last Monday. On Tuesday I had to
go to the dentist so my friend stef watched you while i was there. It
was the first time I had left you with anybody else and was quite a
scary thing for me to do but you were so good for stef.

On Thursday we had an appointment with the paedtrician and at last we
have the reason why you have been so unwell. You have cows milk
protein allergy, lactose and soy intollerance. Now that we know what
is wrong we can do something to fix it.

Dear Samuel,
Today you are 12 weeks old. I can not beleive how quickly that time
has gone or how quickly you are changing. Sometimes I look at you and
I can see the child/teenager/adult that you are going to become and
while I hope that life treats you well and leads you down nice paths I
am not in any hurry for you to grow up. I think that no matter what
happens you will always be my baby boy and no matter how big you get I
will never forget the tiny newborn I held in my arms 12 weeks ago.

You have been better this week, your temp has gone and the bad nappy
rash is almost healed. Yesterday we went and saw the paedtrician about
your feeding issues and he beleives that you are intollerent to either
lactose or the proteins in cows milk. We have a new formula to try and
will go and see the doctor again next week to evaluate how you are
going. I really hope this works as I hate seeing you in pain and
vomiting after every feed.

Daddy and I have been discussing your school future this week. We both
want the best for you but until you are a little older we don't know
what education system will suit you. At the moment we are thinking of
sending you to a private school that has fantastic facilitys and a lot
of extra currilica activitys that you can take part in. We don't know
if private is the way to go but are looking into it to put your name
down just in case.

This week you have two new tricks. You can now roll fro
your side to your back andyour side to your stomach. As well as that
you have got really good at grasping an object and holding on to it.
You love the rattle we bought you and have been shaking it around like
mad and then getting upset when you drop it.

My little man,
Words can not even begin to describe how happy you made me today. You
were having an unsettled day where nothing was calming you for longer
then a few moments and so after trying everything else I decided to
try offering you a feed from me. To my complete amazement and
overwhelming joy you took it and quite happily fed for a good ten
minutes. I was so surprised that it worked after not putting you near
the breast in five weeks that I called to dad so that he could see as
well. I sat there with you nursing and tears of joy running down my
face content with the knowledge that it may have only worked this once
but that you wanted me and that I was boosting your immune system in
those precious moments together. Words can not begin to express the
love I have for you, a love that grows stronger day by day, week by
week. I don't think my love for you will ever stop growing and I hope
that as you grow up I am always able to make you feel loved and
supported.

Sweet dreams little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Another week gone by and you are now 11 weeks old. 11 weeks with you
in my life and it's almost as though my life only began when yours
did. The time before you were here seems like a lifetime ago and a
world away from where I am today and it's a world that I am more then
happy to leave behind. I know I tell you and write this often but you
really do make me so very happy. Your smile lights up my day and makes
everything in my world seem so much brighter. I love the mornings when
I wake up with you beside me and I look down at you to find that your
already awake and smiling at me. It doesn't matter how little sleep I
may have had or how I am feeling your smile makes everything okay.

You have been unwell this week with what the doctor thinks is just an
infection so you are taking antibiotics and panadol to help keep your
fever down. You being unwell is scary for me as I feel so helpless and
know there is nothing else I can do to help you. Hopefully it won't be
long before you are better and back to your normal self.

Dearest baby boy,

You haven't been well this weekend, you've had a mild fever, a rash on
your face, stomach and nappy area and have been quite restless, your
reflux over the weekend has also been quite bad. It's frustrating for
daddy and I when your not well. Not because we are frustrated with you
but we get frustrated that there is only so much we can do to try and
make you feel better and when we have done everything in our power and
you are still unwell it makes us sad.

Honey you mean the world to me, you have given me a reason to live and
are my motivation to do everything I can to better myself and give you
the best that I can. There is so much that I want for you, so much I
want to teach you, to show you and experiences I can't wait to share
with you. You, daddy and I are going to see the world, to learn about
other cultures, to experience other ways of life. My goal is to take
you to visit all seven continents on earth. Never ever doubt that I
love you, even if you can not see me my love will be with you always.

Mummy.

My sweet little boy,
Today has been an up and down day. This morning you were so good, you
slept well and even had a nap in your bassinet. You fed well and were
happy and full of smiles, you even stopped sucking on your bottle to
look in to my eyes and grin at me. I held you on my lap and we talked
about going to visit nanna in a few weeks time. You were so happy and
cooed back at me. This evening something changed and you got really
upset, you cried and cried and nothing seemed to make it better. You
were full, you had a clean nappy and I was holding you close, rocking
you gently and talking to you softly but nothing made it better.
Eventually you fell asleep in my arms but woke again when we tried to
put you to bed. You fell asleep with daddy in the end but fell into
such a deep sleep that I became worried because nothing was waking
you. Then just as I gave you a kiss and said good night you opened
your eyes for a moment, looked at me and smiled then closed them again
and I knew you were okay. Being a mum isn't easy, I have never known
such overwhelming love combined with such fear and paranoia that
something will go wrong. It is so hard to sleep some nights because
all I want to do is sit up and watch you breathing so that I know you
are okay.

On the weekend we had a BBQ to celebrate you being here with us. A few
of our friends came and we had a nice evening with good food and good
company. Everybody loves you and everybody wanted to hold you. You
delighted all your guests with a beautiful smile and a delightful
giggle. Uncle Andrew's girlfriend was so happy that she could make you
giggle. The daughter of one of our friends was quite taken with you
and kept giving you hugs and kisses all night. So at only nine weeks
old you had your first BBQ and it was a success, well done little man.

You have learnt a new trick in the last two days, you can now roll
from your side to your back and from your back to your side. It won't
be long before you can roll all the way over. You are getting stronger
at tummy time too and can now hold your head up for quite a while
before you are tired and have had enough.

I love you my sweet boy
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

This week you have been very up and down, sometimes happy and settling well for sleep and other times screaming and not calming down regardless of what we do. Its hard very hard when you are crying and I don't know how to make it better but I do what I can and hold you close because thats the only thing I can do.

You are growing bigger all the time and sometimes when I look at you I can almost see what you are going to be like in a few years time, almost see the handsome little man that you are going to be and I feel so proud and so pleased that I am your mother. Sometimes I watch you while you are sleeping and don't want to look away, want to make this picture of my beautiful little boy asleep stay with me forever and i know that it will. I know that I will always remember be little baby that I held in my arms, that i fed and changed diapers for, who I taught right from wrong, and helped guide to becomming a wonderful man with a beautiful future. You are my light sweetheart, when I am feeling down and the world seems like a dark place all I have to do is look at you and I know that everything will be alright.

You haven't done anything new this week but are getting better at the things you have been doing for a little while. You smile at us all the time and your smile lights up your entire face, you coo and giggle and attempt to hold your head up. When you do tummy time these days you look like you are doing mini push ups and it is so very cute.

Looking forward to seeing you devlope more and more
Love always
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.

You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.

Dear Samuel,
You are eight weeks old now, time has gone by so quickly, it feels
like only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the first
time and welcoming you to the world but that was almost two months
ago. Today we saw the child health nurse and she is very happy with
your progress. You are measuring perfect on the 50th percentile for
weight but a bit under average at the 25th percentile for length. Your
hearing and everything else is perfect and she commented on how strong
you are.

Today has been a good day, we slept until 10.30am and then had a feed
and a play and you even went to sleep in your bassinet for an hour and
a half, something you never want to do during the day. You were happy
for most of the day too but got a really sooky tonight, I think that
you are just a little overtired which always makes it harder for you
to get to sleep.

Two days ago we had a huge scare, we were walking to the shops to go
and see a movie when a car came speeding down the road did burnouts
and almost hit us. If we had of been ten seconds earlier on that
road... The thought that I came so close to losing you terrifies me, I
can't imagine my world without you in it and I know I don't want to
live in a world without you in it. It makes me afraid to leave the
house with you, terrified that it will happen again and that next time
we will be that ten extra seconds down the road. I would do anything
to protect you my baby boy even if it meant I had to give my life for
yours. Please gorgeous boy don't turn into one of those hoons on the
road. It may seem like fun to speed and do burnouts but it is so
dangerous not only for you but for the innocent people going about
there day. I hope that as you grow up we are able to teach you to
respect other people and to think of the consequences of your actions
before you do something stupid.

Love always
Mummy

My dearest Samuel,

As I write this daddy is feeding you and you are happily having your
bottle at the same time as dozing. You haven't fed as much today as
you usualy do but I am not so worried as everything else is normal.
This morning after your bottle I decided to try and see if you wanted
to nurse from me as I had a fair bit of milk and wanted you to have
it. To my joy you did nurse while only for a short period of time it
was long enough for me to feel like you do want my milk. In some ways
things are starting to settle down into a sort of routine now. While
days are still messy and I never know what you are going to do or want
the nights now are usualy the same. We get you into your bed somewhere
between 9.00pm and 10.00pm and you sleep until daddy gets you up for a
dream/night feed between one and two in the morning. After that feed
and a nappy change you go back to sleep and sleep through until around
5.30am (though sometimes this can be as late as six or seven am) when
I give you your morning bottle. We go back to bed after this with you
coming into our bed and sleeping in my arms or against me until we get
up at about 10.30. At this time our day starts, we get up, get
dressed, you have another bottle and I have breakfast. After breakfast
we might go out to the shops or have a visitor. If it's just the two
of us you play on your playmat for a while while I do some housework
and then we sing some songs, read a book, pat the cat then I try to
settle you for a nap. After this point anything can happen with our
day.

When I look at you I am filled with such an overwhelming love that I
don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. It seems like a
hundred years have passed since it was just me and your dad and while
life is much different now to what it was then I wouldn't change a
thing. You make me happier then I have ever been before, happier then
I can put into words. I want so much to guide you and help you grow up
a wonderful human being. I can not wait to show you the world and
watch you explore it.

My darling little boy,
I love you so much that it is hard for me anytime I have to be away from you. Within an hour of being away from you all I want is to be home, or if you are out with dad have you home, and be able to hold you close to me and tell you that I love you. Sometimes when I think about you, hold you or watch you sleep I am filled with such an overwhelming love that fills every part of me, this is what unconditional love feels like and its something that I hope you area able to experience for your own child one day far into the future.

Most of this week you have been unwell, your reflux has been bad, you have had oral thrush again and with it being hot all week you have not been sleeping well but today you had a pretty good day. You didn't cry as much as other days and even let me put you down on your play mat for small periods of time when usualy you won't let me put you down at all. You don't like sleeping on your own during the day and while I am afraid that it will teach you bad sleeping habits I can't help but want to lay down with you and hold you close while you are sleeping. Every morning after your six o clock feed I take you back to bed with me so that the two of us can both get a little more rest before getting up for the day. During the day, usualy in the afternoon we have a nap together. I love these quite moments when you are sleeping peaceful and I can relax knowing that for this moment in time there is nothing that I have to do but be with you. I am so careful to place you away from where any pillows or blankets could fall on you and suffocate you and so careful to have you in the centre of the bed so that there is no way you could fall off. At first I was scared of having you in the bed with me but now that I am figuring out how to do it I don't feel afraid anymore, it feels right and natural. When you think how the rest of the world sleeps with their babies then this is the tradional way, it was normal for the baby and sometimes the whole family to share a bed with their parents in years gone past and sometimes i think that its sad that its now consider to be a bad thing.

I love you little man and hope that dad gets home with you shortly so that I can hold you in my arms, give you a kiss and tell you that I love you.

Love always
Mummy.

Dear Samuel,

You are having a bad day today and I don't know how to help you. Nothing that we try seems to be working you just keep crying and crying until you are so exhausted you can't cry anymore and then after a short nap you are crying again. It seems the only time you have stopped crying today is when the lady was hear taking the moulds so we can get plaster casts of your tiny feet and hands. I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, to take away what ever it is that is making you so upset, I am doing everything that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough to fix it for you. I know that your stomach hurts as a result of the reflux and its been a hot day I am doing my best by giving you reflux formula and trying to keep you cool. I just want to make it all better for you little man, want to take the pain away, take the heat away and make you comfortable and happy.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, I was and still am so proud of you because you lifted your head and held it up for a few moments all on your own while doing tummy time. You don't like tummy time much and will only tolerate it for short periods of time but everyday I can see your neck getting stronger, every day you get a little better at it. To some people it may just be a small thing but it made me so happy to see that you are progressing, growing and learning everyday.

Even on the tough days like today I still love you and still want to do what I can to help make it better and make you happy.

Love
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.

While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.

I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.

I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.

Mummy.

Dearest Samuel,
Today I had to make the heartbreaking decision that it is time to give
up breastfeeding. My beautiful boy I have tried everything there is to
try to make this work for us, herbs, special foods, medication from
the doctor, massage, warm compresses, different holds, tube feeding,
trying to coax you with the dummy or a bottle and swapping everything.
I wanted so much to give you the very best but it's just working out.
I don't know what else I can do now except to say okay I have done my
best but now it's time to let it go. If I don't every feedtime is
going to continue to be a fight and I don't want to look back on this
special time with resentment that every day felt like a battle. I want
to remember this time as one of the best times in my life. I'm sorry I
couldn't make it work little man, I so wanted too and I love the
closeness I feel when we do have a good feed but every feed is getting
harder and I feel it's better for us to both be happy then to be
stressed and upset over this.

There is a lesson in all of this baby boy, sometimes in life it's okay
to say enough is enough. When you have tried everything you can to
make something work and it all fails there is no shame in giving up.
As long as you tried your hardest and gave it your best I will always
be proud of you no matter the cicumstance.

I love you little man
Mum