Dear Samuel,
This week you have been very up and down, sometimes happy and settling well for sleep and other times screaming and not calming down regardless of what we do. Its hard very hard when you are crying and I don't know how to make it better but I do what I can and hold you close because thats the only thing I can do.
You are growing bigger all the time and sometimes when I look at you I can almost see what you are going to be like in a few years time, almost see the handsome little man that you are going to be and I feel so proud and so pleased that I am your mother. Sometimes I watch you while you are sleeping and don't want to look away, want to make this picture of my beautiful little boy asleep stay with me forever and i know that it will. I know that I will always remember be little baby that I held in my arms, that i fed and changed diapers for, who I taught right from wrong, and helped guide to becomming a wonderful man with a beautiful future. You are my light sweetheart, when I am feeling down and the world seems like a dark place all I have to do is look at you and I know that everything will be alright.
You haven't done anything new this week but are getting better at the things you have been doing for a little while. You smile at us all the time and your smile lights up your entire face, you coo and giggle and attempt to hold your head up. When you do tummy time these days you look like you are doing mini push ups and it is so very cute.
Looking forward to seeing you devlope more and more
Love always
Mummy
Friday, February 26, 2010
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dear Samuel,
You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.
You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.
You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.
You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Dear Samuel,
You are eight weeks old now, time has gone by so quickly, it feels
like only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the first
time and welcoming you to the world but that was almost two months
ago. Today we saw the child health nurse and she is very happy with
your progress. You are measuring perfect on the 50th percentile for
weight but a bit under average at the 25th percentile for length. Your
hearing and everything else is perfect and she commented on how strong
you are.
Today has been a good day, we slept until 10.30am and then had a feed
and a play and you even went to sleep in your bassinet for an hour and
a half, something you never want to do during the day. You were happy
for most of the day too but got a really sooky tonight, I think that
you are just a little overtired which always makes it harder for you
to get to sleep.
Two days ago we had a huge scare, we were walking to the shops to go
and see a movie when a car came speeding down the road did burnouts
and almost hit us. If we had of been ten seconds earlier on that
road... The thought that I came so close to losing you terrifies me, I
can't imagine my world without you in it and I know I don't want to
live in a world without you in it. It makes me afraid to leave the
house with you, terrified that it will happen again and that next time
we will be that ten extra seconds down the road. I would do anything
to protect you my baby boy even if it meant I had to give my life for
yours. Please gorgeous boy don't turn into one of those hoons on the
road. It may seem like fun to speed and do burnouts but it is so
dangerous not only for you but for the innocent people going about
there day. I hope that as you grow up we are able to teach you to
respect other people and to think of the consequences of your actions
before you do something stupid.
Love always
Mummy
You are eight weeks old now, time has gone by so quickly, it feels
like only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the first
time and welcoming you to the world but that was almost two months
ago. Today we saw the child health nurse and she is very happy with
your progress. You are measuring perfect on the 50th percentile for
weight but a bit under average at the 25th percentile for length. Your
hearing and everything else is perfect and she commented on how strong
you are.
Today has been a good day, we slept until 10.30am and then had a feed
and a play and you even went to sleep in your bassinet for an hour and
a half, something you never want to do during the day. You were happy
for most of the day too but got a really sooky tonight, I think that
you are just a little overtired which always makes it harder for you
to get to sleep.
Two days ago we had a huge scare, we were walking to the shops to go
and see a movie when a car came speeding down the road did burnouts
and almost hit us. If we had of been ten seconds earlier on that
road... The thought that I came so close to losing you terrifies me, I
can't imagine my world without you in it and I know I don't want to
live in a world without you in it. It makes me afraid to leave the
house with you, terrified that it will happen again and that next time
we will be that ten extra seconds down the road. I would do anything
to protect you my baby boy even if it meant I had to give my life for
yours. Please gorgeous boy don't turn into one of those hoons on the
road. It may seem like fun to speed and do burnouts but it is so
dangerous not only for you but for the innocent people going about
there day. I hope that as you grow up we are able to teach you to
respect other people and to think of the consequences of your actions
before you do something stupid.
Love always
Mummy
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
My dearest Samuel,
As I write this daddy is feeding you and you are happily having your
bottle at the same time as dozing. You haven't fed as much today as
you usualy do but I am not so worried as everything else is normal.
This morning after your bottle I decided to try and see if you wanted
to nurse from me as I had a fair bit of milk and wanted you to have
it. To my joy you did nurse while only for a short period of time it
was long enough for me to feel like you do want my milk. In some ways
things are starting to settle down into a sort of routine now. While
days are still messy and I never know what you are going to do or want
the nights now are usualy the same. We get you into your bed somewhere
between 9.00pm and 10.00pm and you sleep until daddy gets you up for a
dream/night feed between one and two in the morning. After that feed
and a nappy change you go back to sleep and sleep through until around
5.30am (though sometimes this can be as late as six or seven am) when
I give you your morning bottle. We go back to bed after this with you
coming into our bed and sleeping in my arms or against me until we get
up at about 10.30. At this time our day starts, we get up, get
dressed, you have another bottle and I have breakfast. After breakfast
we might go out to the shops or have a visitor. If it's just the two
of us you play on your playmat for a while while I do some housework
and then we sing some songs, read a book, pat the cat then I try to
settle you for a nap. After this point anything can happen with our
day.
When I look at you I am filled with such an overwhelming love that I
don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. It seems like a
hundred years have passed since it was just me and your dad and while
life is much different now to what it was then I wouldn't change a
thing. You make me happier then I have ever been before, happier then
I can put into words. I want so much to guide you and help you grow up
a wonderful human being. I can not wait to show you the world and
watch you explore it.
As I write this daddy is feeding you and you are happily having your
bottle at the same time as dozing. You haven't fed as much today as
you usualy do but I am not so worried as everything else is normal.
This morning after your bottle I decided to try and see if you wanted
to nurse from me as I had a fair bit of milk and wanted you to have
it. To my joy you did nurse while only for a short period of time it
was long enough for me to feel like you do want my milk. In some ways
things are starting to settle down into a sort of routine now. While
days are still messy and I never know what you are going to do or want
the nights now are usualy the same. We get you into your bed somewhere
between 9.00pm and 10.00pm and you sleep until daddy gets you up for a
dream/night feed between one and two in the morning. After that feed
and a nappy change you go back to sleep and sleep through until around
5.30am (though sometimes this can be as late as six or seven am) when
I give you your morning bottle. We go back to bed after this with you
coming into our bed and sleeping in my arms or against me until we get
up at about 10.30. At this time our day starts, we get up, get
dressed, you have another bottle and I have breakfast. After breakfast
we might go out to the shops or have a visitor. If it's just the two
of us you play on your playmat for a while while I do some housework
and then we sing some songs, read a book, pat the cat then I try to
settle you for a nap. After this point anything can happen with our
day.
When I look at you I am filled with such an overwhelming love that I
don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. It seems like a
hundred years have passed since it was just me and your dad and while
life is much different now to what it was then I wouldn't change a
thing. You make me happier then I have ever been before, happier then
I can put into words. I want so much to guide you and help you grow up
a wonderful human being. I can not wait to show you the world and
watch you explore it.
Friday, February 12, 2010
My darling little boy,
I love you so much that it is hard for me anytime I have to be away from you. Within an hour of being away from you all I want is to be home, or if you are out with dad have you home, and be able to hold you close to me and tell you that I love you. Sometimes when I think about you, hold you or watch you sleep I am filled with such an overwhelming love that fills every part of me, this is what unconditional love feels like and its something that I hope you area able to experience for your own child one day far into the future.
Most of this week you have been unwell, your reflux has been bad, you have had oral thrush again and with it being hot all week you have not been sleeping well but today you had a pretty good day. You didn't cry as much as other days and even let me put you down on your play mat for small periods of time when usualy you won't let me put you down at all. You don't like sleeping on your own during the day and while I am afraid that it will teach you bad sleeping habits I can't help but want to lay down with you and hold you close while you are sleeping. Every morning after your six o clock feed I take you back to bed with me so that the two of us can both get a little more rest before getting up for the day. During the day, usualy in the afternoon we have a nap together. I love these quite moments when you are sleeping peaceful and I can relax knowing that for this moment in time there is nothing that I have to do but be with you. I am so careful to place you away from where any pillows or blankets could fall on you and suffocate you and so careful to have you in the centre of the bed so that there is no way you could fall off. At first I was scared of having you in the bed with me but now that I am figuring out how to do it I don't feel afraid anymore, it feels right and natural. When you think how the rest of the world sleeps with their babies then this is the tradional way, it was normal for the baby and sometimes the whole family to share a bed with their parents in years gone past and sometimes i think that its sad that its now consider to be a bad thing.
I love you little man and hope that dad gets home with you shortly so that I can hold you in my arms, give you a kiss and tell you that I love you.
Love always
Mummy.
I love you so much that it is hard for me anytime I have to be away from you. Within an hour of being away from you all I want is to be home, or if you are out with dad have you home, and be able to hold you close to me and tell you that I love you. Sometimes when I think about you, hold you or watch you sleep I am filled with such an overwhelming love that fills every part of me, this is what unconditional love feels like and its something that I hope you area able to experience for your own child one day far into the future.
Most of this week you have been unwell, your reflux has been bad, you have had oral thrush again and with it being hot all week you have not been sleeping well but today you had a pretty good day. You didn't cry as much as other days and even let me put you down on your play mat for small periods of time when usualy you won't let me put you down at all. You don't like sleeping on your own during the day and while I am afraid that it will teach you bad sleeping habits I can't help but want to lay down with you and hold you close while you are sleeping. Every morning after your six o clock feed I take you back to bed with me so that the two of us can both get a little more rest before getting up for the day. During the day, usualy in the afternoon we have a nap together. I love these quite moments when you are sleeping peaceful and I can relax knowing that for this moment in time there is nothing that I have to do but be with you. I am so careful to place you away from where any pillows or blankets could fall on you and suffocate you and so careful to have you in the centre of the bed so that there is no way you could fall off. At first I was scared of having you in the bed with me but now that I am figuring out how to do it I don't feel afraid anymore, it feels right and natural. When you think how the rest of the world sleeps with their babies then this is the tradional way, it was normal for the baby and sometimes the whole family to share a bed with their parents in years gone past and sometimes i think that its sad that its now consider to be a bad thing.
I love you little man and hope that dad gets home with you shortly so that I can hold you in my arms, give you a kiss and tell you that I love you.
Love always
Mummy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Dear Samuel,
You are having a bad day today and I don't know how to help you. Nothing that we try seems to be working you just keep crying and crying until you are so exhausted you can't cry anymore and then after a short nap you are crying again. It seems the only time you have stopped crying today is when the lady was hear taking the moulds so we can get plaster casts of your tiny feet and hands. I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, to take away what ever it is that is making you so upset, I am doing everything that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough to fix it for you. I know that your stomach hurts as a result of the reflux and its been a hot day I am doing my best by giving you reflux formula and trying to keep you cool. I just want to make it all better for you little man, want to take the pain away, take the heat away and make you comfortable and happy.
Yesterday was a fairly good day, I was and still am so proud of you because you lifted your head and held it up for a few moments all on your own while doing tummy time. You don't like tummy time much and will only tolerate it for short periods of time but everyday I can see your neck getting stronger, every day you get a little better at it. To some people it may just be a small thing but it made me so happy to see that you are progressing, growing and learning everyday.
Even on the tough days like today I still love you and still want to do what I can to help make it better and make you happy.
Love
Mummy
You are having a bad day today and I don't know how to help you. Nothing that we try seems to be working you just keep crying and crying until you are so exhausted you can't cry anymore and then after a short nap you are crying again. It seems the only time you have stopped crying today is when the lady was hear taking the moulds so we can get plaster casts of your tiny feet and hands. I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, to take away what ever it is that is making you so upset, I am doing everything that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough to fix it for you. I know that your stomach hurts as a result of the reflux and its been a hot day I am doing my best by giving you reflux formula and trying to keep you cool. I just want to make it all better for you little man, want to take the pain away, take the heat away and make you comfortable and happy.
Yesterday was a fairly good day, I was and still am so proud of you because you lifted your head and held it up for a few moments all on your own while doing tummy time. You don't like tummy time much and will only tolerate it for short periods of time but everyday I can see your neck getting stronger, every day you get a little better at it. To some people it may just be a small thing but it made me so happy to see that you are progressing, growing and learning everyday.
Even on the tough days like today I still love you and still want to do what I can to help make it better and make you happy.
Love
Mummy
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Dear Samuel,
Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.
While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.
I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.
I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.
Mummy.
Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.
While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.
I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.
I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.
Mummy.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Dearest Samuel,
Today I had to make the heartbreaking decision that it is time to give
up breastfeeding. My beautiful boy I have tried everything there is to
try to make this work for us, herbs, special foods, medication from
the doctor, massage, warm compresses, different holds, tube feeding,
trying to coax you with the dummy or a bottle and swapping everything.
I wanted so much to give you the very best but it's just working out.
I don't know what else I can do now except to say okay I have done my
best but now it's time to let it go. If I don't every feedtime is
going to continue to be a fight and I don't want to look back on this
special time with resentment that every day felt like a battle. I want
to remember this time as one of the best times in my life. I'm sorry I
couldn't make it work little man, I so wanted too and I love the
closeness I feel when we do have a good feed but every feed is getting
harder and I feel it's better for us to both be happy then to be
stressed and upset over this.
There is a lesson in all of this baby boy, sometimes in life it's okay
to say enough is enough. When you have tried everything you can to
make something work and it all fails there is no shame in giving up.
As long as you tried your hardest and gave it your best I will always
be proud of you no matter the cicumstance.
I love you little man
Mum
Today I had to make the heartbreaking decision that it is time to give
up breastfeeding. My beautiful boy I have tried everything there is to
try to make this work for us, herbs, special foods, medication from
the doctor, massage, warm compresses, different holds, tube feeding,
trying to coax you with the dummy or a bottle and swapping everything.
I wanted so much to give you the very best but it's just working out.
I don't know what else I can do now except to say okay I have done my
best but now it's time to let it go. If I don't every feedtime is
going to continue to be a fight and I don't want to look back on this
special time with resentment that every day felt like a battle. I want
to remember this time as one of the best times in my life. I'm sorry I
couldn't make it work little man, I so wanted too and I love the
closeness I feel when we do have a good feed but every feed is getting
harder and I feel it's better for us to both be happy then to be
stressed and upset over this.
There is a lesson in all of this baby boy, sometimes in life it's okay
to say enough is enough. When you have tried everything you can to
make something work and it all fails there is no shame in giving up.
As long as you tried your hardest and gave it your best I will always
be proud of you no matter the cicumstance.
I love you little man
Mum
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