Little man i feel bad that I haven't been writing as much to you in recent months. For the most part it's just a result of us being home often and not doing much.

We did have an adventure last week though. Grandma, Aunty Becky, the twins, Brayden, you and I all went to the beach. You loved your swim in the cool water and I even allowed you to have a taste of strawberry ice-cream which you loved.

This week has been really hot and as a result you have not been sleeping well making you cranky and tired during the day. With this crankiness you have started hurting mummy, daddy and grandma by scratching us, pinching us and pulling your hair. You may only be little but it hurts and I am reaching the end of my rope. I understand that you are doing it out of frustration. I understand that it's normal for your age but I just don't know how to teach you that it's not okay to hurt someone.

Today I snapped and gave you a little smack on the hand. Now I know other people would think that was nothing but I promised that I wouldn't smack and now I've broken that promise. The shock and hurt I saw in your eyes broke my heart little one. I'm sorry I acted in anger little man and I will try my hard to never react like that again. Next time I will just walk away for a moment and calm down.

Right now I want to say that it is NEVER okay to hurt someone because you are angry. Angel clouds your thinking and makes you do things you will later regret. Remember there is never any shame in walking away from a situation until you calm down. I did the wrong thing in smacking you regardless of the fact that it wasn't much more than a light tap. I love you little one and I'm sorry.

Love always mummy

New words

When I look at you beautiful boy I don't see the tiny baby you were a year ago anymore now I see a little boy, a toddler who is starting to explore the world, a little soul who I must guide, teach and protect and the reason that I know what love is. When I think of all the things you need to learn in the next 17 or do years I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't do a good job, afraid that i will mess up somewhere along the way and that you will resent me for it or that you won't know the things you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. I will always strive to do the best for you babyboy, strive to teach you what you need to know and always love and support you.

Tonight I sat looking through photos of you as a newborn and I am amazed at how much you have changed. To go from looking like a doll to being a little child walking on your own and starting to talk is amazing. This week you have learnt new words. To the list we already had (mum, dad, nan) we now have yes and no as well as hello and today I am sure I heard you day Brayden. Hello you learnt from grandmas pet cocky who is often saying hello. With so many new words I wonder how long it will be until we are having real conversations, until you can tell me what's on your mind, what you want or need and until I hear you say I love you mummy, I can't wait to hear those words.

Love always
Mummy.

As I type thus little man you are happily watching in the night garden. I don't particularly like letting you watch tv as I want you to learn to entertain yourself rather then switching on the tv and zoning out but I let you watch a tiny little bit most mornings so that I can eat breakfast otherwise I will not have the energy to keep up with you. You love watching in the night garden, other shows you like are Thomas the tank engine, waybulu , play school, sesame street and the wiggles.

It's been over a week since I last updated your journal my little man. Last week we had a bad week, your sleep was all over the place and you were getting up for the day before the clock even showed five am. I was so exhausted getting up that early that every-time you slept I did too but that meant I had little time left to update your journal. Not much happened last week, it was very hot so we were stuck inside and watched more tv than I would like, we went shopping on Friday and you played with your cousins over the weekend. Your new trick this week was starting to run. It seems like only yesterday you were crawling and now you are trying to run everywhere.

Anyway little man there's not much else to say right now so I am going to stop typing and come and read you a story. (yesterday we read ten of them)

Love always
Mummy.

Happy new year 2011

Happy new year little man,
Another year has come and I hope that it's a healthier, happier and more secure year for our little family. Last year was a difficult one for all of us, we experienced some really low points but throughout it all we kept going, despite what ever the universe was throwing at us you kept us going little man, kept me striving to find a home for us, kept me fighting to keep our little family together and kept me striving to make a better life for you to live. The world can be a hard place sometimes but we need to keep in mind that there is always someone worse of than us.

Your doing so well with walking now Samuel and it is now the primary way you get around, you only crawl when you want to get somewhere in a hurry the rest of the time you walk. It's kind of scary to think how much you have changed in the last year and amazes me that you are now a toddler and not so much a baby anymore.

So thank you little man for getting me through the last year. I look forward to sharing many more with you.

Love mummy

Your Birthday

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Samuel, Happy Birthday to you.

Your first birthday, one year since I held you in my arms for the first time, one year since I became a mother and learnt that I had never really known love before. Before you came along my world was a very different place and not one that I really wanted to live in but you little man has changed all of that. You have my world so much brighter, you have brought so much love and joy into my life and at the same time having you in my life has taught me a lot of life lessons. If only I could put how much I love you into words but considering I have already been trying for a year I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

You and I had a great day today for your Birthday, this morning we all got up and unwrapped some of your presents before daddy left for work. The pile of presents was so big little man that we had to stagger their opening throughout the entire day and by bedtime you still had two to open. You have received so many things for your birthday but i'll try and list it all here for you.

Walker/Ride on
My first wagon/ride on
Talking telephone
bathtoys
Froggy swimming pool
Drink bottle (stainless steel)
Babylegs leggings/tights
Little people town centre set
Little people dump truck
Stacker dump truck
Ball popper
Fridge Farm
Jelly bath
Giggle and Hoot CD
Books
Clothes
More Bath toys

Thats all I can remember at the moment if i remember anything else I will add it to the list.

We spent the day together, this morning we playd outside on the swings before it got to hot and then we went shopping and said hello to Santa. After shopping we came home and I gave you a special birthday lunch that included fairy bread, cherrys, strawberrys, plum, turkey and rice cake. You ate a lot of that and loved the fairy bread. After lunch we played with your toys and watched some giggle and hoot xmas special together before your nap. Then this afternoon we played outside and you got to try out your new pool before dinner where we had party food and your first taste of ice cream in an ice cream cake, then it was time for bath and bed and you were so tired you went to sleep very quickly.

It was a great first birthday and I look forward to many more with you.

Love Mum

A year since labour

One year ago today I was in labour with you my little man. At this time your Uncle Andrew had just arrived despite me having told daddy that I was fine and wouldn't need to go to the hospital for at least a couple of hours yet, I had asked daddy to call him and let him know that we would need his assistance at some stage that evening. Daddy did call him but it was to tell him that we needed him now. I was so angry with Uncle Andrew arrived, I yelled at them, told them I wasn't ready to go to the hospital and to go away but you know what little man less then half an hour later we were at the hospital. Within ten minutes of Uncle Andrew arriving I was in a lot of pain and too tired to stand up in the shower anymore and so I gave in and said okay time to go. I wonder if Uncle Andrew had not have arrived until later how much longer I would have stayed at home for.

We arrived at the hospital right on 7pm, daddy stayed with me while Uncle Andrew took nanna to get some dinner then nanna stayed with mummy while Uncle Andrew took dad to get some dinner. I am quite amused that in the middle of quite painful contractions I was organising everyone to go and eat and how they could do it and not leave me alone. While nanna was out getting dinner the midwife helped us settle into our room and put the monitor on me so that we knew you were doing okay, then daddy went and nanna and mum sat there talking in between contractions and finding the things from mummy's bag that she wanted, once daddy got back I got into the bath where i stayed for most of your labour. There was a clock in the room that I was laboring in and from time to time I looked at it wondering if you were going to make it on the 23rd or if you would match all my predictions and be a Christmas baby, the midwifes were all telling me that you would be here by midnight but as we know you didn't quite make it and instead chose to be born just after midnight eight minutes into Christmas eve.

Today I have thought a lot about what it was like to be pregnant with you and what labour was like. As the day passes I have looked at the clock and seen times that i remember from that day, the time that I was at the Ob's, the time I got a backache and then realized later that it was coming and going, timing contractions and realizing they were regular and I remember all the excitement that was coming from Daddy and nanna while I remained calm and focused on the fact that I was soon to meet you.

Tomorrow is your first birthday, I can't beleive how fast this year has gone but I will save going on about that for tomorrow and instead talk about you now and how you have been this week. We have spent a lot of time inside this week as it has been too hot or wet to go outside and play. Your walking is becoming more stable and constant and you are being your normal happy self for the most part. Today you said a new word, you were sitting at the back door saying come come come and when I did you looked up at me and smiled that beautiful smile or yours my clever little man. Other tricks you are doing this week is to blow raspberrys when ever somebody says 'bless you' and saying an-mum-mum for grandmum/grandma. Its all so cute and beautiful to watch you growing up like this and learning new things every day.

I love you little man, I loved you from the moment you were conceived, I loved you while I carried you inside my womb, I loved you the moment I held you in my arms for the first time and I love you still now. Every day my love has only grown stronger, every day I have grown more and more thankful for you my little boy. I will love you forever.

Mummy.

Celebrating you - Your 1st birthday party

Dear Samuel,

We hosted your birthday party on the weekend little man, I wish that we could have done it closer to your actual birthday but at least by doing it early people were able to come and you didn't miss out.

Grandma and I spent a lot of Friday and most of Saturday getting ready for your party, we made lots of yummy food and cleaned the house, I blew up balloons and hung the decorations and then before I knew it people began arriving.

You enjoyed crawling around behind the other children, you loved being pushed on the swing and squealed with delight when people were picking you up and throwing you up in the air. It was clear that you were having a lot of fun and that although you are only a little boy that didn't stop you enjoying the company of other children.

Before food we decided it was time to unwrap your birthday presents. You love tearing the wrapping paper of things and like all little ones i think you almost got more enjoyment out of the wrapping. For your birthday you received a little push along/ride along wagon, a talking and singing phone, clothes and bath toys. You still have presents from us, grandma and poppy and nanna coming on your actual birthday.

For your birthday food we had a BBQ with lots of different meats, salads and other things. You tried a little sausage but didn't like it much, the little bit of hamburger you fed to the dog. You enjoyed the chicken, loved chewing on carrot sticks and celery and even tasted kabana and a tiny cube of cheese.

After dinner it was time for cake and you my little man got your first taste of the lovely sweet goodness that is cake. You loved it and ate a good chunk as well as enjoyed playing with it. This year your birthday cake was a buttercake with orange icing it was in the shape of a 1 with blue icing and blue and green smarties and you loved it.

All in all your party was a success, everyone enjoyed themselves including you and we got through the evening without any problems.

I can't believe you are almost one already.

Love always
Mummy

I know I talk often about how quickly you are growing up and all the new things you are doing but in the last twenty four hours we have had three things to add to the list.

1. Your one year old molars broke through.
2. You clapped for the first time.

But the biggest one of all the firsts apart from your first word occurred today. Today my little man I really knew for the first time that your time as a baby is almost over because today my beautiful little boy you stood up and walked. It was such a proud moment for mummy and daddy seeing you walk and so very exciting but it's also touched with a tiny bit of sadness as it means we are saying goodbye to one stage and moving on to the next. How I look forward to watching you grow, to helping you learn and exploring the world from your point of view but a little part of me will always miss my little baby boy.

This is the way of life, things grow, things change and there is nothing we can do to stop that nor should we aspire to trying to stop that natural rhythm of life. Change can be and often is scary but we must try to remain flexible and allow the universe to lay the path we need to walk out before us. Fighting change does nothing but hurt the person fighting it yet embracing change can sometimes open whole new worlds to explore in front of us. Little man I embrace the changes that are occurring in our lives, I embrace the changes and new things in you and look forward to everyday with you seeing what new things we may discover together that day. I love you my little boy and you will always be my little baby even if you are almost a toddler now.

Love always
Mum

Hello little man,

It's time for another quick letter from your mummy since its been a little over a week since I last wrote you. The past week here in Perth has been hot and with the heat you have not quite been yourself. You have been sleeping more and off your food as well as being less tolerant of the things that annoy you. You love going outside but in the heat of the past week we have had to wait until the sun is starting to go down before letting you out. This has made you not happy, everytime you see someone outside and your not you throw a tantrum and start banging on the door desparate to go out and join them. I hate seeing you throw tantrums, hate seeing you unhappy but I also don't want to risk you getting sunburnt or heatstroke.

Our family has a history of skin cancers due to our pale skin little man and I really don' want you to have to deal with that. We are trying to teach you that your not allowed to play outside without a hat on but you hate your hat and more often then not will throw a tantrum and try your hardest to pull it off your head, you are getting better at wearing it though so I think you are starting to get the idea. As you grow older little man I hope that you remain sun smart. It may seem annoying to have to put sunscreen and a hat on before you go outside but its important little man, skin cancer can kill, its not just a case of cut it out, stich up the hole and you will be fine. At this point in time skin cancers are one of the highest death rates for cancers.

This week we have begun to wean you from the dummy. Your dummy is now only used as night or on car trips when your tired. I thought that you would be so angry and upset at not having it during the day but you are doing well. We began by taking it off you as soon as we got up and putting it in your cot then we moved on to asking you to put your dummy in the cot and say goodbye to them. Now less than a week later you drop them in your cot and wave goodbye to them without promting. We are doing so well with getting rid of it during the day that I am hoping we can wean them at night early in the new year.

I can't beleive that we are in December already. Last year the start of December had me feeling excited as it meant that we were on the final stretch to being able to meet you this year I am excited because it means that we are about to celebrate your first birthday and first christmas. (I don't count the christmas that you spend in the nursery at the hospital when you were a day old)

I love you little man, always
Mummy

From Sam

mm
dddgefdjn;dsf
gnfdswe

In one month you will be one! I am always amazed at how fast time is flying little man, to think that soon we will stop talking in months and start talking in years is amazing. It feels like yesterday you entered my world but it was almost a year ago. In that time you have brought me so much joy and love, more then I could ever have imagined having in my life before you. I watch you when you are sleeping and smile knowing that you are my son and that you will always be in my life.

Recently I gave given thought to trying to give you a brother or sister, I want you to grow up with a sibling and to know the love and support that only comes from a brother or sister. I want you to have someone to play with, talk to and share things with that is closer to your age. Part of me wants to give you that while you are still young so that there is only a small age gap between you. With a small age gap you would be interested in similar things and play together better. Then I think it would be better to wait until you are at least old enough to understand rather then suddenly having to share daddy and I and nor understanding why. One day I hope to give you this but it may not be for a while.

Yesterday we had a good day. Daddy, you and I went into Perth for the first time and spent the day exploring the city and just enjoying being out. I am hoping that this weekend we can take you out somewhere, maybe to a park or the beach but it will depend on grandmas plans for the weekend.

I love you little man and nothing will ever change that.

Love always
Mummy.

Dear Samuel,
It amazes me how quickly you are growing and learning. Everyday seems to bring something new and it is clear that you now put a little thought into some of your actions. For example if I am holding you and you want to get down you will throw something on the floor and then when I lean down to get it you squirm down. Every night after dinner you crawl straight to the bathroom for your bath because you know it's bath time. So many things you do on a daily basis now and I sit back watching you thinking that my tiny little baby is almost a toddler.

We have been in Perth for a week now and honestly I think moving here was the best thing for us. You are so happy here, you love playing outside on the swings or with the dog, love watching the birds or playing on the sew saw and you love going for drives in the car with grandma. You have settled in here so quickly little man. You are such as easy going little guy that you seem to adjust to anything and everything with ease and much quicker than daddy or I do.

I love you little man, moving here may have been a big thing but it was the right choice and you are proving that to me with how settled and happy you are everyday.

Love always mummy.

My dear little man,
Once again our whole world has turned upside down. A week ago today we found ourselves having to move out of nana's due to some issues her, daddy and I were having. With no money to our name and not knowing anyone in Townsville we could have been left in a dreadful position. It is only through the kindness, generosity and caring of friends, family and even complete strangers that we are okay without their assistance I honestly do not know where we would be right now but because there are people out there who care we had a roof over our head in a motel and a plan on how to escape a bad situation.

For a week we stayed in that motel because it kept us together as a family and kept you safe. The first few days though were hard. We spent the last of our money on food for you while I went without until some people heard about out situation and expecting nothing in return helped us out. They gave food and nappies as well as a little money to see us through. Someone even gave us gift cards to get new toys for you. Due to others some who have never even met us we have been okay. Little man I dearly wish that you never have to experience the situation we found ourselves in again and hope that when you are grown you never ever find yourself in a similar position but if you do little man remember that it is okay to ask for and accept help. Accepting help from another person does not make you weak, weakness would be if pride were to get in the way. Another thing little man that I wish is that you will always remember there are people worse of then you are and if you have the opportunity and means to help another person I hope that you will without expecting anything in return. There are too few people in this world willing to help a stranger anymore and I find that a sad sad thing.

Yesterday to escape the motel room and be in a better environment for you we flew all the way from Townsville to Perth where we are staying with grandma and poppy. It was a long way to travel but you were so good little man and slept most of the way. Today on our first day here you had a ball playing with new toys, meeting and starting to get to know grandma, poppy, Aunty Becky and your cousins. You have been a little unsettled today but overall you are doing so well. You even said a new word today. You said Ta when we were giving you something.

Moving to Perth is a huge thing for me little man as I've never been to this side of the country. Living with grandma and poppy is also scary as I don't them well. I barely know anyone here in Perth but you know what beautiful boy it doesn't matter because we are together, we have family around us and food in our bellies as well as a safe roof over our heads and at the end of the day that's all that matters. I moved here for you little man so that you will be safe, loved and supported by lots of family and so that our little family unit could stay together. Everything I do little boy is for you.

Love always
Mummy.

My darling little man,
This week I have faced some major challenges, I have been very sad and feeling very lost but little man when ever I look at you i feel as though the sun is peeping out from behind the dark clouds. When I look at you I am found again and I find the strength to keep going. No matter what happens in my life I know that you need me and I will put you and your needs first until you are able to stand on your own two feet. You bring me such joy and happiness my baby, your smile and hugs make my heart sing and even when I feel sad it is enough to keep me going.

I love you my sunshine
Mummy

There is nothing in this world I hate more then seeing you in pain my man and it's even worse when I feel responsible for that pain no matter how good the intention. Today was one of those days with good intentions but it still made me cry when I held you as you sobbed against me. The cause of your pain today was vaccinations. You were so happy before the needle giggling and chatting away and I felt so bad sitting there holding you knowing how soon you would be screaming and scream you did. For ten minutes you cried so loud that everyone was looking at us and then that turned into sobs. I held you close to me in the baby carrier and I cried with you little boy. You sobbed yourself to sleep and even once asleep you continued to sob every so often so I held you close heart two heart and just rocked you until you were still and quiet. I didn't want to put you down little man but I did so you could sleep soundly. To my amazement when you woke you gave me the biggest smile and cuddle and while you were clingy all evening you were giggling and bring your usual happy beautiful self except for anytime I tried to look at where you had the needle, when I did that you pushed me away and when I did gently touch you there you screamed so I know it must be sore. Right now little man I want to pick you up and bring you into bed with me but I don't want to wake you. Perhaps if you wake soon I will bring you into my bed and hold you close all night. I love you little man and want you to know that if I ever do cause you pain it's the last thing in the world I wanted. If I ever hurt you my beautiful boy it will only be by accident and I will do what ever I can to make it up to you.

Love mummy