Dear nobody or somebody who knows, perhaps I am writing this for a baby growing inside of me to read one day in the future or perhaps I am writing it just to cronical my TTC journey.

This month was out first month back at being able to have some fun since Adam's accidant in December and we are not really expecting anything, we haven't put any pressure on ourselves to do the deed at any particular time just when we have felt like it. This month in preparation for trying to conceive i took note of what was happening with my body, of when we did the deed and of what my CM looked like. As a result of taking note of these things I am well aware that we did the deed right when we needed too to conceive and while I am trying hard not to get my hopes up there is a little voice in the back of my mind that wonders if just maybe this month is our month. If just maybe we will at last have the greatest gift in our lives forming and taking shape inside of me. I am afraid to let myself hope though, afraid of the dissapointment that will follow if I get AF visiting this month.

One of the hardest and most annoying things about trying to conceive is that all the early warning signs of pregnancy are also symptoms of PMS. Despite knowing that I have been experiencing some symptoms that I don't usualy exprience during PMS. I have been nausea and have vomited a couple of times, Some of the foods that I usualy love I have gone of completley (Sweet stuff, rich foods, anything fatty or oiley, most meats and most carbohydrates) and just the smell of them has been enough to make me feel like I am going to vomit. Besides the food aversions and nasuea my emotions have been all over the place, my skin is breaking out in pimples (which is never does) and I have been exhausted very easily (though could that be my CFS coming back?) The biggest things that makes me wonder is that yesterday I got cramps and if I am pregnant yesterday was around the time that implantation should have happened.

Beyound the physical I have had quite a few vivid dreams all involving children, me protecting them or even one where I gave birth. If I am pregnant then the night that we conceived I had a dream that I had got pregnant and gave birth to twin boys then last night which would have been around the time in inplantation i dreamt again of being pregnant. Now I know these dreams could just be coming as a result of me really wanting a baby but what if there not? What if it is real and inside me right now cells are dividing and forming the embryo that will turn in a beautiful baby?

If my cycles were not so irregular it would make life easier. THey have ranged from 28 days to 42 over the last six months so it is really hard to know if and even when I am fertile. THis month though we did the did both when i would be fertile on a 28 day cycle and when i would be fertile on a 32 day cycle (which my cycle has been the last two months)

Now I play the waiting game, waiting to see if AF arrives, waiting to see if the cramps were just my bodies warning that AF is coming or if they were something much more.