Happy 4th Birthday

It has been a long long time since i last wrote to you my little man and for that I am sorry.

You have grown so much in the last year. A year ago you were still very much a toddler and while you could express yourself and talk the language you chose to you was typical for that age quite simple and basic. Over the past year I have seen your language skills take off and now I absolutely love the long conversations we have, in the four year old evaluation you had a week ago you scored off the charts for your communication and problem solving skills.

I see these skills in you on a daily basis from working out how to get something off the top shelf to putting a puzzle together or finding the answer to a complicated question. We have just started to teach you how to do basic maths starting with subtraction as we have counted down to Christmas and you are picking this skill up so quickly. I am so proud to be your mother and I really hope that you develop a life long love of learning and that your math skills are always this strong. Mathematics wasn't a strong subject for me at school and even now all these years on I struggle with even some of the more basic concepts.

You are now no longer a toddler but have developed into a handsome little boy who is about to start kindergarten. I look at you and I wonder where the tiny baby i held in my arms only four short years ago has disappeared to and am so grateful that I have been able to stay at home with you in this time. When you were born my entire world changed and for the first time I really knew what it was to love someone so much that you would give your life for them. You are my sunshine little man and make me so very happy.

No more daycare

My little man,
It is far too long since I last wrote to you, somehow as the days flow by with you and your sister I lose track of the time and before I know it weeks have gone by. Easter has come and gone and this year you got your first easter egg all to yourself that mummy didn't later steal away. You loved it and now ask every day for an easter egg.

Since Abigail was born we have had a lot of issues getting you to go to daycare, you cry and scream and beg to be allowed to stay at home and to be honest every time I have dropped you off I have felt guilty and felt like what I was doing was so against my instincts that I have come home and cried. On friday we had another round of this and instead of forcing it I gave up, pulled you on to my lap and told you that you could stay home. I held you close and told you that I was sorry i kept sending you away and that from now on you could stay home with Abigail and I, at least until it's time to go to kinder. I'm not sure you understood what I was saying my little man so let me say it again here now.

I am sorry that for so long I have sent you away from me for two days a week, I'm sorry that I didn't keep you at home and do the things that you do at daycare here at home. I'm sorry I listened to other people tell me that you needed to be socialised and stimulated and that only daycare could give you that. I now know that at your age thats far from what you need, that what you need is a nice secure home base where you feel safe, loved and wanted and that is what I am going to give you now and do everything i can to make up for sending you away from me so often.

From the middle of this year we are going to start Kinder however I am going to homeschool you for kinder so that you will still be at home with Abigail and I. I look forward to fun we are going to have together, of teaching you myself and watching you learn and grow, of seeing you flourish and become the best you can be. Until July I am spending the time collecting the materials we will need and just enjoying being with you.

I Love you little man and can not wait to spend more time with you.

Love
Mummy

The terrible threes

My beautiful little man,
Every day I look at you and you seem so grown up already, no longer a toddler you are well and truly a little boy, you speak in sentences, most of the time getting across to us exactly what you are wanting to say or do, you are very affectionate and love cuddles and giving us kisses. You games have taken on a new angle too with you using your trains to tell stories rather then just lining them all up or pushing them around the track like you use too. You play with dinosaurs, your teddy bears and doll, the little people and anything else you can find. You are very creative and love drawing and painting as well as music of all sorts, often you will pick up a stick and pretend you are banging on a drum or blowing on a trumpet with it and you often use your imagination to play games with all your toys.

When  I look at you i'm not quite sure when you stopped being a toddler and became a little boy but I think it happened sometime around the birth of your little sister. You are so good with Abigail always wanting to kiss and cuddle her and always asking if she can play with you. I find myself feeling guilty quite often at the moment a lot of the day is taken up looking after Abigail and I don't get to play with you anywhere near as much as I would like too, I know this makes you sad, you often ask me to play with you or for cuddles and it breaks my heart when I have my hands full with Abigail and can not just drop everything to play with you like I use too. You have gotten a lot closer to Jeff recently as he plays with you a lot of the time that I am busy with Abigail, i love seeing you and Jeff together but that makes me sad too as I feel I should be the one doing those things with you.

Life isn't easy at the moment, you have hit the terrible threes and to be honest it is very much testing my patients. You throw tantrum after tantrum and your favourite words are I want and NOW! You whinge all the time when you don't get your own way and scream and yell at me over and over again about what ever it is you are wanting. Some days you have even gone so far as to hit and bite Jeff and I. It's not good little man and to be honest I really don't know how to deal with it. I don't believe in smacking but some days you make me so angry that I have just had to walk away before I snap. Time out doesn't work for you and I really don't know what to do anymore, all I know is I have to figure something out before your behaviour gets even more out of control and harder to fix.

I know this behaviour is normal for a three year old and I know some of it is coming from you adjusting to having to share me with Abigail as well as a result of how long you were away from me while I was in hospital when she was born. Going to your fathers every weekend doesn't help as it's just more time away when really you need to be at home close to me reaffirming that you are important to us and knowing that you are loved, being sent away every weekend is doing nothing to help you feel settled.

I love you little man and I promise that things will get better, as Abigail gets a little bit older it will be easier to play with you and she will even start playing with us. We will figure out how to make you feel safe and secure and when that is figured out I know the tantrums won't be as frequent.

Love always
mummu

My beautiful little boy, where does the time go? I look at you and I see a little boy, not so much a toddler anymore but growing, learning and changing day by day. Where did the tiny baby I held in my arms for the first time all those months past go? I love seeing you discover the world, learn new things and do new things, I remember when I celebrated every new word you said and now words are becoming longer and longer sentences and you understand so much more now that we even have conversations. You get so excited about so many things and I love seeing the joy on your face when you first see me in the morning or when I pick you up from dads. I love hearing the happiness in your voice when you say mummy or tell me that you love me. You make me smile with so many of the things you do every day. Watching you play with your trains and spaceship, ride your trike, chase the dog or kick a ball is teaching me about a world that I forgot existed, a world where for a time we live in that moment and not focus on what has been or what is to come I love you so much my beautiful little boy and I'm so proud to be your mother, to honoured that I can watch you grow and slowly help guide you in life to the man you will one day be. We took you to the zoo for the first time this week and you loved it. You loved looking at all the animals and a lot of them had babies that you were so excited to see. Your favourite animal was the sun bears and you also liked the zebra and owls. You saw two zebras standing together and made us laugh when you pointed at them and told us that they were daddy and grandma, later when you saw a monkey with its baby you tried to tell me that the baby monkey was the baby that is in my womb now. In roughly nine weeks your little sister will be born and I worry every day about how this change will impact you. I wonder what what sort of brother you will be and I hope that you will love her and be her friend as the two of your grow up together. I feel so much guilt over turning your life upside down, you didn't ask for this and you have no idea yet how much life for all of us is going to change once she is born. I hope that you never wonder if mummy still loves you, hope that you don't feel like we are trying to replace you. I am going to strive to be the best mummy I can and never ever leave you wondering if I love you. I can't wait until you come home from daddy's tomorrow, I miss your hugs and smile when you are not here with me. Love always Mummy

Dear Samuel, What a topsy turvy few months we have had my little man. Mummy was so sick for months that I wasn't able to do much more then sit on the couch and watch you play, I hated that little man and cried so many tears over it when you were asleep, all I wanted was to be able to play with you, run around with you and make sure you knew that I loved you, instead morning sickness left me almost bedridden and vomiting so many times a day that I had nothing left inside. Just as the morning sickness let up we had a massive scare when the hospital told us that the baby I am carrying was at high risk for down syndrome. That threw our world into a spin and I had to have more tests that have means for the next few weeks I'm not allowed to lift you up and I have to be very careful when we are playing but at least now I can play and interact with you more my beautiful boy. The tests from e hospital have come back fine, the baby is all okay and your going to have a little sister. You have grown up so much in the last month, you are now starting to talk in sentences, can count to twenty, know your colours, most animals and some of your shapes. Daycare has told me that you are quite advanced for your age and even the three year olds are not doing half of what you are doing now. You are so clever little man and I'm so proud to be your mummy. When you look at me and say I love you mummy my heart just melts and sometimes you come out with the funniest things like telling me no problem mummy when I have just told you off for something. I am loving being your mummy and watching you grow and learn. I can't wait to see you with your little sister, to watch you grow together and watch you help her learn about the world around her, I know you are going to make an awsome big brother but you will still always be my little baby boy. I love you always Mummy

A big piece of news

My beautiful little man, Everyday you grow bigger and smarter, every day you surprise us with new words and now sentences as well. Watching you develop from the tiny little weird looking alien while I was pregnant with you to my beautiful smart toddler has been the best three years of my life and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life watching you grow and mature. I have big news beautiful boy and I worry about how it's going to effect you, sorry that your going to grow up resenting me or thinking that you were not enough and that my little one could be nothing further then the truth. If you were the only child I was ever to have I could die happy and content that I had been your mother however it seems that now your not going to be the only child as we have been blessed with falling pregnant with another little one, a brother or sister for you. I can not wait to see you with your sibling and I hope that the two you love each other as much as I have loved my brother. I don't believe that in having another child my love will be halved as I think that with every child a mothers love only grows so rather then having the same amount of love to share between two, my love will grow and will double or more to be shared between you. For now though I will enjoy the time we have together just me and you before we have another little person to love and share our life with. No matter what you will always be my beautiful little man, my firstborn son and the person that taught me what love really is. Love always Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Your sick again, this time its a double ear infection and throat infection. I hate seeing you so sick, hate knowing that there is little I can do to make you better and that all I can do is hold you close, comfort you, give you your medicine and try to make you as comfortable as I can. When your sick you don't want anybody except for mummy, if anyone else touches you then you start screaming, if I leave your sight for a moment you get so upset. I knew that you weren't well when you woke up at 3am screaming but hoped that it was something minor and would better by the morning. Unfortunately you were not better by the morning and as the day continued you became more and more clingy until you woke up from your nap screaming and would only stop when in my arms in the dark bedroom. We took you straight to the doctors and sure enough it was what i suspected with an ear infection. You are now on antibiotics and are getting better but are still very clingy.

I don't mind the clinging, I don't mind it when you need your mummy because thats what my role as mummy is. I love being your mum and even on bad days I can always find something you have done that makes me smile.

Love you little man
Mummy

Another month behind us and most of the year stretching out ahead of us. This week all the activitys that I want to take you to commence again and I'm still trying to decide just which ones to do. I am thinking that we will go to mainly music at the salvation army as you love music so much that it would be good to get you back into it. I'm also thinking about a playgroup but not sure which one yet. I wanted to take you to swimming lessons but they are booked out for this term already. Given that you are in daycare two days a week while mummy studies I guess two other mornings out is enough.

Your not well today, I'm not sure exactly what's wrong but you've has a temperature all day and been very clingy as well and had little energy to do anything besides cuddle with me and watch tv. I hope that you get better soon. Nanna will be here in a week and I really don't want you to be sick for her visit.

New years eve

Dear Samuel,
It is new years eve, the end to 2011 with 2012 about to start. You and I have been through much this year my little man and you have amazed me with just how well you adapt to every new situation we have found ourselves in. I have so many hopes and dreams for us for the new year but most of all I want you to be happy, to be secure and to know that you are very loved. I want 2012 to be the best year for us, I am going to stive to create the future I want for you, a future where we are secure, happy and loved, where we don't have to struggle every day and wonder where we will find the money to pay the bills. I look at you and you make me want so much more then we have now. I want so much to give you the world but I will settle for just giving you love and security.

Happy new year my little man
Love always
Mummy.

Happy birthday

This time two years ago I was just about to meet you my beautiful little man for the first time). I don't think I ever realized just how much would change in my life by becoming a parent nor how much it would change me. Now I look back and I can't believe how much my life has changed in that two years, at times it felt like time dragged at other times it flew and I found myself wondering where time was going but every single day I've fallen more in love with you, when you smile at me, hug me, kiss me, when i hear you say love you mummy, when you do something new or even when you are sad and come running into my arms so that mummy can make the world better for you that love I've had since you were first placed into my arms has only grown stronger and deeper. You are the light of my world and have made my world such a better place.

Little man mummy's world changed the day you were born and when mummy looked in your eyes for the first time she felt a love that nothing could ever compare too.
I love you so much my beautiful boy. Happy 2nd birthday.

Dear Samuel,
It is only four more sleeps until you turn two. I can't believe how quickly time is passing, how quickly you have become a little boy who is getting more and more independent every day. It wasn't that long ago I held you in my arms for the first time and gazed into your newborn eyes, it hasn't been that long since I thought I would never get to sleep for longer then a few hours without you waking up and needing me yet here we are almost two years on and you now sleep through the night most night. So much has changed and you are growing so fast that I just wish I could pause time and enjoy you how you are for longer.

You are growing so well and learning so much. At last count you had over a hundred words with some small sentences. You have good balance and enjoy climbing and dancing, you love music, reading and drawing and like all little boys you enjoy running around, playing with balls, cars and trains and are so full of energy I am often left wondering how I can keep up with you. In the next year you will change even more, grow more and gain even more words, you will begin asking why and communicating better, you will learn to use the toilet, start dressing yourself, give up the dummy and bottle. Right now you are still my little baby in some ways but this time next year you will be all small child. What an interesting year it will be.

Always I will love you and be here for you.
forever loved
Mummy.

Today marks one year since you, daddy and I arrived in Perth. That one year has seen so many changes in our lives and since I last wrote to you here there have been still more changes.

At the begining of September nanna came over for a visit from Townsville, she arrived late on Saturday night after you had gone to bed and then when you woke up on Sunday morning there she was. At first you were a little bit shy but within half an hour you remembered here and wanted nothing to do with mum you were so busy playing with nanna. You, nanna and I were so happy to be catching up with each other but little did we know that our world would be turned upside down only a few short hours later.

Nanna had taken you for a walk to the shops and I was tidying up the house when all of a sudden I heard a noise coming from the loungeroom I had turned to walk back into the room when suddenly the ceiling crashed down right in front of me. It was scary little man and only missed me by a single step but all i could think at the moment was thank goodness you were not in the house. There was mess everywhere and the loungeroom and kitchen looked like the sort of diaster area you see on TV. Not knowing what else to do I called Grandma and Daddy who came and took you back to their place while nanna and I sorted out somewhere for us to go. In the end we moved in with the person who i had just started dating. You stayed at daddy and grandma's house for a few days while I set up your bedroom and got everything sorted for you to come home too. Nanna stayed for another ten days and you had a great time playing with her and watching the wiggles.

Time continued forward and we settled in to the house with Jeff but then after a few weeks Jeff got a letter saying that we had to move out. We were stressed for a little while but we found a house and were accepted for it on only the second application we submitted. Last week you, Jeff and I moved into our new house and I have been getting it all set up. It's a really nice place for the three of us to live and be happy in and the best news of all is that we don't have to move again for at least another year hopefully longer.

Anyway little man I should tell you more about Jeff since he is a big part of our lives now. You love Jeff and from time to time you do call him daddy, we correct you as you already have a daddy but it makes mummy so happy to see you laughing and giggling when Jeff plays with you. Jeff loves you very much to little man, he see's you as the son that he doesn't have and treats you as such in every way. As for me well I am happy and very much in love with him. i feel sad sometimes that I could not have this happiness and feelings with your father but your father and I are two very different people, although I do still love him in a way its not the way that you should love someone in a relationship but more the sort of love you have for a sibling or a close friend. I think I will always love you father in that way but it's very different from how I feel about Jeff. With you and Jeff I feel like the luckiest women in the world. I look at you and smile and feel so grateful that you are mine, you are a very special gift that your father gave to me and for that alone he will always have a special place in mummy's heart but Jeff is very different from daddy. He is older then mummy and more settled in his life, he also has a little girl of his own that he see's as often as he can.

Samuel there is one thing that I really want you to know. Love comes in many different forms and sometimes we get confused over just what type of love it is we are feeling. Sometimes people stay in relationships where they don't love somebody in the right way because they feel like they have too for their children but little man one day you will be all grown up, you will fall in and our of love and like everybody you will make mistakes too. I want you to know that if you find yourself in a situation where you think you have to stay just because it's the right thing or 'for the children' that either of those choices isn't the right choice and there is no shame at all in ending a relationship if it's not working out as long as if children are involved you strive to always have a relationship with your child and take responsability for your child. I don't doubt that you will grow up to be an honorable man who will do everything he can for his children and who will put his children first which is why I am telling you this. Sometime's even when you think you are putting your child first it is still the wrong thing to do and may just hurt them in the long run. If I had off stayed with your daddy as you grew up you would have known that something was wrong and more likely then not at the years past daddy and I would have ended up hating each other but because we realized that things were not working and made the choice to end it we are now able to stay friends and jointly raise you, we are able to discuss what we want for you and the best way to look after you and because we are both happy the life you are living is happy too. When you are grown up you will understand that if your not happy then it is hard for those around you to be happy too.

I love you little man and so many other people do too. I can't wait to see you in the morning, to see your smile and have you give me big hugs and kisses and maybe if I am lucky you will say 'i love you'

My little man, it breaks my heart to type what i must tell you as not long ago it was the last think i could have imagined. For many reasons your father and I have decided that we shouldn't be together, i don't think it is fair for us to raise you with the tension of a relationship that isnt working and that was only staying together because of you and so we have gone our separate ways. I am doing everything I can my beautiful boy to make sure you have a good relationship with daddy, to make sure you spend plenty of time with him and as you get older I will never stop you from seeing your father as despite anything that has happened between him and I it is your right to know and have a relationship with your father, i know how much you love him and I could never ever keep you away from him because of that.

For the most part little man you will be living with me, together you and I will take on the world, i will do everything I can to show you the world beautiful boy and i will always always be here loving you and ready to wrap my arms around you anytime you need me no matter how old you get.

I love you Samuel and always will.

Love
Mummy

It's raining it's poring

Dear Samuel,
It's winter here in Perth and while it's not as cold as the winter we spent in Victoria last year it has been wet the last few weeks. This last week it has rained almost every day, the only day that it was dry you were at daycare so we couldn't get out and enjoy it. The wet weather is making life difficult for us, it's hard to get to shops because we don't have a car and have to walk everywhere and without the ability to go outside or go to the park I think that you a beginning to climb the walls you are that bored. I am trying hard to keep you amused and find new things to do with you. This week we have painted, colored, baked muffins (you stirred the mix), danced, played with blocks, trains and indoor balls, blown bubbles and read the same story so many times I now know it by heart.

You are at such a fun stage right now, learning new things all the time and starting to be much more interactive with myself and other people. It's so much fun sitting down with you to play and sing songs or try to teach you new things and so rewarding when you do come out with new words or do something completely unexpected.

Hopefully the rain will stop soon and we can get back to spending lots of time outside.

I love you little man
Mummy

Untitled

Six weeks have passed since last I wrote but in that time we haven't done all that much. There were a few family birthday partys that we attended including daddys and mine, we've had a couple of play dates and been to the park but most days are very similar to the ones before.

I was watching you play last night and it really hit home that you are not my little baby anymore, sometime in the last six months you have grown into a little boy doing little boy things like playing with cars and trains, throwing balls around and stacking blocks. I'm a little sad to no longer have my tiny little baby boy but do you know what? I love this age, you are so much fun to with and make me smile every day. No matter how bad I am feeling you will still do something that brings a smile to my face.

You are rapidly advancing with words and things you are able to do little man, every week brings new words and sounds, every week sees you trying to be that little bit more independant. You now want to walk most times when we are out rather then riding in the pram, at dinner time you feed yourself and will not let daddy or I help even with difficult foods like yogurt. I think that you have started noticing when your nappy is wet because you will suddenly pull your pants off and try to pull your nappy off, everytime you do this if I check you I find a wet or dirty nappy. I am considering buying a potty this weekend and while not starting to actively toilet train you yet I am planning on putting you on the potty a couple of times a day so that you become familar with it.

Daddy is no longer working nights so you are getting to spend time with him every afternoon and evening. Your sleep at nights is slowely getting better and we are now able to resettle you in your cot rather then having to sit up on the couch with you all night.

My lov for you little man is still growing, I can not imagine a time in my life where I will not love you, where my love will does continue to grow and get bigger. It is only through having you in my life little man that I have learnt what love really is and for that I thank you.

Love always
Mummy