My beautiful little boy, where does the time go? I look at you and I see a little boy, not so much a toddler anymore but growing, learning and changing day by day. Where did the tiny baby I held in my arms for the first time all those months past go? I love seeing you discover the world, learn new things and do new things, I remember when I celebrated every new word you said and now words are becoming longer and longer sentences and you understand so much more now that we even have conversations. You get so excited about so many things and I love seeing the joy on your face when you first see me in the morning or when I pick you up from dads. I love hearing the happiness in your voice when you say mummy or tell me that you love me. You make me smile with so many of the things you do every day. Watching you play with your trains and spaceship, ride your trike, chase the dog or kick a ball is teaching me about a world that I forgot existed, a world where for a time we live in that moment and not focus on what has been or what is to come I love you so much my beautiful little boy and I'm so proud to be your mother, to honoured that I can watch you grow and slowly help guide you in life to the man you will one day be. We took you to the zoo for the first time this week and you loved it. You loved looking at all the animals and a lot of them had babies that you were so excited to see. Your favourite animal was the sun bears and you also liked the zebra and owls. You saw two zebras standing together and made us laugh when you pointed at them and told us that they were daddy and grandma, later when you saw a monkey with its baby you tried to tell me that the baby monkey was the baby that is in my womb now. In roughly nine weeks your little sister will be born and I worry every day about how this change will impact you. I wonder what what sort of brother you will be and I hope that you will love her and be her friend as the two of your grow up together. I feel so much guilt over turning your life upside down, you didn't ask for this and you have no idea yet how much life for all of us is going to change once she is born. I hope that you never wonder if mummy still loves you, hope that you don't feel like we are trying to replace you. I am going to strive to be the best mummy I can and never ever leave you wondering if I love you. I can't wait until you come home from daddy's tomorrow, I miss your hugs and smile when you are not here with me. Love always Mummy

Dear Samuel, What a topsy turvy few months we have had my little man. Mummy was so sick for months that I wasn't able to do much more then sit on the couch and watch you play, I hated that little man and cried so many tears over it when you were asleep, all I wanted was to be able to play with you, run around with you and make sure you knew that I loved you, instead morning sickness left me almost bedridden and vomiting so many times a day that I had nothing left inside. Just as the morning sickness let up we had a massive scare when the hospital told us that the baby I am carrying was at high risk for down syndrome. That threw our world into a spin and I had to have more tests that have means for the next few weeks I'm not allowed to lift you up and I have to be very careful when we are playing but at least now I can play and interact with you more my beautiful boy. The tests from e hospital have come back fine, the baby is all okay and your going to have a little sister. You have grown up so much in the last month, you are now starting to talk in sentences, can count to twenty, know your colours, most animals and some of your shapes. Daycare has told me that you are quite advanced for your age and even the three year olds are not doing half of what you are doing now. You are so clever little man and I'm so proud to be your mummy. When you look at me and say I love you mummy my heart just melts and sometimes you come out with the funniest things like telling me no problem mummy when I have just told you off for something. I am loving being your mummy and watching you grow and learn. I can't wait to see you with your little sister, to watch you grow together and watch you help her learn about the world around her, I know you are going to make an awsome big brother but you will still always be my little baby boy. I love you always Mummy

A big piece of news

My beautiful little man, Everyday you grow bigger and smarter, every day you surprise us with new words and now sentences as well. Watching you develop from the tiny little weird looking alien while I was pregnant with you to my beautiful smart toddler has been the best three years of my life and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching you grow and mature. I have big news beautiful boy and I worry about how it's going to effect you, sorry that your going to grow up resenting me or thinking that you were not enough and that my little one could be nothing further then the truth. If you were the only child I was ever to have I could die happy and content that I had been your mother however it seems that now your not going to be the only child as we have been blessed with falling pregnant with another little one, a brother or sister for you. I can not wait to see you with your sibling and I hope that the two you love each other as much as I have loved my brother. I don't believe that in having another child my love will be halved as I think that with every child a mothers love only grows so rather then having the same amount of love to share between two, my love will grow and will double or more to be shared between you. For now though I will enjoy the time we have together just me and you before we have another little person to love and share our life with. No matter what you will always be my beautiful little man, my firstborn son and the person that taught me what love really is. Love always Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Your sick again, this time its a double ear infection and throat infection. I hate seeing you so sick, hate knowing that there is little I can do to make you better and that all I can do is hold you close, comfort you, give you your medicine and try to make you as comfortable as I can. When your sick you don't want anybody except for mummy, if anyone else touches you then you start screaming, if I leave your sight for a moment you get so upset. I knew that you weren't well when you woke up at 3am screaming but hoped that it was something minor and would better by the morning. Unfortunately you were not better by the morning and as the day continued you became more and more clingy until you woke up from your nap screaming and would only stop when in my arms in the dark bedroom. We took you straight to the doctors and sure enough it was what i suspected with an ear infection. You are now on antibiotics and are getting better but are still very clingy.

I don't mind the clinging, I don't mind it when you need your mummy because thats what my role as mummy is. I love being your mum and even on bad days I can always find something you have done that makes me smile.

Love you little man
Mummy

Another month behind us and most of the year stretching out ahead of us. This week all the activitys that I want to take you to commence again and I'm still trying to decide just which ones to do. I am thinking that we will go to mainly music at the salvation army as you love music so much that it would be good to get you back into it. I'm also thinking about a playgroup but not sure which one yet. I wanted to take you to swimming lessons but they are booked out for this term already. Given that you are in daycare two days a week while mummy studies I guess two other mornings out is enough.

Your not well today, I'm not sure exactly what's wrong but you've has a temperature all day and been very clingy as well and had little energy to do anything besides cuddle with me and watch tv. I hope that you get better soon. Nanna will be here in a week and I really don't want you to be sick for her visit.

New years eve

Dear Samuel,
It is new years eve, the end to 2011 with 2012 about to start. You and I have been through much this year my little man and you have amazed me with just how well you adapt to every new situation we have found ourselves in. I have so many hopes and dreams for us for the new year but most of all I want you to be happy, to be secure and to know that you are very loved. I want 2012 to be the best year for us, I am going to stive to create the future I want for you, a future where we are secure, happy and loved, where we don't have to struggle every day and wonder where we will find the money to pay the bills. I look at you and you make me want so much more then we have now. I want so much to give you the world but I will settle for just giving you love and security.

Happy new year my little man
Love always
Mummy.

Happy birthday

This time two years ago I was just about to meet you my beautiful little man for the first time). I don't think I ever realized just how much would change in my life by becoming a parent nor how much it would change me. Now I look back and I can't believe how much my life has changed in that two years, at times it felt like time dragged at other times it flew and I found myself wondering where time was going but every single day I've fallen more in love with you, when you smile at me, hug me, kiss me, when i hear you say love you mummy, when you do something new or even when you are sad and come running into my arms so that mummy can make the world better for you that love I've had since you were first placed into my arms has only grown stronger and deeper. You are the light of my world and have made my world such a better place.

Little man mummy's world changed the day you were born and when mummy looked in your eyes for the first time she felt a love that nothing could ever compare too.
I love you so much my beautiful boy. Happy 2nd birthday.

Dear Samuel,
It is only four more sleeps until you turn two. I can't believe how quickly time is passing, how quickly you have become a little boy who is getting more and more independent every day. It wasn't that long ago I held you in my arms for the first time and gazed into your newborn eyes, it hasn't been that long since I thought I would never get to sleep for longer then a few hours without you waking up and needing me yet here we are almost two years on and you now sleep through the night most night. So much has changed and you are growing so fast that I just wish I could pause time and enjoy you how you are for longer.

You are growing so well and learning so much. At last count you had over a hundred words with some small sentences. You have good balance and enjoy climbing and dancing, you love music, reading and drawing and like all little boys you enjoy running around, playing with balls, cars and trains and are so full of energy I am often left wondering how I can keep up with you. In the next year you will change even more, grow more and gain even more words, you will begin asking why and communicating better, you will learn to use the toilet, start dressing yourself, give up the dummy and bottle. Right now you are still my little baby in some ways but this time next year you will be all small child. What an interesting year it will be.

Always I will love you and be here for you.
forever loved
Mummy.

Today marks one year since you, daddy and I arrived in Perth. That one year has seen so many changes in our lives and since I last wrote to you here there have been still more changes.

At the begining of September nanna came over for a visit from Townsville, she arrived late on Saturday night after you had gone to bed and then when you woke up on Sunday morning there she was. At first you were a little bit shy but within half an hour you remembered here and wanted nothing to do with mum you were so busy playing with nanna. You, nanna and I were so happy to be catching up with each other but little did we know that our world would be turned upside down only a few short hours later.

Nanna had taken you for a walk to the shops and I was tidying up the house when all of a sudden I heard a noise coming from the loungeroom I had turned to walk back into the room when suddenly the ceiling crashed down right in front of me. It was scary little man and only missed me by a single step but all i could think at the moment was thank goodness you were not in the house. There was mess everywhere and the loungeroom and kitchen looked like the sort of diaster area you see on TV. Not knowing what else to do I called Grandma and Daddy who came and took you back to their place while nanna and I sorted out somewhere for us to go. In the end we moved in with the person who i had just started dating. You stayed at daddy and grandma's house for a few days while I set up your bedroom and got everything sorted for you to come home too. Nanna stayed for another ten days and you had a great time playing with her and watching the wiggles.

Time continued forward and we settled in to the house with Jeff but then after a few weeks Jeff got a letter saying that we had to move out. We were stressed for a little while but we found a house and were accepted for it on only the second application we submitted. Last week you, Jeff and I moved into our new house and I have been getting it all set up. It's a really nice place for the three of us to live and be happy in and the best news of all is that we don't have to move again for at least another year hopefully longer.

Anyway little man I should tell you more about Jeff since he is a big part of our lives now. You love Jeff and from time to time you do call him daddy, we correct you as you already have a daddy but it makes mummy so happy to see you laughing and giggling when Jeff plays with you. Jeff loves you very much to little man, he see's you as the son that he doesn't have and treats you as such in every way. As for me well I am happy and very much in love with him. i feel sad sometimes that I could not have this happiness and feelings with your father but your father and I are two very different people, although I do still love him in a way its not the way that you should love someone in a relationship but more the sort of love you have for a sibling or a close friend. I think I will always love you father in that way but it's very different from how I feel about Jeff. With you and Jeff I feel like the luckiest women in the world. I look at you and smile and feel so grateful that you are mine, you are a very special gift that your father gave to me and for that alone he will always have a special place in mummy's heart but Jeff is very different from daddy. He is older then mummy and more settled in his life, he also has a little girl of his own that he see's as often as he can.

Samuel there is one thing that I really want you to know. Love comes in many different forms and sometimes we get confused over just what type of love it is we are feeling. Sometimes people stay in relationships where they don't love somebody in the right way because they feel like they have too for their children but little man one day you will be all grown up, you will fall in and our of love and like everybody you will make mistakes too. I want you to know that if you find yourself in a situation where you think you have to stay just because it's the right thing or 'for the children' that either of those choices isn't the right choice and there is no shame at all in ending a relationship if it's not working out as long as if children are involved you strive to always have a relationship with your child and take responsability for your child. I don't doubt that you will grow up to be an honorable man who will do everything he can for his children and who will put his children first which is why I am telling you this. Sometime's even when you think you are putting your child first it is still the wrong thing to do and may just hurt them in the long run. If I had off stayed with your daddy as you grew up you would have known that something was wrong and more likely then not at the years past daddy and I would have ended up hating each other but because we realized that things were not working and made the choice to end it we are now able to stay friends and jointly raise you, we are able to discuss what we want for you and the best way to look after you and because we are both happy the life you are living is happy too. When you are grown up you will understand that if your not happy then it is hard for those around you to be happy too.

I love you little man and so many other people do too. I can't wait to see you in the morning, to see your smile and have you give me big hugs and kisses and maybe if I am lucky you will say 'i love you'

My little man, it breaks my heart to type what i must tell you as not long ago it was the last think i could have imagined. For many reasons your father and I have decided that we shouldn't be together, i don't think it is fair for us to raise you with the tension of a relationship that isnt working and that was only staying together because of you and so we have gone our separate ways. I am doing everything I can my beautiful boy to make sure you have a good relationship with daddy, to make sure you spend plenty of time with him and as you get older I will never stop you from seeing your father as despite anything that has happened between him and I it is your right to know and have a relationship with your father, i know how much you love him and I could never ever keep you away from him because of that.

For the most part little man you will be living with me, together you and I will take on the world, i will do everything I can to show you the world beautiful boy and i will always always be here loving you and ready to wrap my arms around you anytime you need me no matter how old you get.

I love you Samuel and always will.

Love
Mummy

It's raining it's poring

Dear Samuel,
It's winter here in Perth and while it's not as cold as the winter we spent in Victoria last year it has been wet the last few weeks. This last week it has rained almost every day, the only day that it was dry you were at daycare so we couldn't get out and enjoy it. The wet weather is making life difficult for us, it's hard to get to shops because we don't have a car and have to walk everywhere and without the ability to go outside or go to the park I think that you a beginning to climb the walls you are that bored. I am trying hard to keep you amused and find new things to do with you. This week we have painted, colored, baked muffins (you stirred the mix), danced, played with blocks, trains and indoor balls, blown bubbles and read the same story so many times I now know it by heart.

You are at such a fun stage right now, learning new things all the time and starting to be much more interactive with myself and other people. It's so much fun sitting down with you to play and sing songs or try to teach you new things and so rewarding when you do come out with new words or do something completely unexpected.

Hopefully the rain will stop soon and we can get back to spending lots of time outside.

I love you little man
Mummy

Untitled

Six weeks have passed since last I wrote but in that time we haven't done all that much. There were a few family birthday partys that we attended including daddys and mine, we've had a couple of play dates and been to the park but most days are very similar to the ones before.

I was watching you play last night and it really hit home that you are not my little baby anymore, sometime in the last six months you have grown into a little boy doing little boy things like playing with cars and trains, throwing balls around and stacking blocks. I'm a little sad to no longer have my tiny little baby boy but do you know what? I love this age, you are so much fun to with and make me smile every day. No matter how bad I am feeling you will still do something that brings a smile to my face.

You are rapidly advancing with words and things you are able to do little man, every week brings new words and sounds, every week sees you trying to be that little bit more independant. You now want to walk most times when we are out rather then riding in the pram, at dinner time you feed yourself and will not let daddy or I help even with difficult foods like yogurt. I think that you have started noticing when your nappy is wet because you will suddenly pull your pants off and try to pull your nappy off, everytime you do this if I check you I find a wet or dirty nappy. I am considering buying a potty this weekend and while not starting to actively toilet train you yet I am planning on putting you on the potty a couple of times a day so that you become familar with it.

Daddy is no longer working nights so you are getting to spend time with him every afternoon and evening. Your sleep at nights is slowely getting better and we are now able to resettle you in your cot rather then having to sit up on the couch with you all night.

My lov for you little man is still growing, I can not imagine a time in my life where I will not love you, where my love will does continue to grow and get bigger. It is only through having you in my life little man that I have learnt what love really is and for that I thank you.

Love always
Mummy

My little boy,
Once again I find it's been some time since last I wrote but there's not been anything really to write about. Life continues along at a steady pace, we have settled into our home and have adjusted to daddy working full time. We have playdates, see grandma and everyone there, go shopping, play at home and just live our normal every day life. I know it sounds boring but this is reality. The majority of moments in our lives pass in doing everyday mundane things, sometimes something special happens that sets a day apart as bring different from the rest and you deal with those days as they occur but it's everyday living, doing the mundane normal everyday stuff that makes up our lives and either makes us happy or sad.

I enjoy our everyday life, I love spending time with you, playing with you and watching you grow and develop. I may not write to you as much anymore but things don't usually happen in such a noticeable way like they did when it was your first word or first step. You're still growing and learning all the time though and i get great joy out of your new things. Most recently your new things have been saying 'me please' when you want something and a lot of no, me and mine. You have also started trying to sing along to songs in your own words but still following the right tune. You do this with twinkle twinkle, big red car, ABCD, the giggle and hoot song, quake quake and the most recent happy birthday.

On my birthday you amazed us little man. Just after everybody had sung and the candle were blown out you started singing mummy happy birthday. You did it in tune and while you used your own words they sounded so very similar to the real words that we had to stop and ask everyone else there what they had heard. Even more amazing about this little man was that you had only ever heard that song a few times before and you did it so well. It was the best most special birthday present that you could have given mummy.

I love you my beautiful clever little man.

Love always
Mummy.

Again it's been a while since my last post, not because my feelings have changed - well they have but only in the way that each and every day I fall even deeper in love with you my little man. Not a day goes by that i don't look at you and think how much I love you and how happy I am that I'm your mummy at least once. It doesn't matter if we have had a rough day, it doesn't matter what else is happening on our world the only constant thing is my love for you and my desire to raise you the best that I can.

We haven't done much lately just spent a lot of time at home settling in to our new place and getting use to it being just us and daddy without other people around all the time. We've been to grandmas and Aunty becky's a couple of time and out a few times but most days are similar to the previous day. We get up, eat, play, nap, read, play, eat, nap, go for a walk or see a friend, we play in the backyard, listen to music and just recently we have started art time with drawing and painting most days.

You started at your new daycare centre this week and have settled in really well. It's much closer to home so I can drop you off later and pick you up earlier. The centre and carers are a lot better too. It was sad to say goodbye to the old daycare centre but I really like this one.

Tomorrow night we are going to the twins birthday party. They are turning three and we are giving them a toy kitchen.

Easter 2011

Little man we have had such a good ling weekend together with daddy. This weekend was Easter and so we did all the Easter things. Hot cross buns on good Friday, lots of family time ad the story of Jesus rising from the tomb on Easter Sunday. However the most fun thing we did was the Easter egg hunt.

I didn't think you were old enough for a hunt yet but you proved me wrong. When I took you outside you went straight for the pretty eggs in bright foil and ran around the backyard laughing and finding them then taking them back to your bucket. It was so much fun sharing your first Easter egg hunt with you and watching your eyes light up as you discovered there was chocolate under the foil.

You have brought me the joy of these holidays in a way I've never known. Growing up Easter was never a big thing in nanna's house, we got a few eggs, had a couple of hunts and then it was all over but this year has been different. This year seeing your joy brought me joy too and remembering why we have Easter and telling you the story of it brought meaning to it. Instead of just a few days off spent at home eating chocolate it was special occasion and I hope that every year we can make it special.