My little man you are so beautiful, everyone seems to fall in love
with you the moment they lay eyes on you and want to cuddle you and
talk to you. Your so young and already charming the ladies.

We haven't done much the last few days, a little shopping, a little
swimming which you love, a walk through the Sunday markets where nana
spoilt you and a nice walk along the strand.

Townsville is a beautiful place with a gorgeous beach, views to
magnetic island and a backdrop of castle hill. It is a city where even
in the heart of the city you can still feel the power of nature coming
from the beach and castle hill standing over it all like some sort of
immobile guard. It is hot and humid here but still I like it here. I
don't think I would be happy to live here but as a place to visit it's
a nice retreat away from our normal life. One day when you are older I
will bring you here.

Something has been playing on my mind today little man. I have been
feeling guilty that I stopped expressing a month ago and that had led
me to wonder if I gave up trying to breastfeed too soon as well. It's
stupid thinking these things, I know I did everything I could but I
can't help but wonder what if? I wonder if I really did everything I
could yet I know I tried everything. I wanted to breadtfeed so badly,
wanted to give you the best start to life and I can't help but feel
like my best wasn't good enough.

Enough from me now my beautiful boy, it's time I sleep before you wake
for another feed. I love you beautiful.

Mummy.

Dear Samuel,

You are four months old today! My how time has flown, before I know it you are going to be fully grown and moving out of home to start your own family.

A year ago today I saw you on the moniter for the first time. You were just a tiny little blob and didn't lool like much of anything but that little blob had everything it needed to grow a full beautiful human being. A year on and your here in our lives making our world a much better and happier place. Life has changed so much in a year and I would never even want to go back to what it was before you. The day I first saw you on a moniter was one of the happiest days of my life. To know that I was carrying a baby and that you had implanted perfectly and that I was going to be a mum was an amazing feeling.

We are still on holidays at nannas at the moment and will be here for another two weeks. We haven't done much here, just taking it easy and relaxing. Yesterday you had your first ever trip to the beach. You kept gazing out over the water and were such a happy baby. I have a beautiful photo of you lying on your tummy on the grass looking up at me. I have done some shopping while we have been up here and have bought you some clothes and a few other bits and pieces.

Today you had another first, you found your feet! You started trying to pull your toes off and cracked it when they wouldn't come off, it was so funny little man and you are so cute playing with your hands and feet all the time, it wont be long before those little hands are playing with toys and those little feet are running around as fast as they can go. I look forward to watching you grow up little man and watching you become the man you will be one day in the future. I reall hope that i get it right and that you grow up well adjusted and with the confidance to beleive in your dreams.

Tuesday 20th April

My beautiful baby boy,

Today marks one year since the doctor told me that I didn't have a tummy bug and that I was pregnant. What an amazing year it has been, from feeling you getting bigger inside of me and week to week following what was devloping and growing now to giving birth to you and then for the last four months watching you grow and discover new things all the time. I love you so much little man.

You have been so good the past two days, full of smiles and giggles
and cooing and gaaing all the time. Everybody that meets you thinks
that you are beautiful, smart and completly georgeous. It seems
everybody falls in love with you the moment they meet you. I love
watching you interact with people, always so taken with new faces and
new places. It makes me smile to see you already trying to interact
with and explore your world.

Yesterday you decided it was time for a new trick and so when I was
giving you tummy time you decided you had enough of that and suddenly
you flipped yourself over on to your back then you lay there grinning
up at me so proud of your new trick. I know that you could tell that
mummy was so proud of you because not long after you decided it was
time to roll from your back to your tummy. You are so clever little
man, now that you have rolled over I know that it won't be long until
you start crawling and then walking.

Today we spent some of the morning meeting up with some people mummy
had been talking to on the computer. We went to a playcentre and while
their children played you showed the girls how strong you are in tummy
time. After we finished at the play centre we looked at baby clothes
in a nice shop and I bought you a new top and some cute shoes. This
afternoon you were exhausted from your busy morning and slept from two
to four thirty. I was going to take you for a swim but by the time you
woke up it had cooled too much for you so instead we had our first
bath together.

Tomorrow we will be taking your first trip to the beach and if it's
warm enough we will go for a swim in the rock pools.

I love you little man
Mummy.

Townsville

Dear Samuel,
You and I are on our first holiday. We spent most of today travelling
and at last arrived in Townsville to see nanna. You have been so good
today, on the car ride you slept most of the way only waking for a
bottle and some fun with daddy. At the airport you loved looking
around at all the new sights and all the new people and then we got
had to say goodbye to daddy and get on the plane. It was sad for me to
say goodbye to dad, I hate being away from him and I know he hates
being away from us. The plane ride was a little bumpy, we had a nice
man sitting next to us who helped me entertain you and keep you happy
but despite that you were a little cranky as it was way past your
bedtime, you slept on and off throughout the whole trip and only had
one or two times when you cried. After what felt like forever we got
to Townsville and nanna was waiting, she took you out of my arms and
has given you so many hugs and kisses.

It's going to be hard being away from dad but hopefully will have a
good time anyway. Daddy already misses us he cried when the plane took
off because he won't have us for the next little while.

Tonight you are sleeping in nannas room, it's weird for me going to
bed without you near by and right now I am thinking of coming and
kidnapping you away from nanna to bring back into bed with me.

Dear Samuel,

While you have still been a little unsettled on and off recently your sleep is getting so much better. You now sleep during the day on your own instead of only sleeping in my arms. I can usualy get you to sleep from 8.30 - 9.30 then 11am - 1pm and sometimes if I am lucky you will also do another hour or so in the afternoon around 3pm. You are going to bed most nights by around 7.00pm and are sleeping until anywhere from 10pm - 2am before waking for a feed. Most mornings you wake at around 5am for another feed and then come into bed with me and dad, unless you have come to bed with us earlier.

Since you started sleeping better so much has changed for us, when you are awake you are a much happier baby and are often content to play on your mat or in your swing as well as giving me lots of smiles and gooing at me all the time. Your smiles are so beautiful little man, they really light up my world. I love watching you watch the world around you, it is a beautiful thing to see you taking interest in what is happening and as I try to get down on your level and try to see things from the way I imagine you must see things I feel as though I am discovering the world for the first time. Too see you take great joy in banging your rattle around or touching the cats makes me smile and when you laugh I can't help but laugh with you.

This week you have become even more interactive, when I talk to you you coo back at me, when you come to bed with me you try to stroke my forhead in the way i stroke yours when I am putting you to sleep at night, its so beautiful almost like you are trying to put me to sleep. You have started giggling when I play peek a boo with you and when I sing silly songs with you. You love looking at peoples faces and when we go and see our friends you love looking at their baby, it won't be so long little man before you and her are playing together and I can't wait to see you playing and interacting with the other children around you.

Since you started on the new formula you have been so much better, you vomit less and seem to be in less pain, you don't seem to mind the formula too much or rather you tolerate it just like you did the ones we used before this. I don't think you like it so much though as you keep trying to push the bottle away and then not long later start crying because you are hungry. I can not wait until you get to six months old and I can start giving you solid foods, I can't wait to see you play with the food and discover new tastes.

Over Easter we let someone else babysit you for the first time. It was so scary for me little man to let somebody that wasn't me, daddy or nanna look after you but by all accounts you had a wonderful time. I couldn't wait to get you home that day and all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms once you got home but I couldn't because it was bedtime, I ended up making up for it though by bringing you in to bed with me a fair bit earlier then I usualy do.

Right now we are preparing for your first hoilday. On Sunday we are off to Townsville to visit nanna. I'm excited but also scared about flying with you but I know that we will manage it and it will be good for you to see nanna again.

I love you little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

Today we have had a rough day but no matter how rough the day is going, no matter how tired I am or hard I am finding it to cope the moment you smile at me the world seems a better place. Your smile feels me with such happiness and joy and makes all the trials we go through somehow seem worth it. You are so special to me little boy, you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, you are the reason that I strive to complete my university degree as once I do I will be able to work a good job and have enough money to give you a good life. Because of you I strive to be a better person, because of you there is joy in my life, because of you I have learnt how to be flexable, because of you I have learnt how to love unconditionaly and be loved unconditionaly, because of you my life is better now then it has ever been before. Between your father and you I have found so much joy, so much love and so much contentness. When the days are rough and the nights are long I try to remind myself of this.

We think that you are teething at the moment, your gum feels rough, you have be irritable, you have been sleeping badly, eating badly and just not yourself. It seems early for you to be teething but I have been assured by quite a few people that it is possiable for it to start happening this early and that it might still be another month or so before the tooth will cut through. You are learning new things all the time and I love to watch you looking around your world so interested in everything that you can see. You are now holding your head up on your own fairly well and for quite a good length of time before you get tired, you are also almost sitting up on your own we only really need to steady you otherwise you fall sideways.

Last weekend we went to Melbourne too see Teena. You were so much
better this trip then the previous one. You slept in the ergo carrier
all the way from Morwell to Melbourne and then were quite happy in
your pram as we looked around the shops. It was only as afternoon
turned into evening that you got grizzly and that was only because you
were so tired little man. Teena was so happy to see you and gave you
lots of cuddles, you happily cooed at her and made her laugh with your
adorable little giggle. Teena, another friend of hers and I were all
getting ready to go out but you proved to be a distraction little man,
because we were busy playing with you we ended up being two hours late
going out but it doesn't matter because you are worth it. Friday night
you slept so well at teena's and snuggled in beside me like usual. We
headed home Saturday evening after looking around the shops and you
were so exhausted that you went straight to bed when we got home.

On Sunday we had a busy day we had lunch at a friends house and then
you, daddy and I went to your three month photo shoot. You were so
good for the photographer and lasted a whole hour and a half before
you had enough. I can't wait to see the photos as I know there are
going to be some beautiful ones there.

This week we haven't done much, a friend of mine has visited a couple
of times and we went shopping once but that's about it. This week I
have been focusing on you and trying to teach you to sleep better
during the day. It's been so hard little man as I have needed to leave
you to cry for two minutes and even hearing you cry for that short
amount of time breaks my heart. I hate hearing you cry even when I
know your just complaining and not even really upset it's hard all I
want to do is pick you up and hold you close to me and that's exactly
what I do as soon as I know you are really upset or after a couple of
minutes. I come back to you, pick you up, hold you close and tell you
how much I love you. Remember little man I will always be there for
you when you are upset, I will never leave you to cry on your own when
you are really upset because I love you and want you to know how loved
you are.

Your voice seems to have changed in the last few days and I don't know
if it's normal because you are getting a little older or if you are
not feeling well. You are not drinking much either so I suspect that
you may have a sore throat, I hate seeing you unwell, and I know
something is wrong because you have been very grizzly and clingy.

It's been a little while since I last wrote to you little man, not
because of anything you have done but because I have not been very
well. We have had a fairly big week this past week and you have
handled it quite well.

Instead of being at home day in day out a friend took the two of us
shopping. You loved riding in the infant seat on her stroller up high
where you could see everything and be facing me, I wish we had a
stroller like that for you. That was last Monday. On Tuesday I had to
go to the dentist so my friend stef watched you while i was there. It
was the first time I had left you with anybody else and was quite a
scary thing for me to do but you were so good for stef.

On Thursday we had an appointment with the paedtrician and at last we
have the reason why you have been so unwell. You have cows milk
protein allergy, lactose and soy intollerance. Now that we know what
is wrong we can do something to fix it.

Dear Samuel,
Today you are 12 weeks old. I can not beleive how quickly that time
has gone or how quickly you are changing. Sometimes I look at you and
I can see the child/teenager/adult that you are going to become and
while I hope that life treats you well and leads you down nice paths I
am not in any hurry for you to grow up. I think that no matter what
happens you will always be my baby boy and no matter how big you get I
will never forget the tiny newborn I held in my arms 12 weeks ago.

You have been better this week, your temp has gone and the bad nappy
rash is almost healed. Yesterday we went and saw the paedtrician about
your feeding issues and he beleives that you are intollerent to either
lactose or the proteins in cows milk. We have a new formula to try and
will go and see the doctor again next week to evaluate how you are
going. I really hope this works as I hate seeing you in pain and
vomiting after every feed.

Daddy and I have been discussing your school future this week. We both
want the best for you but until you are a little older we don't know
what education system will suit you. At the moment we are thinking of
sending you to a private school that has fantastic facilitys and a lot
of extra currilica activitys that you can take part in. We don't know
if private is the way to go but are looking into it to put your name
down just in case.

This week you have two new tricks. You can now roll fro
your side to your back andyour side to your stomach. As well as that
you have got really good at grasping an object and holding on to it.
You love the rattle we bought you and have been shaking it around like
mad and then getting upset when you drop it.

My little man,
Words can not even begin to describe how happy you made me today. You
were having an unsettled day where nothing was calming you for longer
then a few moments and so after trying everything else I decided to
try offering you a feed from me. To my complete amazement and
overwhelming joy you took it and quite happily fed for a good ten
minutes. I was so surprised that it worked after not putting you near
the breast in five weeks that I called to dad so that he could see as
well. I sat there with you nursing and tears of joy running down my
face content with the knowledge that it may have only worked this once
but that you wanted me and that I was boosting your immune system in
those precious moments together. Words can not begin to express the
love I have for you, a love that grows stronger day by day, week by
week. I don't think my love for you will ever stop growing and I hope
that as you grow up I am always able to make you feel loved and
supported.

Sweet dreams little man
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
Another week gone by and you are now 11 weeks old. 11 weeks with you
in my life and it's almost as though my life only began when yours
did. The time before you were here seems like a lifetime ago and a
world away from where I am today and it's a world that I am more then
happy to leave behind. I know I tell you and write this often but you
really do make me so very happy. Your smile lights up my day and makes
everything in my world seem so much brighter. I love the mornings when
I wake up with you beside me and I look down at you to find that your
already awake and smiling at me. It doesn't matter how little sleep I
may have had or how I am feeling your smile makes everything okay.

You have been unwell this week with what the doctor thinks is just an
infection so you are taking antibiotics and panadol to help keep your
fever down. You being unwell is scary for me as I feel so helpless and
know there is nothing else I can do to help you. Hopefully it won't be
long before you are better and back to your normal self.

Dearest baby boy,

You haven't been well this weekend, you've had a mild fever, a rash on
your face, stomach and nappy area and have been quite restless, your
reflux over the weekend has also been quite bad. It's frustrating for
daddy and I when your not well. Not because we are frustrated with you
but we get frustrated that there is only so much we can do to try and
make you feel better and when we have done everything in our power and
you are still unwell it makes us sad.

Honey you mean the world to me, you have given me a reason to live and
are my motivation to do everything I can to better myself and give you
the best that I can. There is so much that I want for you, so much I
want to teach you, to show you and experiences I can't wait to share
with you. You, daddy and I are going to see the world, to learn about
other cultures, to experience other ways of life. My goal is to take
you to visit all seven continents on earth. Never ever doubt that I
love you, even if you can not see me my love will be with you always.

Mummy.

My sweet little boy,
Today has been an up and down day. This morning you were so good, you
slept well and even had a nap in your bassinet. You fed well and were
happy and full of smiles, you even stopped sucking on your bottle to
look in to my eyes and grin at me. I held you on my lap and we talked
about going to visit nanna in a few weeks time. You were so happy and
cooed back at me. This evening something changed and you got really
upset, you cried and cried and nothing seemed to make it better. You
were full, you had a clean nappy and I was holding you close, rocking
you gently and talking to you softly but nothing made it better.
Eventually you fell asleep in my arms but woke again when we tried to
put you to bed. You fell asleep with daddy in the end but fell into
such a deep sleep that I became worried because nothing was waking
you. Then just as I gave you a kiss and said good night you opened
your eyes for a moment, looked at me and smiled then closed them again
and I knew you were okay. Being a mum isn't easy, I have never known
such overwhelming love combined with such fear and paranoia that
something will go wrong. It is so hard to sleep some nights because
all I want to do is sit up and watch you breathing so that I know you
are okay.

On the weekend we had a BBQ to celebrate you being here with us. A few
of our friends came and we had a nice evening with good food and good
company. Everybody loves you and everybody wanted to hold you. You
delighted all your guests with a beautiful smile and a delightful
giggle. Uncle Andrew's girlfriend was so happy that she could make you
giggle. The daughter of one of our friends was quite taken with you
and kept giving you hugs and kisses all night. So at only nine weeks
old you had your first BBQ and it was a success, well done little man.

You have learnt a new trick in the last two days, you can now roll
from your side to your back and from your back to your side. It won't
be long before you can roll all the way over. You are getting stronger
at tummy time too and can now hold your head up for quite a while
before you are tired and have had enough.

I love you my sweet boy
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

This week you have been very up and down, sometimes happy and settling well for sleep and other times screaming and not calming down regardless of what we do. Its hard very hard when you are crying and I don't know how to make it better but I do what I can and hold you close because thats the only thing I can do.

You are growing bigger all the time and sometimes when I look at you I can almost see what you are going to be like in a few years time, almost see the handsome little man that you are going to be and I feel so proud and so pleased that I am your mother. Sometimes I watch you while you are sleeping and don't want to look away, want to make this picture of my beautiful little boy asleep stay with me forever and i know that it will. I know that I will always remember be little baby that I held in my arms, that i fed and changed diapers for, who I taught right from wrong, and helped guide to becomming a wonderful man with a beautiful future. You are my light sweetheart, when I am feeling down and the world seems like a dark place all I have to do is look at you and I know that everything will be alright.

You haven't done anything new this week but are getting better at the things you have been doing for a little while. You smile at us all the time and your smile lights up your entire face, you coo and giggle and attempt to hold your head up. When you do tummy time these days you look like you are doing mini push ups and it is so very cute.

Looking forward to seeing you devlope more and more
Love always
Mummy

Dear Samuel,

You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.

You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.