Again it's been a while since my last post, not because my feelings have changed - well they have but only in the way that each and every day I fall even deeper in love with you my little man. Not a day goes by that i don't look at you and think how much I love you and how happy I am that I'm your mummy at least once. It doesn't matter if we have had a rough day, it doesn't matter what else is happening on our world the only constant thing is my love for you and my desire to raise you the best that I can.

We haven't done much lately just spent a lot of time at home settling in to our new place and getting use to it being just us and daddy without other people around all the time. We've been to grandmas and Aunty becky's a couple of time and out a few times but most days are similar to the previous day. We get up, eat, play, nap, read, play, eat, nap, go for a walk or see a friend, we play in the backyard, listen to music and just recently we have started art time with drawing and painting most days.

You started at your new daycare centre this week and have settled in really well. It's much closer to home so I can drop you off later and pick you up earlier. The centre and carers are a lot better too. It was sad to say goodbye to the old daycare centre but I really like this one.

Tomorrow night we are going to the twins birthday party. They are turning three and we are giving them a toy kitchen.

Easter 2011

Little man we have had such a good ling weekend together with daddy. This weekend was Easter and so we did all the Easter things. Hot cross buns on good Friday, lots of family time ad the story of Jesus rising from the tomb on Easter Sunday. However the most fun thing we did was the Easter egg hunt.

I didn't think you were old enough for a hunt yet but you proved me wrong. When I took you outside you went straight for the pretty eggs in bright foil and ran around the backyard laughing and finding them then taking them back to your bucket. It was so much fun sharing your first Easter egg hunt with you and watching your eyes light up as you discovered there was chocolate under the foil.

You have brought me the joy of these holidays in a way I've never known. Growing up Easter was never a big thing in nanna's house, we got a few eggs, had a couple of hunts and then it was all over but this year has been different. This year seeing your joy brought me joy too and remembering why we have Easter and telling you the story of it brought meaning to it. Instead of just a few days off spent at home eating chocolate it was special occasion and I hope that every year we can make it special.

Dear little man,
You are amazing me every day with how quickly you are learning new things and all the things you can do now. Only a year ago you were a tiny little baby and now you are growing into a beautiful little boy. The most rapid devlopement we are seeing is occuring within speech and lanquage. In the last week you have

- Said ' little star' while doing the actions to the song.
- Said 'daddy' instead of da da
- Said 'one, two, three'
- Said 'no'
- Said 'ta' and your version of 'thank you'
- Said 'car' as you handed me a car toy as well as when you see grandma's car.

So many new words in such a short time and i'm amazed that you are already starting to put two words together.

Daycare is going well, you have now settled in so well that the moment that we get there you just want to be put down so you can run of and play or climb. You barely even notice me leaving you and when you do you wave goodbye. You slept well at daycare and eat more there then you do at home. I still miss you on those daycare days and wish that you were home with me but I can see how happy you are there and how much you enjoy it so for now at least we will keep going.

I want to start you in kindermusik and swimming lessons after easter so that we have something special that we do together. I also want you to know how to swim for safety reasons and because its something that i love doing and hope to share that love with you. If we do end up leaving daycare I am going to find us a playgroup so that you can still have that interaction and fun with other children.

I love you little man and want to give you all the oppurtunitys I can, you inspire me to want to make our life together better and so that days that you are in daycare I am studying so that I can get a degree and be able to work from home one day. If i am able to work from home then I will be able to arrange work around you my beautiful boy and still have that little bit of extra money to do special things like take you overseas or pay for a good school rather then sending you to the local public school.

I'm about to leave to pick you up from daycare little man, I can't wait to give you a big hug and tell you that I love you.

dedication

Samuels dedication was today and I have to say it was a fantastic day.

Today started early when Samuel decided it was time to get up at 5.30am after keeping us awake half the night screaming everytime he was put in the cot and kicking us in bed. I think I only managed three hours sleep last night. This morning before heading to church grandma and I did prep work for the morning tea at church and celebration BBQ at home then we got ready, woke Samuel who had gone back down for a nap got him dressed and left for church.

On arrival at church we had a quick meeting with our minister Paul and then it was time to start. As the dedication was part of our usual sunday service we did the usual prayers, songs and offerings and then it was time for the dedication. The dedication began with the sldeshow of Samuel's life so far and then it was on to the vows Adam and I were making and the prayers for Samuel, then signing the certificate. In the Salvation Army a dedication service is fairly short but with the addition of our slideshow and a song it took up a little bit of time. Once the dedication was over Adam took Samuel into Sunday school while I stayed for the sermon. Today's sermon was all related to what it means to give your child to God (which we had just done) and how to raise them in a Christian home.

Once church was over we had morning tea at church before heading home for our BBQ. As we had done all the prep in the morning and the guys were cooking all we had to do was take the food out then sit down and relax. Samuel slept for the first two hours so I got to switch off and enjoy spending time with friends and family. The BBQ was fantastic. It went all afternoon with great conversation, playing with the kids, relaxing, eating and enjoying each others company. The BBQ began at 12.30 at 5.00pm we put more meat on the BBQ and had dinner as well. Thanks to our ministers teenage daughter I got to relax more than usual too as she was only to happy to run around after Samuel keeping him out of trouble.

Everyone has only now just left at 7.45pm, I'm exhausted as was Samuel who went down without a fuss. It was a perfect Sunday. A special event, relaxed BBQ, great chat and perfect weather to watch the day slip into night and the massive full moon rise. It was great celebrating the gift that has been given to us, it may have happened later than usual but it happened.

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Dear Samuel,
This week has been a really good one for us. You are back to only two daycare days a week and I feel two is perfect as it still gives me plenty of time to spend with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you this week. We have been stacking blocks, pushing them over, reading, playing with your trucks, watching the wiggles and dancing, drawing and just enjoying being together.

This week you have really turned into a climber, you are into and on everything all the time. New words this week have also arrived. Pepper (the dogs name), ot oh (that you say when you push something over or are into something you shouldn't be) and car. You are also clapping yourself. It's so funny little man. You begin to build a tower of blocks and after each one added you clap and look to us to clap. You also clap when you climb up on something or do pretty much anything that you want us to notice. The last thing this week has brought is two new teeth. Not many to go now and you will have them all.

This week you have given me so much joy and brought so many smiles to my face. I love you little man. Thank you for lighting up my world, through you I am learning to live again, through you I have learnt to love again and with you I am growing and learning every single day.

Love
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
This week has been a really good one for us. You are back to only two daycare days a week and I feel two is perfect as it still gives me plenty of time to spend with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you this week. We have been stacking blocks, pushing them over, reading, playing with your trucks, watching the wiggles and dancing, drawing and just enjoying being together.

This week you have really turned into a climber, you are into and on everything all the time. New words this week have also arrived. Pepper (the dogs name), ot oh (that you say when you push something over or are into something you shouldn't be) and car. You are also clapping yourself. It's so funny little man. You begin to build a tower of blocks and after each one added you clap and look to us to clap. You also clap when you climb up on something or do pretty much anything that you want us to notice. The last thing this week has brought is two new teeth. Not many to go now and you will have them all.

This week you have given me so much joy and brought so many smiles to my face. I love you little man. Thank you for lighting up my world, through you I am learning to live again, through you I have learnt to love again and with you I am growing and learning every single day.

Love
Mummy

Dear Samuel,
This week is your last week of doing three days a week at daycare, while the time you have been away has helped me get a little better with my illness I have missed you so much. As of next week you will only be doing two days a week and we may look at dropping that back to one in the future too. I'm hoping to go back to university next semester but right now I dont know if I will as it would mean three days a week away from you plus extra time having to spend time studying and not playing with you some of the time your home.

I hate being away from you little man, hate the idea that if you get upset I won't be there to comfort you or hold you. Despite hating being away from you I can see that daycare is good for you. Since starting there you have gotten so much better at being around other children, you have become more independent and now use a spoon to feed yourself, you are babbling more too and some of those sounds are beginning to sound like real words. I am sure that you are going to start talking earlier then you would have otherwise because of daycare.

This week again nothing has really happened. We've spent time with Aunty Becky and your cousins, played outside, sung songs and danced and just enjoyed our time together. You've learnt to stack blocks now so we've been playing with them a fair bit and you love pulling your wagon along and filling it with your favorite toys.

I love you little man.
Always
Mummy.

Hi little man,
As I write this note you are sitting in front of me eating a bowl of cherios and watching postman pat. It's so good to see you feeling better, happy and eating. The last two weeks that you have been sick have felt very very long. It hurts me when your unwell and there is nothing I can do but hold you and try to tell you that you will get better soon. Im so glad your back to yourself now.

We are planning your dedication ceremony at church at the moment. It is happening in a couple of weeks and I'm quite excited about it. In the ceremony daddy and I will both make promises to raise you in a Christian home and to teach you about the lord as you grow up. While I hope one day you will also choose to be a Christian when your older the choice will be yours and if you choose to go another way we will never force our beliefs on you. That's for you alone to decide when your bigger.

Yesterday you drew your first picture little man using three colors red, blue and green. You were so excited seeing the color go on to the paper and now everytime you go in to the study you just want to draw. Perhaps we have a budding artist on our hands though with your love of music who knows. You will be what ever you become but sometimes it's fun to think and dream about the man you will grow up to be.

We are going house hunting tomorrow as daddy and I have decided that it's time we live our own life again independent from grandma and poppy. Hopefully we will find somewhere quickly and then you, daddy and mummy can be a family on our own but still come and visit grandma often.

Dear bubba,
Little man you are sick at the moment, sicker then you have ever been before, sick enough that yesterday afternoon we took you to hospital and they kept you in over night. The hospital is not 100% sure whats wrong, they think it's either a viral infection or severe tonsillitis but regardless of what it is you are sick. You have a high temperature, you have been vomiting and not keeping much down, your lethargic, your grizzly, clingy and so sad little man. It breaks my heart to see you this way and it hurts to know there isn't anything I can do to make it better. If I could I would take it away from you and deal with being sick myself instead of having to watch you go through this.

I'm too tired after spending all night awake at the hospital to write any more but I will tell you about your first hospital trip another time.

Get better little man, mummy loves you so much and just wants you to be well.

Dear bubba,
Little man you are sick at the moment, sicker then you have ever been before, sick enough that yesterday afternoon we took you to hospital and they kept you in over night. The hospital is not 100% sure whats wrong, they think it's either a viral infection or severe tonsillitis but regardless of what it is you are sick. You have a high temperature, you have been vomiting and not keeping much down, your lethargic, your grizzly, clingy and so sad little man. It breaks my heart to see you this way and it hurts to know there isn't anything I can do to make it better. If I could I would take it away from you and deal with being sick myself instead of having to watch you go through this.

I'm too tired after spending all night awake at the hospital to write any more but I will tell you about your first hospital trip another time.

Get better little man, mummy loves you so much and just wants you to be well.

Dear bubba,
Another hot week is drawing to an end. Again we have been stuck inside most of the time to avoid the 40 degree day and hot sun outside. You are not happy staying inside this much but there is not much I can do about that. In the afternoon when shade has crept across the backyard we head outside and play on the swings and in your pool. We chase the dog, visit the vegetable garden and say hello to poppy's colorful birds. I love watching you outside running, giggling and having fun, even on days when I am exhausted or feeling a little sad it makes me smile.

Our inside time we have been filling by watching the wiggles or listening to music and dancing, reading books, having cool baths or showers together to cool down, napping and playing with toys. You are now at an age where you are taking more interest in your toys. You push you cars around, pretend to sweep with the toy broom like mummy does, play with all your musical toys and climb on everything. This week you have mastered two new skills in your inside play, stacking blocks on top of each other and putting the circle in the right hole on the shape sorter. You haven't quite got the other shapes mastered yet and get frustrated with them as you don't quite understand yet how to make the angles fit but everyday you get closer to it.

We have started a new activity this week. Every Wednesday morning we now go to something called tumble tots. Here you can run around with other little ones, climb safely and have fun singing and dancing. The group leader is trained in physical development for little ones and helps you do things like somersaults correctly. (You loved the somersault and wanted more)

This week after tumble tots we went and looked at all the local daycare centers. Baby boy I love you so much, love spending time with you, watching you grow and learn however I am not well at the moment and my illness is impacting my ability to give you enough stimulation because of this daddy and I have decided to send you to daycare for two days a week. My heart breaks at the idea of having to send you and not being able to look after you all on my own. I feel like I am failing at being a good mummy if I can't do it and I hate the idea that someone else will be looking after you those two days. I know that you will do more at daycare then I can do with you simply due to them having facilities that we don't. I know you will get to interact with other children and start learning how to share and get along with people other then your family. I know you will have a chance to make friends and learn to be independent but still my heart breaks. You are still so little, so young and everything in my heart tells me that your too young for this, that you need the stability of having mummy there all the time not other people. I hate the idea of you crying and someone else giving you comfort, of you doing new things that someone else will see before I do but little man if I am going to be the best mummy I can to you, if I want to be able to do more with you the days that you are home and be well enough to really get the most of them I need those two days too see my doctors and rest. If either you or I can not cope with being apart yet then I can just keep you home with me so for now we will call this a trial. I really hope that you start making some little friends, and have lots of fun playing with new toys and outside play equipment. At this centre you can go outside even on hot days because outside is all shaded and undercover.

So about this daycare centre. It's called Wirrabirra and it's not for profit this means all money raised goes back into the centre. It is run by a committee of people with children at the centre and the staff all have lots of experience. The ladies in the baby room are very nice and they all loved you when we met the other day. They will provide all your food and nappies while you are there and you will even have your own cot for nap time. On Monday we are going in for a play so you can get to know the place and the staff better before your first day on your own at the end of the week.

Anyway little man it's time to sleep now. I love you and always will
Mummy.

Little man i feel bad that I haven't been writing as much to you in recent months. For the most part it's just a result of us being home often and not doing much.

We did have an adventure last week though. Grandma, Aunty Becky, the twins, Brayden, you and I all went to the beach. You loved your swim in the cool water and I even allowed you to have a taste of strawberry ice-cream which you loved.

This week has been really hot and as a result you have not been sleeping well making you cranky and tired during the day. With this crankiness you have started hurting mummy, daddy and grandma by scratching us, pinching us and pulling your hair. You may only be little but it hurts and I am reaching the end of my rope. I understand that you are doing it out of frustration. I understand that it's normal for your age but I just don't know how to teach you that it's not okay to hurt someone.

Today I snapped and gave you a little smack on the hand. Now I know other people would think that was nothing but I promised that I wouldn't smack and now I've broken that promise. The shock and hurt I saw in your eyes broke my heart little one. I'm sorry I acted in anger little man and I will try my hard to never react like that again. Next time I will just walk away for a moment and calm down.

Right now I want to say that it is NEVER okay to hurt someone because you are angry. Angel clouds your thinking and makes you do things you will later regret. Remember there is never any shame in walking away from a situation until you calm down. I did the wrong thing in smacking you regardless of the fact that it wasn't much more than a light tap. I love you little one and I'm sorry.

Love always mummy

New words

When I look at you beautiful boy I don't see the tiny baby you were a year ago anymore now I see a little boy, a toddler who is starting to explore the world, a little soul who I must guide, teach and protect and the reason that I know what love is. When I think of all the things you need to learn in the next 17 or do years I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't do a good job, afraid that i will mess up somewhere along the way and that you will resent me for it or that you won't know the things you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. I will always strive to do the best for you babyboy, strive to teach you what you need to know and always love and support you.

Tonight I sat looking through photos of you as a newborn and I am amazed at how much you have changed. To go from looking like a doll to being a little child walking on your own and starting to talk is amazing. This week you have learnt new words. To the list we already had (mum, dad, nan) we now have yes and no as well as hello and today I am sure I heard you day Brayden. Hello you learnt from grandmas pet cocky who is often saying hello. With so many new words I wonder how long it will be until we are having real conversations, until you can tell me what's on your mind, what you want or need and until I hear you say I love you mummy, I can't wait to hear those words.

Love always
Mummy.

As I type thus little man you are happily watching in the night garden. I don't particularly like letting you watch tv as I want you to learn to entertain yourself rather then switching on the tv and zoning out but I let you watch a tiny little bit most mornings so that I can eat breakfast otherwise I will not have the energy to keep up with you. You love watching in the night garden, other shows you like are Thomas the tank engine, waybulu , play school, sesame street and the wiggles.

It's been over a week since I last updated your journal my little man. Last week we had a bad week, your sleep was all over the place and you were getting up for the day before the clock even showed five am. I was so exhausted getting up that early that every-time you slept I did too but that meant I had little time left to update your journal. Not much happened last week, it was very hot so we were stuck inside and watched more tv than I would like, we went shopping on Friday and you played with your cousins over the weekend. Your new trick this week was starting to run. It seems like only yesterday you were crawling and now you are trying to run everywhere.

Anyway little man there's not much else to say right now so I am going to stop typing and come and read you a story. (yesterday we read ten of them)

Love always
Mummy.

Happy new year 2011

Happy new year little man,
Another year has come and I hope that it's a healthier, happier and more secure year for our little family. Last year was a difficult one for all of us, we experienced some really low points but throughout it all we kept going, despite what ever the universe was throwing at us you kept us going little man, kept me striving to find a home for us, kept me fighting to keep our little family together and kept me striving to make a better life for you to live. The world can be a hard place sometimes but we need to keep in mind that there is always someone worse of than us.

Your doing so well with walking now Samuel and it is now the primary way you get around, you only crawl when you want to get somewhere in a hurry the rest of the time you walk. It's kind of scary to think how much you have changed in the last year and amazes me that you are now a toddler and not so much a baby anymore.

So thank you little man for getting me through the last year. I look forward to sharing many more with you.

Love mummy