Letters to Samuel

2012-01-30T23:47:00.002+11:00

Another month behind us and most of the year stretching out ahead of us. This week all the activitys that I want to take you to commence again and I'm still trying to decide just which ones to do. I am thinking that we will go to mainly music at the salvation army as you love music so much that it would be good to get you back into it. I'm also thinking about a playgroup but not sure which one yet. I wanted to take you to swimming lessons but they are booked out for this term already. Given that you are in daycare two days a week while mummy studies I guess two other mornings out is enough.

Your not well today, I'm not sure exactly what's wrong but you've has a temperature all day and been very clingy as well and had little energy to do anything besides cuddle with me and watch tv. I hope that you get better soon. Nanna will be here in a week and I really don't want you to be sick for her visit.

New years eve

2011-12-31T23:09:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,
It is new years eve, the end to 2011 with 2012 about to start. You and I have been through much this year my little man and you have amazed me with just how well you adapt to every new situation we have found ourselves in. I have so many hopes and dreams for us for the new year but most of all I want you to be happy, to be secure and to know that you are very loved. I want 2012 to be the best year for us, I am going to stive to create the future I want for you, a future where we are secure, happy and loved, where we don't have to struggle every day and wonder where we will find the money to pay the bills. I look at you and you make me want so much more then we have now. I want so much to give you the world but I will settle for just giving you love and security.

Happy new year my little man
Love always
Mummy.

Happy birthday

2011-12-24T00:08:00.000+11:00

This time two years ago I was just about to meet you my beautiful little man for the first time). I don't think I ever realized just how much would change in my life by becoming a parent nor how much it would change me. Now I look back and I can't believe how much my life has changed in that two years, at times it felt like time dragged at other times it flew and I found myself wondering where time was going but every single day I've fallen more in love with you, when you smile at me, hug me, kiss me, when i hear you say love you mummy, when you do something new or even when you are sad and come running into my arms so that mummy can make the world better for you that love I've had since you were first placed into my arms has only grown stronger and deeper. You are the light of my world and have made my world such a better place.

Little man mummy's world changed the day you were born and when mummy looked in your eyes for the first time she felt a love that nothing could ever compare too.
I love you so much my beautiful boy. Happy 2nd birthday.

2011-12-20T11:07:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,
It is only four more sleeps until you turn two. I can't believe how quickly time is passing, how quickly you have become a little boy who is getting more and more independent every day. It wasn't that long ago I held you in my arms for the first time and gazed into your newborn eyes, it hasn't been that long since I thought I would never get to sleep for longer then a few hours without you waking up and needing me yet here we are almost two years on and you now sleep through the night most night. So much has changed and you are growing so fast that I just wish I could pause time and enjoy you how you are for longer.

You are growing so well and learning so much. At last count you had over a hundred words with some small sentences. You have good balance and enjoy climbing and dancing, you love music, reading and drawing and like all little boys you enjoy running around, playing with balls, cars and trains and are so full of energy I am often left wondering how I can keep up with you. In the next year you will change even more, grow more and gain even more words, you will begin asking why and communicating better, you will learn to use the toilet, start dressing yourself, give up the dummy and bottle. Right now you are still my little baby in some ways but this time next year you will be all small child. What an interesting year it will be.

Always I will love you and be here for you.
forever loved
Mummy.

2011-11-09T01:16:00.001+11:00

Today marks one year since you, daddy and I arrived in Perth. That one year has seen so many changes in our lives and since I last wrote to you here there have been still more changes.

At the begining of September nanna came over for a visit from Townsville, she arrived late on Saturday night after you had gone to bed and then when you woke up on Sunday morning there she was. At first you were a little bit shy but within half an hour you remembered here and wanted nothing to do with mum you were so busy playing with nanna. You, nanna and I were so happy to be catching up with each other but little did we know that our world would be turned upside down only a few short hours later.

Nanna had taken you for a walk to the shops and I was tidying up the house when all of a sudden I heard a noise coming from the loungeroom I had turned to walk back into the room when suddenly the ceiling crashed down right in front of me. It was scary little man and only missed me by a single step but all i could think at the moment was thank goodness you were not in the house. There was mess everywhere and the loungeroom and kitchen looked like the sort of diaster area you see on TV. Not knowing what else to do I called Grandma and Daddy who came and took you back to their place while nanna and I sorted out somewhere for us to go. In the end we moved in with the person who i had just started dating. You stayed at daddy and grandma's house for a few days while I set up your bedroom and got everything sorted for you to come home too. Nanna stayed for another ten days and you had a great time playing with her and watching the wiggles.

Time continued forward and we settled in to the house with Jeff but then after a few weeks Jeff got a letter saying that we had to move out. We were stressed for a little while but we found a house and were accepted for it on only the second application we submitted. Last week you, Jeff and I moved into our new house and I have been getting it all set up. It's a really nice place for the three of us to live and be happy in and the best news of all is that we don't have to move again for at least another year hopefully longer.

Anyway little man I should tell you more about Jeff since he is a big part of our lives now. You love Jeff and from time to time you do call him daddy, we correct you as you already have a daddy but it makes mummy so happy to see you laughing and giggling when Jeff plays with you. Jeff loves you very much to little man, he see's you as the son that he doesn't have and treats you as such in every way. As for me well I am happy and very much in love with him. i feel sad sometimes that I could not have this happiness and feelings with your father but your father and I are two very different people, although I do still love him in a way its not the way that you should love someone in a relationship but more the sort of love you have for a sibling or a close friend. I think I will always love you father in that way but it's very different from how I feel about Jeff. With you and Jeff I feel like the luckiest women in the world. I look at you and smile and feel so grateful that you are mine, you are a very special gift that your father gave to me and for that alone he will always have a special place in mummy's heart but Jeff is very different from daddy. He is older then mummy and more settled in his life, he also has a little girl of his own that he see's as often as he can.

Samuel there is one thing that I really want you to know. Love comes in many different forms and sometimes we get confused over just what type of love it is we are feeling. Sometimes people stay in relationships where they don't love somebody in the right way because they feel like they have too for their children but little man one day you will be all grown up, you will fall in and our of love and like everybody you will make mistakes too. I want you to know that if you find yourself in a situation where you think you have to stay just because it's the right thing or 'for the children' that either of those choices isn't the right choice and there is no shame at all in ending a relationship if it's not working out as long as if children are involved you strive to always have a relationship with your child and take responsability for your child. I don't doubt that you will grow up to be an honorable man who will do everything he can for his children and who will put his children first which is why I am telling you this. Sometime's even when you think you are putting your child first it is still the wrong thing to do and may just hurt them in the long run. If I had off stayed with your daddy as you grew up you would have known that something was wrong and more likely then not at the years past daddy and I would have ended up hating each other but because we realized that things were not working and made the choice to end it we are now able to stay friends and jointly raise you, we are able to discuss what we want for you and the best way to look after you and because we are both happy the life you are living is happy too. When you are grown up you will understand that if your not happy then it is hard for those around you to be happy too.

I love you little man and so many other people do too. I can't wait to see you in the morning, to see your smile and have you give me big hugs and kisses and maybe if I am lucky you will say 'i love you'

2011-08-29T22:13:00.002+10:00

My little man, it breaks my heart to type what i must tell you as not long ago it was the last think i could have imagined. For many reasons your father and I have decided that we shouldn't be together, i don't think it is fair for us to raise you with the tension of a relationship that isnt working and that was only staying together because of you and so we have gone our separate ways. I am doing everything I can my beautiful boy to make sure you have a good relationship with daddy, to make sure you spend plenty of time with him and as you get older I will never stop you from seeing your father as despite anything that has happened between him and I it is your right to know and have a relationship with your father, i know how much you love him and I could never ever keep you away from him because of that.

For the most part little man you will be living with me, together you and I will take on the world, i will do everything I can to show you the world beautiful boy and i will always always be here loving you and ready to wrap my arms around you anytime you need me no matter how old you get.

I love you Samuel and always will.

Love
Mummy

It's raining it's poring

2011-08-11T15:08:00.001+10:00

Dear Samuel,
It's winter here in Perth and while it's not as cold as the winter we spent in Victoria last year it has been wet the last few weeks. This last week it has rained almost every day, the only day that it was dry you were at daycare so we couldn't get out and enjoy it. The wet weather is making life difficult for us, it's hard to get to shops because we don't have a car and have to walk everywhere and without the ability to go outside or go to the park I think that you a beginning to climb the walls you are that bored. I am trying hard to keep you amused and find new things to do with you. This week we have painted, colored, baked muffins (you stirred the mix), danced, played with blocks, trains and indoor balls, blown bubbles and read the same story so many times I now know it by heart.

You are at such a fun stage right now, learning new things all the time and starting to be much more interactive with myself and other people. It's so much fun sitting down with you to play and sing songs or try to teach you new things and so rewarding when you do come out with new words or do something completely unexpected.

Hopefully the rain will stop soon and we can get back to spending lots of time outside.

I love you little man
Mummy

Untitled

2011-07-22T13:23:00.003+10:00

Six weeks have passed since last I wrote but in that time we haven't done all that much. There were a few family birthday partys that we attended including daddys and mine, we've had a couple of play dates and been to the park but most days are very similar to the ones before.

I was watching you play last night and it really hit home that you are not my little baby anymore, sometime in the last six months you have grown into a little boy doing little boy things like playing with cars and trains, throwing balls around and stacking blocks. I'm a little sad to no longer have my tiny little baby boy but do you know what? I love this age, you are so much fun to with and make me smile every day. No matter how bad I am feeling you will still do something that brings a smile to my face.

You are rapidly advancing with words and things you are able to do little man, every week brings new words and sounds, every week sees you trying to be that little bit more independant. You now want to walk most times when we are out rather then riding in the pram, at dinner time you feed yourself and will not let daddy or I help even with difficult foods like yogurt. I think that you have started noticing when your nappy is wet because you will suddenly pull your pants off and try to pull your nappy off, everytime you do this if I check you I find a wet or dirty nappy. I am considering buying a potty this weekend and while not starting to actively toilet train you yet I am planning on putting you on the potty a couple of times a day so that you become familar with it.

Daddy is no longer working nights so you are getting to spend time with him every afternoon and evening. Your sleep at nights is slowely getting better and we are now able to resettle you in your cot rather then having to sit up on the couch with you all night.

My lov for you little man is still growing, I can not imagine a time in my life where I will not love you, where my love will does continue to grow and get bigger. It is only through having you in my life little man that I have learnt what love really is and for that I thank you.

Love always
Mummy

2011-06-15T01:57:00.001+10:00

My little boy,
Once again I find it's been some time since last I wrote but there's not been anything really to write about. Life continues along at a steady pace, we have settled into our home and have adjusted to daddy working full time. We have playdates, see grandma and everyone there, go shopping, play at home and just live our normal every day life. I know it sounds boring but this is reality. The majority of moments in our lives pass in doing everyday mundane things, sometimes something special happens that sets a day apart as bring different from the rest and you deal with those days as they occur but it's everyday living, doing the mundane normal everyday stuff that makes up our lives and either makes us happy or sad.

I enjoy our everyday life, I love spending time with you, playing with you and watching you grow and develop. I may not write to you as much anymore but things don't usually happen in such a noticeable way like they did when it was your first word or first step. You're still growing and learning all the time though and i get great joy out of your new things. Most recently your new things have been saying 'me please' when you want something and a lot of no, me and mine. You have also started trying to sing along to songs in your own words but still following the right tune. You do this with twinkle twinkle, big red car, ABCD, the giggle and hoot song, quake quake and the most recent happy birthday.

On my birthday you amazed us little man. Just after everybody had sung and the candle were blown out you started singing mummy happy birthday. You did it in tune and while you used your own words they sounded so very similar to the real words that we had to stop and ask everyone else there what they had heard. Even more amazing about this little man was that you had only ever heard that song a few times before and you did it so well. It was the best most special birthday present that you could have given mummy.

I love you my beautiful clever little man.

Love always
Mummy.

2011-05-12T00:50:00.001+10:00

Again it's been a while since my last post, not because my feelings have changed - well they have but only in the way that each and every day I fall even deeper in love with you my little man. Not a day goes by that i don't look at you and think how much I love you and how happy I am that I'm your mummy at least once. It doesn't matter if we have had a rough day, it doesn't matter what else is happening on our world the only constant thing is my love for you and my desire to raise you the best that I can.

We haven't done much lately just spent a lot of time at home settling in to our new place and getting use to it being just us and daddy without other people around all the time. We've been to grandmas and Aunty becky's a couple of time and out a few times but most days are similar to the previous day. We get up, eat, play, nap, read, play, eat, nap, go for a walk or see a friend, we play in the backyard, listen to music and just recently we have started art time with drawing and painting most days.

You started at your new daycare centre this week and have settled in really well. It's much closer to home so I can drop you off later and pick you up earlier. The centre and carers are a lot better too. It was sad to say goodbye to the old daycare centre but I really like this one.

Tomorrow night we are going to the twins birthday party. They are turning three and we are giving them a toy kitchen.

Easter 2011

2011-04-26T01:17:00.001+10:00

Little man we have had such a good ling weekend together with daddy. This weekend was Easter and so we did all the Easter things. Hot cross buns on good Friday, lots of family time ad the story of Jesus rising from the tomb on Easter Sunday. However the most fun thing we did was the Easter egg hunt.

I didn't think you were old enough for a hunt yet but you proved me wrong. When I took you outside you went straight for the pretty eggs in bright foil and ran around the backyard laughing and finding them then taking them back to your bucket. It was so much fun sharing your first Easter egg hunt with you and watching your eyes light up as you discovered there was chocolate under the foil.

You have brought me the joy of these holidays in a way I've never known. Growing up Easter was never a big thing in nanna's house, we got a few eggs, had a couple of hunts and then it was all over but this year has been different. This year seeing your joy brought me joy too and remembering why we have Easter and telling you the story of it brought meaning to it. Instead of just a few days off spent at home eating chocolate it was special occasion and I hope that every year we can make it special.

2011-03-30T18:32:00.004+11:00

Dear little man,
You are amazing me every day with how quickly you are learning new things and all the things you can do now. Only a year ago you were a tiny little baby and now you are growing into a beautiful little boy. The most rapid devlopement we are seeing is occuring within speech and lanquage. In the last week you have

- Said ' little star' while doing the actions to the song.
- Said 'daddy' instead of da da
- Said 'one, two, three'
- Said 'no'
- Said 'ta' and your version of 'thank you'
- Said 'car' as you handed me a car toy as well as when you see grandma's car.

So many new words in such a short time and i'm amazed that you are already starting to put two words together.

Daycare is going well, you have now settled in so well that the moment that we get there you just want to be put down so you can run of and play or climb. You barely even notice me leaving you and when you do you wave goodbye. You slept well at daycare and eat more there then you do at home. I still miss you on those daycare days and wish that you were home with me but I can see how happy you are there and how much you enjoy it so for now at least we will keep going.

I want to start you in kindermusik and swimming lessons after easter so that we have something special that we do together. I also want you to know how to swim for safety reasons and because its something that i love doing and hope to share that love with you. If we do end up leaving daycare I am going to find us a playgroup so that you can still have that interaction and fun with other children.

I love you little man and want to give you all the oppurtunitys I can, you inspire me to want to make our life together better and so that days that you are in daycare I am studying so that I can get a degree and be able to work from home one day. If i am able to work from home then I will be able to arrange work around you my beautiful boy and still have that little bit of extra money to do special things like take you overseas or pay for a good school rather then sending you to the local public school.

I'm about to leave to pick you up from daycare little man, I can't wait to give you a big hug and tell you that I love you.

dedication

2011-03-21T18:30:00.000+11:00

Samuels dedication was today and I have to say it was a fantastic day.

Today started early when Samuel decided it was time to get up at 5.30am after keeping us awake half the night screaming everytime he was put in the cot and kicking us in bed. I think I only managed three hours sleep last night. This morning before heading to church grandma and I did prep work for the morning tea at church and celebration BBQ at home then we got ready, woke Samuel who had gone back down for a nap got him dressed and left for church.

On arrival at church we had a quick meeting with our minister Paul and then it was time to start. As the dedication was part of our usual sunday service we did the usual prayers, songs and offerings and then it was time for the dedication. The dedication began with the sldeshow of Samuel's life so far and then it was on to the vows Adam and I were making and the prayers for Samuel, then signing the certificate. In the Salvation Army a dedication service is fairly short but with the addition of our slideshow and a song it took up a little bit of time. Once the dedication was over Adam took Samuel into Sunday school while I stayed for the sermon. Today's sermon was all related to what it means to give your child to God (which we had just done) and how to raise them in a Christian home.

Once church was over we had morning tea at church before heading home for our BBQ. As we had done all the prep in the morning and the guys were cooking all we had to do was take the food out then sit down and relax. Samuel slept for the first two hours so I got to switch off and enjoy spending time with friends and family. The BBQ was fantastic. It went all afternoon with great conversation, playing with the kids, relaxing, eating and enjoying each others company. The BBQ began at 12.30 at 5.00pm we put more meat on the BBQ and had dinner as well. Thanks to our ministers teenage daughter I got to relax more than usual too as she was only to happy to run around after Samuel keeping him out of trouble.

Everyone has only now just left at 7.45pm, I'm exhausted as was Samuel who went down without a fuss. It was a perfect Sunday. A special event, relaxed BBQ, great chat and perfect weather to watch the day slip into night and the massive full moon rise. It was great celebrating the gift that has been given to us, it may have happened later than usual but it happened.

Untitled

2011-03-18T03:37:00.002+11:00

This week you have really turned into a climber, you are into and on everything all the time. New words this week have also arrived. Pepper (the dogs name), ot oh (that you say when you push something over or are into something you shouldn't be) and car. You are also clapping yourself. It's so funny little man. You begin to build a tower of blocks and after each one added you clap and look to us to clap. You also clap when you climb up on something or do pretty much anything that you want us to notice. The last thing this week has brought is two new teeth. Not many to go now and you will have them all.

This week you have given me so much joy and brought so many smiles to my face. I love you little man. Thank you for lighting up my world, through you I am learning to live again, through you I have learnt to love again and with you I am growing and learning every single day.

Love
Mummy

2011-03-18T03:37:00.001+11:00

Dear Samuel,
This week has been a really good one for us. You are back to only two daycare days a week and I feel two is perfect as it still gives me plenty of time to spend with you. I really enjoyed spending time with you this week. We have been stacking blocks, pushing them over, reading, playing with your trucks, watching the wiggles and dancing, drawing and just enjoying being together.

This week you have really turned into a climber, you are into and on everything all the time. New words this week have also arrived. Pepper (the dogs name), ot oh (that you say when you push something over or are into something you shouldn't be) and car. You are also clapping yourself. It's so funny little man. You begin to build a tower of blocks and after each one added you clap and look to us to clap. You also clap when you climb up on something or do pretty much anything that you want us to notice. The last thing this week has brought is two new teeth. Not many to go now and you will have them all.

This week you have given me so much joy and brought so many smiles to my face. I love you little man. Thank you for lighting up my world, through you I am learning to live again, through you I have learnt to love again and with you I am growing and learning every single day.

Love
Mummy

2011-03-11T01:02:00.001+11:00

Dear Samuel,
This week is your last week of doing three days a week at daycare, while the time you have been away has helped me get a little better with my illness I have missed you so much. As of next week you will only be doing two days a week and we may look at dropping that back to one in the future too. I'm hoping to go back to university next semester but right now I dont know if I will as it would mean three days a week away from you plus extra time having to spend time studying and not playing with you some of the time your home.

I hate being away from you little man, hate the idea that if you get upset I won't be there to comfort you or hold you. Despite hating being away from you I can see that daycare is good for you. Since starting there you have gotten so much better at being around other children, you have become more independent and now use a spoon to feed yourself, you are babbling more too and some of those sounds are beginning to sound like real words. I am sure that you are going to start talking earlier then you would have otherwise because of daycare.

This week again nothing has really happened. We've spent time with Aunty Becky and your cousins, played outside, sung songs and danced and just enjoyed our time together. You've learnt to stack blocks now so we've been playing with them a fair bit and you love pulling your wagon along and filling it with your favorite toys.

I love you little man.
Always
Mummy.

2011-03-02T13:24:00.001+11:00

Hi little man,
As I write this note you are sitting in front of me eating a bowl of cherios and watching postman pat. It's so good to see you feeling better, happy and eating. The last two weeks that you have been sick have felt very very long. It hurts me when your unwell and there is nothing I can do but hold you and try to tell you that you will get better soon. Im so glad your back to yourself now.

We are planning your dedication ceremony at church at the moment. It is happening in a couple of weeks and I'm quite excited about it. In the ceremony daddy and I will both make promises to raise you in a Christian home and to teach you about the lord as you grow up. While I hope one day you will also choose to be a Christian when your older the choice will be yours and if you choose to go another way we will never force our beliefs on you. That's for you alone to decide when your bigger.

Yesterday you drew your first picture little man using three colors red, blue and green. You were so excited seeing the color go on to the paper and now everytime you go in to the study you just want to draw. Perhaps we have a budding artist on our hands though with your love of music who knows. You will be what ever you become but sometimes it's fun to think and dream about the man you will grow up to be.

We are going house hunting tomorrow as daddy and I have decided that it's time we live our own life again independent from grandma and poppy. Hopefully we will find somewhere quickly and then you, daddy and mummy can be a family on our own but still come and visit grandma often.

2011-02-15T23:29:00.003+11:00

Dear bubba,
Little man you are sick at the moment, sicker then you have ever been before, sick enough that yesterday afternoon we took you to hospital and they kept you in over night. The hospital is not 100% sure whats wrong, they think it's either a viral infection or severe tonsillitis but regardless of what it is you are sick. You have a high temperature, you have been vomiting and not keeping much down, your lethargic, your grizzly, clingy and so sad little man. It breaks my heart to see you this way and it hurts to know there isn't anything I can do to make it better. If I could I would take it away from you and deal with being sick myself instead of having to watch you go through this.

I'm too tired after spending all night awake at the hospital to write any more but I will tell you about your first hospital trip another time.

Get better little man, mummy loves you so much and just wants you to be well.

2011-02-15T23:29:00.001+11:00

2011-02-05T02:06:00.001+11:00

Dear bubba,
Another hot week is drawing to an end. Again we have been stuck inside most of the time to avoid the 40 degree day and hot sun outside. You are not happy staying inside this much but there is not much I can do about that. In the afternoon when shade has crept across the backyard we head outside and play on the swings and in your pool. We chase the dog, visit the vegetable garden and say hello to poppy's colorful birds. I love watching you outside running, giggling and having fun, even on days when I am exhausted or feeling a little sad it makes me smile.

Our inside time we have been filling by watching the wiggles or listening to music and dancing, reading books, having cool baths or showers together to cool down, napping and playing with toys. You are now at an age where you are taking more interest in your toys. You push you cars around, pretend to sweep with the toy broom like mummy does, play with all your musical toys and climb on everything. This week you have mastered two new skills in your inside play, stacking blocks on top of each other and putting the circle in the right hole on the shape sorter. You haven't quite got the other shapes mastered yet and get frustrated with them as you don't quite understand yet how to make the angles fit but everyday you get closer to it.

We have started a new activity this week. Every Wednesday morning we now go to something called tumble tots. Here you can run around with other little ones, climb safely and have fun singing and dancing. The group leader is trained in physical development for little ones and helps you do things like somersaults correctly. (You loved the somersault and wanted more)

This week after tumble tots we went and looked at all the local daycare centers. Baby boy I love you so much, love spending time with you, watching you grow and learn however I am not well at the moment and my illness is impacting my ability to give you enough stimulation because of this daddy and I have decided to send you to daycare for two days a week. My heart breaks at the idea of having to send you and not being able to look after you all on my own. I feel like I am failing at being a good mummy if I can't do it and I hate the idea that someone else will be looking after you those two days. I know that you will do more at daycare then I can do with you simply due to them having facilities that we don't. I know you will get to interact with other children and start learning how to share and get along with people other then your family. I know you will have a chance to make friends and learn to be independent but still my heart breaks. You are still so little, so young and everything in my heart tells me that your too young for this, that you need the stability of having mummy there all the time not other people. I hate the idea of you crying and someone else giving you comfort, of you doing new things that someone else will see before I do but little man if I am going to be the best mummy I can to you, if I want to be able to do more with you the days that you are home and be well enough to really get the most of them I need those two days too see my doctors and rest. If either you or I can not cope with being apart yet then I can just keep you home with me so for now we will call this a trial. I really hope that you start making some little friends, and have lots of fun playing with new toys and outside play equipment. At this centre you can go outside even on hot days because outside is all shaded and undercover.

So about this daycare centre. It's called Wirrabirra and it's not for profit this means all money raised goes back into the centre. It is run by a committee of people with children at the centre and the staff all have lots of experience. The ladies in the baby room are very nice and they all loved you when we met the other day. They will provide all your food and nappies while you are there and you will even have your own cot for nap time. On Monday we are going in for a play so you can get to know the place and the staff better before your first day on your own at the end of the week.

Anyway little man it's time to sleep now. I love you and always will
Mummy.

2011-01-30T01:39:00.001+11:00

Little man i feel bad that I haven't been writing as much to you in recent months. For the most part it's just a result of us being home often and not doing much.

We did have an adventure last week though. Grandma, Aunty Becky, the twins, Brayden, you and I all went to the beach. You loved your swim in the cool water and I even allowed you to have a taste of strawberry ice-cream which you loved.

This week has been really hot and as a result you have not been sleeping well making you cranky and tired during the day. With this crankiness you have started hurting mummy, daddy and grandma by scratching us, pinching us and pulling your hair. You may only be little but it hurts and I am reaching the end of my rope. I understand that you are doing it out of frustration. I understand that it's normal for your age but I just don't know how to teach you that it's not okay to hurt someone.

Today I snapped and gave you a little smack on the hand. Now I know other people would think that was nothing but I promised that I wouldn't smack and now I've broken that promise. The shock and hurt I saw in your eyes broke my heart little one. I'm sorry I acted in anger little man and I will try my hard to never react like that again. Next time I will just walk away for a moment and calm down.

Right now I want to say that it is NEVER okay to hurt someone because you are angry. Angel clouds your thinking and makes you do things you will later regret. Remember there is never any shame in walking away from a situation until you calm down. I did the wrong thing in smacking you regardless of the fact that it wasn't much more than a light tap. I love you little one and I'm sorry.

Love always mummy

New words

2011-01-20T01:03:00.001+11:00

When I look at you beautiful boy I don't see the tiny baby you were a year ago anymore now I see a little boy, a toddler who is starting to explore the world, a little soul who I must guide, teach and protect and the reason that I know what love is. When I think of all the things you need to learn in the next 17 or do years I am afraid. I'm afraid I won't do a good job, afraid that i will mess up somewhere along the way and that you will resent me for it or that you won't know the things you need to be able to stand on your own two feet. I will always strive to do the best for you babyboy, strive to teach you what you need to know and always love and support you.

Tonight I sat looking through photos of you as a newborn and I am amazed at how much you have changed. To go from looking like a doll to being a little child walking on your own and starting to talk is amazing. This week you have learnt new words. To the list we already had (mum, dad, nan) we now have yes and no as well as hello and today I am sure I heard you day Brayden. Hello you learnt from grandmas pet cocky who is often saying hello. With so many new words I wonder how long it will be until we are having real conversations, until you can tell me what's on your mind, what you want or need and until I hear you say I love you mummy, I can't wait to hear those words.

Love always
Mummy.

2011-01-10T12:23:00.001+11:00

As I type thus little man you are happily watching in the night garden. I don't particularly like letting you watch tv as I want you to learn to entertain yourself rather then switching on the tv and zoning out but I let you watch a tiny little bit most mornings so that I can eat breakfast otherwise I will not have the energy to keep up with you. You love watching in the night garden, other shows you like are Thomas the tank engine, waybulu , play school, sesame street and the wiggles.

It's been over a week since I last updated your journal my little man. Last week we had a bad week, your sleep was all over the place and you were getting up for the day before the clock even showed five am. I was so exhausted getting up that early that every-time you slept I did too but that meant I had little time left to update your journal. Not much happened last week, it was very hot so we were stuck inside and watched more tv than I would like, we went shopping on Friday and you played with your cousins over the weekend. Your new trick this week was starting to run. It seems like only yesterday you were crawling and now you are trying to run everywhere.

Anyway little man there's not much else to say right now so I am going to stop typing and come and read you a story. (yesterday we read ten of them)

Love always
Mummy.

Happy new year 2011

2011-01-01T13:44:00.000+11:00

Happy new year little man,
Another year has come and I hope that it's a healthier, happier and more secure year for our little family. Last year was a difficult one for all of us, we experienced some really low points but throughout it all we kept going, despite what ever the universe was throwing at us you kept us going little man, kept me striving to find a home for us, kept me fighting to keep our little family together and kept me striving to make a better life for you to live. The world can be a hard place sometimes but we need to keep in mind that there is always someone worse of than us.

Your doing so well with walking now Samuel and it is now the primary way you get around, you only crawl when you want to get somewhere in a hurry the rest of the time you walk. It's kind of scary to think how much you have changed in the last year and amazes me that you are now a toddler and not so much a baby anymore.

So thank you little man for getting me through the last year. I look forward to sharing many more with you.

Love mummy

Your Birthday

2010-12-25T02:45:00.002+11:00

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Samuel, Happy Birthday to you.

Your first birthday, one year since I held you in my arms for the first time, one year since I became a mother and learnt that I had never really known love before. Before you came along my world was a very different place and not one that I really wanted to live in but you little man has changed all of that. You have my world so much brighter, you have brought so much love and joy into my life and at the same time having you in my life has taught me a lot of life lessons. If only I could put how much I love you into words but considering I have already been trying for a year I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon.

You and I had a great day today for your Birthday, this morning we all got up and unwrapped some of your presents before daddy left for work. The pile of presents was so big little man that we had to stagger their opening throughout the entire day and by bedtime you still had two to open. You have received so many things for your birthday but i'll try and list it all here for you.

Walker/Ride on
My first wagon/ride on
Talking telephone
bathtoys
Froggy swimming pool
Drink bottle (stainless steel)
Babylegs leggings/tights
Little people town centre set
Little people dump truck
Stacker dump truck
Ball popper
Fridge Farm
Jelly bath
Giggle and Hoot CD
Books
Clothes
More Bath toys

Thats all I can remember at the moment if i remember anything else I will add it to the list.

We spent the day together, this morning we playd outside on the swings before it got to hot and then we went shopping and said hello to Santa. After shopping we came home and I gave you a special birthday lunch that included fairy bread, cherrys, strawberrys, plum, turkey and rice cake. You ate a lot of that and loved the fairy bread. After lunch we played with your toys and watched some giggle and hoot xmas special together before your nap. Then this afternoon we played outside and you got to try out your new pool before dinner where we had party food and your first taste of ice cream in an ice cream cake, then it was time for bath and bed and you were so tired you went to sleep very quickly.

It was a great first birthday and I look forward to many more with you.

Love Mum

A year since labour

2010-12-23T18:21:00.002+11:00

One year ago today I was in labour with you my little man. At this time your Uncle Andrew had just arrived despite me having told daddy that I was fine and wouldn't need to go to the hospital for at least a couple of hours yet, I had asked daddy to call him and let him know that we would need his assistance at some stage that evening. Daddy did call him but it was to tell him that we needed him now. I was so angry with Uncle Andrew arrived, I yelled at them, told them I wasn't ready to go to the hospital and to go away but you know what little man less then half an hour later we were at the hospital. Within ten minutes of Uncle Andrew arriving I was in a lot of pain and too tired to stand up in the shower anymore and so I gave in and said okay time to go. I wonder if Uncle Andrew had not have arrived until later how much longer I would have stayed at home for.

We arrived at the hospital right on 7pm, daddy stayed with me while Uncle Andrew took nanna to get some dinner then nanna stayed with mummy while Uncle Andrew took dad to get some dinner. I am quite amused that in the middle of quite painful contractions I was organising everyone to go and eat and how they could do it and not leave me alone. While nanna was out getting dinner the midwife helped us settle into our room and put the monitor on me so that we knew you were doing okay, then daddy went and nanna and mum sat there talking in between contractions and finding the things from mummy's bag that she wanted, once daddy got back I got into the bath where i stayed for most of your labour. There was a clock in the room that I was laboring in and from time to time I looked at it wondering if you were going to make it on the 23rd or if you would match all my predictions and be a Christmas baby, the midwifes were all telling me that you would be here by midnight but as we know you didn't quite make it and instead chose to be born just after midnight eight minutes into Christmas eve.

Today I have thought a lot about what it was like to be pregnant with you and what labour was like. As the day passes I have looked at the clock and seen times that i remember from that day, the time that I was at the Ob's, the time I got a backache and then realized later that it was coming and going, timing contractions and realizing they were regular and I remember all the excitement that was coming from Daddy and nanna while I remained calm and focused on the fact that I was soon to meet you.

Tomorrow is your first birthday, I can't beleive how fast this year has gone but I will save going on about that for tomorrow and instead talk about you now and how you have been this week. We have spent a lot of time inside this week as it has been too hot or wet to go outside and play. Your walking is becoming more stable and constant and you are being your normal happy self for the most part. Today you said a new word, you were sitting at the back door saying come come come and when I did you looked up at me and smiled that beautiful smile or yours my clever little man. Other tricks you are doing this week is to blow raspberrys when ever somebody says 'bless you' and saying an-mum-mum for grandmum/grandma. Its all so cute and beautiful to watch you growing up like this and learning new things every day.

I love you little man, I loved you from the moment you were conceived, I loved you while I carried you inside my womb, I loved you the moment I held you in my arms for the first time and I love you still now. Every day my love has only grown stronger, every day I have grown more and more thankful for you my little boy. I will love you forever.

Mummy.

Celebrating you - Your 1st birthday party

2010-12-14T17:45:00.001+11:00

Dear Samuel,

We hosted your birthday party on the weekend little man, I wish that we could have done it closer to your actual birthday but at least by doing it early people were able to come and you didn't miss out.

Grandma and I spent a lot of Friday and most of Saturday getting ready for your party, we made lots of yummy food and cleaned the house, I blew up balloons and hung the decorations and then before I knew it people began arriving.

You enjoyed crawling around behind the other children, you loved being pushed on the swing and squealed with delight when people were picking you up and throwing you up in the air. It was clear that you were having a lot of fun and that although you are only a little boy that didn't stop you enjoying the company of other children.

Before food we decided it was time to unwrap your birthday presents. You love tearing the wrapping paper of things and like all little ones i think you almost got more enjoyment out of the wrapping. For your birthday you received a little push along/ride along wagon, a talking and singing phone, clothes and bath toys. You still have presents from us, grandma and poppy and nanna coming on your actual birthday.

For your birthday food we had a BBQ with lots of different meats, salads and other things. You tried a little sausage but didn't like it much, the little bit of hamburger you fed to the dog. You enjoyed the chicken, loved chewing on carrot sticks and celery and even tasted kabana and a tiny cube of cheese.

After dinner it was time for cake and you my little man got your first taste of the lovely sweet goodness that is cake. You loved it and ate a good chunk as well as enjoyed playing with it. This year your birthday cake was a buttercake with orange icing it was in the shape of a 1 with blue icing and blue and green smarties and you loved it.

All in all your party was a success, everyone enjoyed themselves including you and we got through the evening without any problems.

I can't believe you are almost one already.

Love always
Mummy

2010-12-08T17:56:00.000+11:00

I know I talk often about how quickly you are growing up and all the new things you are doing but in the last twenty four hours we have had three things to add to the list.

1. Your one year old molars broke through.
2. You clapped for the first time.

But the biggest one of all the firsts apart from your first word occurred today. Today my little man I really knew for the first time that your time as a baby is almost over because today my beautiful little boy you stood up and walked. It was such a proud moment for mummy and daddy seeing you walk and so very exciting but it's also touched with a tiny bit of sadness as it means we are saying goodbye to one stage and moving on to the next. How I look forward to watching you grow, to helping you learn and exploring the world from your point of view but a little part of me will always miss my little baby boy.

This is the way of life, things grow, things change and there is nothing we can do to stop that nor should we aspire to trying to stop that natural rhythm of life. Change can be and often is scary but we must try to remain flexible and allow the universe to lay the path we need to walk out before us. Fighting change does nothing but hurt the person fighting it yet embracing change can sometimes open whole new worlds to explore in front of us. Little man I embrace the changes that are occurring in our lives, I embrace the changes and new things in you and look forward to everyday with you seeing what new things we may discover together that day. I love you my little boy and you will always be my little baby even if you are almost a toddler now.

Love always
Mum

2010-12-01T23:33:00.004+11:00

Hello little man,

It's time for another quick letter from your mummy since its been a little over a week since I last wrote you. The past week here in Perth has been hot and with the heat you have not quite been yourself. You have been sleeping more and off your food as well as being less tolerant of the things that annoy you. You love going outside but in the heat of the past week we have had to wait until the sun is starting to go down before letting you out. This has made you not happy, everytime you see someone outside and your not you throw a tantrum and start banging on the door desparate to go out and join them. I hate seeing you throw tantrums, hate seeing you unhappy but I also don't want to risk you getting sunburnt or heatstroke.

Our family has a history of skin cancers due to our pale skin little man and I really don' want you to have to deal with that. We are trying to teach you that your not allowed to play outside without a hat on but you hate your hat and more often then not will throw a tantrum and try your hardest to pull it off your head, you are getting better at wearing it though so I think you are starting to get the idea. As you grow older little man I hope that you remain sun smart. It may seem annoying to have to put sunscreen and a hat on before you go outside but its important little man, skin cancer can kill, its not just a case of cut it out, stich up the hole and you will be fine. At this point in time skin cancers are one of the highest death rates for cancers.

This week we have begun to wean you from the dummy. Your dummy is now only used as night or on car trips when your tired. I thought that you would be so angry and upset at not having it during the day but you are doing well. We began by taking it off you as soon as we got up and putting it in your cot then we moved on to asking you to put your dummy in the cot and say goodbye to them. Now less than a week later you drop them in your cot and wave goodbye to them without promting. We are doing so well with getting rid of it during the day that I am hoping we can wean them at night early in the new year.

I can't beleive that we are in December already. Last year the start of December had me feeling excited as it meant that we were on the final stretch to being able to meet you this year I am excited because it means that we are about to celebrate your first birthday and first christmas. (I don't count the christmas that you spend in the nursery at the hospital when you were a day old)

I love you little man, always
Mummy

From Sam

2010-11-26T17:27:00.000+11:00

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2010-11-24T17:57:00.000+11:00

In one month you will be one! I am always amazed at how fast time is flying little man, to think that soon we will stop talking in months and start talking in years is amazing. It feels like yesterday you entered my world but it was almost a year ago. In that time you have brought me so much joy and love, more then I could ever have imagined having in my life before you. I watch you when you are sleeping and smile knowing that you are my son and that you will always be in my life.

Recently I gave given thought to trying to give you a brother or sister, I want you to grow up with a sibling and to know the love and support that only comes from a brother or sister. I want you to have someone to play with, talk to and share things with that is closer to your age. Part of me wants to give you that while you are still young so that there is only a small age gap between you. With a small age gap you would be interested in similar things and play together better. Then I think it would be better to wait until you are at least old enough to understand rather then suddenly having to share daddy and I and nor understanding why. One day I hope to give you this but it may not be for a while.

Yesterday we had a good day. Daddy, you and I went into Perth for the first time and spent the day exploring the city and just enjoying being out. I am hoping that this weekend we can take you out somewhere, maybe to a park or the beach but it will depend on grandmas plans for the weekend.

I love you little man and nothing will ever change that.

Love always
Mummy.

2010-11-16T17:57:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,
It amazes me how quickly you are growing and learning. Everyday seems to bring something new and it is clear that you now put a little thought into some of your actions. For example if I am holding you and you want to get down you will throw something on the floor and then when I lean down to get it you squirm down. Every night after dinner you crawl straight to the bathroom for your bath because you know it's bath time. So many things you do on a daily basis now and I sit back watching you thinking that my tiny little baby is almost a toddler.

We have been in Perth for a week now and honestly I think moving here was the best thing for us. You are so happy here, you love playing outside on the swings or with the dog, love watching the birds or playing on the sew saw and you love going for drives in the car with grandma. You have settled in here so quickly little man. You are such as easy going little guy that you seem to adjust to anything and everything with ease and much quicker than daddy or I do.

I love you little man, moving here may have been a big thing but it was the right choice and you are proving that to me with how settled and happy you are everyday.

Love always mummy.

2010-11-09T17:58:00.000+11:00

My dear little man,
Once again our whole world has turned upside down. A week ago today we found ourselves having to move out of nana's due to some issues her, daddy and I were having. With no money to our name and not knowing anyone in Townsville we could have been left in a dreadful position. It is only through the kindness, generosity and caring of friends, family and even complete strangers that we are okay without their assistance I honestly do not know where we would be right now but because there are people out there who care we had a roof over our head in a motel and a plan on how to escape a bad situation.

For a week we stayed in that motel because it kept us together as a family and kept you safe. The first few days though were hard. We spent the last of our money on food for you while I went without until some people heard about out situation and expecting nothing in return helped us out. They gave food and nappies as well as a little money to see us through. Someone even gave us gift cards to get new toys for you. Due to others some who have never even met us we have been okay. Little man I dearly wish that you never have to experience the situation we found ourselves in again and hope that when you are grown you never ever find yourself in a similar position but if you do little man remember that it is okay to ask for and accept help. Accepting help from another person does not make you weak, weakness would be if pride were to get in the way. Another thing little man that I wish is that you will always remember there are people worse of then you are and if you have the opportunity and means to help another person I hope that you will without expecting anything in return. There are too few people in this world willing to help a stranger anymore and I find that a sad sad thing.

Yesterday to escape the motel room and be in a better environment for you we flew all the way from Townsville to Perth where we are staying with grandma and poppy. It was a long way to travel but you were so good little man and slept most of the way. Today on our first day here you had a ball playing with new toys, meeting and starting to get to know grandma, poppy, Aunty Becky and your cousins. You have been a little unsettled today but overall you are doing so well. You even said a new word today. You said Ta when we were giving you something.

Moving to Perth is a huge thing for me little man as I've never been to this side of the country. Living with grandma and poppy is also scary as I don't them well. I barely know anyone here in Perth but you know what beautiful boy it doesn't matter because we are together, we have family around us and food in our bellies as well as a safe roof over our heads and at the end of the day that's all that matters. I moved here for you little man so that you will be safe, loved and supported by lots of family and so that our little family unit could stay together. Everything I do little boy is for you.

Love always
Mummy.

2010-10-15T21:38:00.000+11:00

My darling little man,
This week I have faced some major challenges, I have been very sad and feeling very lost but little man when ever I look at you i feel as though the sun is peeping out from behind the dark clouds. When I look at you I am found again and I find the strength to keep going. No matter what happens in my life I know that you need me and I will put you and your needs first until you are able to stand on your own two feet. You bring me such joy and happiness my baby, your smile and hugs make my heart sing and even when I feel sad it is enough to keep me going.

I love you my sunshine
Mummy

2010-10-07T18:01:00.000+11:00

There is nothing in this world I hate more then seeing you in pain my man and it's even worse when I feel responsible for that pain no matter how good the intention. Today was one of those days with good intentions but it still made me cry when I held you as you sobbed against me. The cause of your pain today was vaccinations. You were so happy before the needle giggling and chatting away and I felt so bad sitting there holding you knowing how soon you would be screaming and scream you did. For ten minutes you cried so loud that everyone was looking at us and then that turned into sobs. I held you close to me in the baby carrier and I cried with you little boy. You sobbed yourself to sleep and even once asleep you continued to sob every so often so I held you close heart two heart and just rocked you until you were still and quiet. I didn't want to put you down little man but I did so you could sleep soundly. To my amazement when you woke you gave me the biggest smile and cuddle and while you were clingy all evening you were giggling and bring your usual happy beautiful self except for anytime I tried to look at where you had the needle, when I did that you pushed me away and when I did gently touch you there you screamed so I know it must be sore. Right now little man I want to pick you up and bring you into bed with me but I don't want to wake you. Perhaps if you wake soon I will bring you into my bed and hold you close all night. I love you little man and want you to know that if I ever do cause you pain it's the last thing in the world I wanted. If I ever hurt you my beautiful boy it will only be by accident and I will do what ever I can to make it up to you.

Love mummy

2010-09-30T18:01:00.000+10:00

My little man,
I have typed you a few letters this week but due to a computer malfunction they have dissapeared. I'm so sad that I lost my words to you little man but there isn't anything I can do to get them back.

You are growing up so fast, I watch you when you are sleeping and can not believe how big you are already, it seems like yesterday I was holding you in my arms for the first time but that was over nine months ago. Today you are 40 weeks old. You were born after being inside me for exactly 40 weeks and after today you have been alive for longer then you were within my womb. You know little man, every Thursday night when I go to bed I think of the night you were born, I remember the little baby that I held in my arms and the promise I made you then that no matter what I will always love you and will always do the best I can for you. So far I have kept that promise and I have no intention of ever breaking it.

We have now been living in Townsville for four weeks and you have settled down really well. I think you like it here. Most days you are so happy and love playing with anything that takes your interest. This week I have taken you swimming a couple of times and you loved it. You are my little water baby, it doesn't matter where the water is if you can play in you are happy. On Monday we had a great photo shoot. You played in the dirt in the garden and then we took you to Rowes Bay where you played on the grass awhile. The highlight of the day however was when we introduced you to the ocean for the first time. You were overjoyed giggling as the water lapped around you and splashing away, you loved playing with the sand and getting wet in the water. I can't wait to take you for a proper beach trip once daddy is here.

This week your newest accomplishment is the ability to pull yourself up into a standing position and hold ourself there. You love standing and do it as often as you can. Nana thinks that you will be walking by your first birthday.

I love you little man
Mummy

Baby music class and your first non self inflicted hurt

2010-09-17T22:04:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,
We had a fantastic day today so while it is fresh in my mind I want to write about it so that I don't forget. I decided to take you to a baby music lesson this morning, before we left I was unsure if you were going to get anything from it but still thought it would be a good outing and to my pleasure it turned out to be a great experience. You really enjoyed yourself, getting in to banging on the drums, waving the tamborine around and playing with anything that made noise. The joy on your face was priceless and will be a memory I carry forever with me. Your smile as you explored sound and rocked to the beat, your excitment at being around other babies and just watching you enjoying life lightened my heart more then anything has in a while. After todays experience I will be signing us up for the whole term when it begins in October. Going to music lessons means that you miss your morning sleep but to me the joy in you was worth it.

The only low point to the day was that while you were trying to play with a little boy he bit you. In the middle of class you let out the loudest scream I have ever heard from you. It only took you five minutes to forget about the bite and start smiling and having fun again but for those five minutes you clung to me and cried your little heart out. As soon as I saw the bite mark my heart broke for you little man. You were so upset i think mostly from the shock of someone else hurting you and I wish that I could have protected you from that kind of hurt for longer then I have. I know that you will get hurt, I know that you will get into fights, be injured while playing sports and experience all the normal hurts that we all experience in our lives but I didn't want you to experience that so early. I am sorry I couldn't protect you from it for longer little man. Just remember that while I will not always be able to protect you I will always try my best too and where I can not protect you I will always be here to kiss it better and set you back on your feet. I love you my brave little man.

2010-09-14T14:17:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,
Today marks two weeks since we left the cold of southern Victoria to move to the top end of the country. Two weeks of living with nanna and two weeks of not seeing daddy. I know that I am missing daddy a lot and I think that you are too, every night when you hear his voice on the phone you begin to reach for it and crack it when I don't let you hold the phone. The only reason I don't let you hold it is because when I do you tend to hang up on daddy. Slowly we are getting use to life here, the weather is much nicer but quite a bit warmer then what we are use to so it is taking some adjusting too.

After a month of commando crawling you crawled for real yesterday. I'm a little sad that daddy wasn't here to see it but so happy to see you devloping and progressing. You are doing so well little man. Today when I was checking you gums I discovered another two toothypegs have come up over night. We went and visited your new doctor this morning and he was great with you. He weighed you and you are now weighing 8.8kg with a height measurement of around 68cm.

I love you little man
Mummy

A few posts

2010-09-07T08:37:00.000+10:00

30th august

Beautiful little man,
Tonight is our last night in Victoria, we leave here tomorrow morning headed for Queensland to live with Nanna in Townsville. It is a big move and I hope that it will be a good one for us. Daddy will not be with us at first but he will get to our new home as quickly as he can. At this point in time it looks like he will be six to eight weeks before joining us. It makes me sad that we will be away from daddy for so long and I know that we will both miss him as much as he will miss us, hopefully time will pass quickly and we will find ourselves altogether again before we know it. There are so many things I want to do with you in Townsville. I want to take you to swimming and music lessons, take you to the aquarium and explore Townsville with you. I want our life to be different up there, better then it has been here.

The last week had seen us busy packing and getting ready to leave. We have spent lots of time with our friends and in among all the busyness you have been your wonderful beautiful little self full of big smiles and gorgeous giggles. You have cut two more teeth this week , another on the bottom and one on the top and everyday you are getting closer to crawling. You even waved goodbye a couple of times this week you clever little man.

I don't know what the future holds for us little man but what ever it is we will face it together, no matter where we go, who we meet or what we do I will always be here for you.

Love
Mummy.

31st august

After a long days journey we have made it to our new home here in Townsville. The plane ride was long but I passed the time by making a new friend who lives here. The two of us chatted and played with you all the way here little man. You were a little unsettled tonight, so many new faces and somewhere you don't know I am not surprised you were out of sorts but now you are sound asleep in the portable cot next to me and I'm just about to go to sleep too.

Looking forward to starting our new life here with you when we wake tomorrow.

Mummy

5th September 2010

We have been in Townsville for five days now my little man and so far I am loving our life here. You are doing so well and seem to have adjusted to your new home quite well. Since we arrived you have been sleeping so much better then you did in Morwell. You have started only waking up once during the night and are doing two blocks of six hours sleep only waking for ten minutes around midnight before going back to sleep. Your daytime sleeps have also been better. With all the extra sleep you seem happier.

7th September

Little man you have another tooth. It wasn't that long ago you didn't have any and now you have four. Today you were giving me the cutest smile showing off those cute little toothy pegs and I just melted. Tonight I stood next to your cot for what felt like hours just watching you sleep and thinking about how wonderful my life is now your in my world.

2010-09-05T17:48:00.000+10:00

We have been in Townsville for five days now my little man and so far I am loving our life here. You are doing so well and seem to have adjusted to your new home quite well. Since we arrived you have been sleeping so much better then you did in Morwell. You have started only waking up once during the night and are doing two blocks of six hours sleep only waking for ten minutes around midnight before going back to sleep. Your daytime sleeps have also been better. With all the extra sleep you seem happier.

2010-08-31T17:47:00.000+10:00

After a long days journey we have made it to our new home here in Townsville. The plane ride was long but I passed the time by making a new friend who lives here. The two of us chatted and played with you all the way here little man. You were a little unsettled tonight, so many new faces and somewhere you don't know I am not surprised you were out of sorts but now you are sound asleep in the portable cot next to me and I'm just about to go to sleep too.

Looking forward to starting our new life here with you when we wake tomorrow.

Mummy

2010-08-30T17:47:00.000+10:00

Beautiful little man,
Tonight is our last night in Victoria, we leave here tomorrow morning headed for Queensland to live with Nanna in Townsville. It is a big move and I hope that it will be a good one for us. Daddy will not be with us at first but he will get to our new home as quickly as he can. At this point in time it looks like he will be six to eight weeks before joining us. It makes me sad that we will be away from daddy for so long and I know that we will both miss him as much as he will miss us, hopefully time will pass quickly and we will find ourselves altogether again before we know it. There are so many things I want to do with you in Townsville. I want to take you to swimming and music lessons, take you to the aquarium and explore Townsville with you. I want our life to be different up there, better then it has been here.

The last week had seen us busy packing and getting ready to leave. We have spent lots of time with our friends and in among all the busyness you have been your wonderful beautiful little self full of big smiles and gorgeous giggles. You have cut two more teeth this week , another on the bottom and one on the top and everyday you are getting closer to crawling. You even waved goodbye a couple of times this week you clever little man.

I don't know what the future holds for us little man but what ever it is we will face it together, no matter where we go, who we meet or what we do I will always be here for you.

Love
Mummy.

2010-08-26T17:44:00.000+10:00

Friday

My little man we have had a rough week, both of us have had the flu and you have been more unsettled then normal. You have not wanted to feed much, or sleep anywhere but our arms and everytime we have put you down you have screamed. Today the reason for this became clear, your first tooth has cut through the gum. You now have this tiny dot of white that is very sharp and have been trying to chew everything. With your first tooth cutting it really hits me that you are growing up so fast. You are no longer my tiny new born bubba and before I know it you won't be a baby at all but will be up and walking and taking with me, you will have dreams about your future, ideas and thoughts on how things should be and you will be your own person. It's scary to think how quickly time is passing.

With the realization that you are not a little baby anymore but are becoming a bigger baby tonight I had a moment that is almost indefinable. I was holding you, singing sweet lullabies and watching your eyes close as you drifted of to sleep and in that moment I remembered why I wanted you so much and knew that all the sleepless nights, worry and tears are worth every minute I get to spend with you.

I have been trying since your birth to put into words how much I love you and the only thing that comes close is this.
It's like when you first fall in love with someone, everything feels special, everything is heightened and you feel like when you look at them you are looking at the entire universe in miniature, it's beautiful and so fragile that you want to hold it and keep it safe from harm until your dying breath. That's how I feel about you little man. You are my world, my universe. You are part of me made whole and separate and I will protect you anyway I can for as long as I can.

Sweet dreams little man, may you always walk in the light.
Mummy.

2010-08-21T16:25:00.003+10:00

My little man I can not belive that three weeks has gone by since the last time I wrote to you. The only reason that I have not written to you was because i have not been well and the medication that I have had to take has been giving me some major side effects.

The last three weeks have been interesting. Daddy and I decided that we want to move to Townsville so that we are in a nicer place and close to nanna and you I leave in ten days to start our new life up there. We are gong to be living with nanna for a while and will just see how things go before we decide if we want to get a house of our own.

You have been taking us on a journey in recent weeks. You are now not just rolling from one place to another but are commando crawling with a vengence. Your first tooth has come through so we have been trying to help you deal with the pain that it has been causing you. You have tried a few new foods, met new people and been taking lots of walks with daddy and I. During the day you have been happy as always but nights have been tough as you have not wanted to go to sleep at all. However the last three nights that has changed and you have been going to sleep fairly easily and starting to sleep for longer periods of time overnight.

I carried you in my womb for ten months and loved you before i had ever met you. Before I ever saw your face you were the most beautiful thing in my world. When I was pregnant with you I dreamt of how our life would be and all the things that we would do together. Life hasn't been quite like I thought it would be as I have been unwell and daddy lost his job but it hasn't been bad either. You however my beautiful little man have been so much more and a much greater happiness in my life then I could ever have dreamt. Your smile lights up my world, your giggle breaks through any clouds that may be hanging over us and when you look at me I melt. I love you little boy and can not wait to start our new life in Townsville together.

2010-07-30T21:45:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,
After weeks of your sleep being all over the place the last four days it seems to be getting back on track at last. You are now going down to sleep in your cot for a good part of everynight and even during the day you are taking at least short sleeps in the cot. This is a huge step forward as you have hated the cot since we got home from visiting nanna in Townsville at the begining of May. Right now you are sound asleep and have been for almost three hours, I am expecting you to wake up any moment for your next bottle but also hoping that tonight might be the night you sleep through the night, only time will tell though one glance at the video monitor shows that you are not even stirring yet.

With your sleep being better this week your mood has also been very good. You have been a happy and friendly baby most of the week, full of smiles and lots of cuddles. You are happy to play on your own for longer periods of time but also enjoy playing with myself and daddy. You have learnt how to high five this week. We hold our hand out and say 'give me five' and you do. Its so very cute to see. Something else that you have started doing it coping us. We ask you if you want to sing and then we go la la la and a lot of the time you respond with la la. When you do these things little man you make me so happy, I love interacting with you like this and can't wait to interact with you more as you get older, I can't wait until the day we have real conversations and you start asking me 'why' I can't wait to teach you about the world around us, watch you sing and dance or kick a football with dad or your friends.

I love you my little man, you are the centre of my universe and make even my bad days at least a little more bareable. Sleep tight little man.

Love always
Mummy

Sneak peek of photoshoot

2010-07-22T10:25:00.005+10:00

I have been sents a sneak peek of the photos from Saturday's photo shoot. You look so handsome in them little man that I just had to post them here to your journal.

First word, new pram and photo shoot.

2010-07-22T10:03:00.005+10:00

You said your first word this week little man and have made mummy so happy because your first word/s was mum mum. When I left the room you watched me go and when you could not see me anymore you called out mum mum, when I came back into the room your face lit up with a massive smile and this time you looked me striaght in the eye and again said those beautiful words mum mum. The words that I had been waiting to hear but thought were going be at least a few months away still if not more and you came out with them a few days before you are seven months old. I went out for a while not long after you said those words and daddy tells me that while I was out you kept looking at my chair saying 'mum mum mum' and then crying and that you were doing that on and off for hours. The first time I heard you say that word I didn't think I had heard correctly but when you looked me in the eyes and said it with a smile everything inside melted and I was so happy that it brought tears to my eyes.

Last weekend we had another photoshoot for you little man, this one was with a local photographer who wanted to use you as a model in her portfolio so the photo shoot was free and we are being given a disk of all the images for free too. This is a massive saving as if we were to pay for this we would have been looking at around $1500! The photo shoot was fantastic, the weather was perfect and you my little man turned on the charm. You were full of smiles and loving looking around at the world about you while we took photos of you out in the backyard. For two hours you were happy to play model, with smiles, giggles and chatter and both the photographer and I enjoyed spending the afternoon playing with you.

The other exciting piece of news is that this week I bought you a new pram. You now ride in the plush comfort of the Icandy apple pram, this pram looks so much better then your old one and you seem much more comfortable in it then you were in your old one. It is a lot softer and you are also higher up. This pram gives you the ability to face me or to fae away from me, at the moment we are using it with you facing me and when we go for a walk I am enjoying looking at your beautiful little face and talking to you about the things that we see while walking. I feel like we are walking and exploring together now instead of like I am just pushing you from point A to B because that is where we need to be. For me this new pram is wonderful, I can push it easily over any surface, it steers like a dream and handles every situation I have thrown at it so far. We have been getting a lot of comments when out and about with it because it is brand new on the market here in Australia and lots of people who have been eyeing it off want to know if it is really as good as it seems, the simple answer to them is yes it really is as good as it seems. So many people tried to tell me that this pram would not fit my needs and suggested heaps of others that would but I tried out all those others and this one won by a long way.

I love you my beautiful little clever man and I am so proud to be your mummy, so pleased that together we will walk this path from baby to what ever you become in the future.

There will be plenty more words in your future, pleanty more cuddles and smiles and always awalys you will be loved and I will make sure that you know you are loved and never ever doubt that fact. I never want you to think that you are on your own and have nobody that you can rely on, I never ever want you to beleive that you have nobody to call on for help. As long as daddy and I are alive you will always have our love, always have our support and always always have people that will be there for you no matter what.

2010-07-18T08:33:00.002+10:00

You have been so chatty the last few days little man, its very cute hearing the sounds come out of your mouth and watching you try to figure out how to move you mouth to make different sounds come out. For a while yesterday you were opening and closing your mouth like a goldfish, it was very cute and very funny as well.

We had photo's yesterday with a local photographer who is building her portfolio she thought that you were so cute that she wanted to use you as one of her models and so we got a free photo shoot and will get all the images on a disk to keep as well. I can't wait to see the photos as you looked adorable in your brand new overalls and stripey bodysuit with matching hat, socks and mittens.

You haven't done anything new in the last little while apart from having your first taste of chicken. I'm not sure if you liked it or not but you sat there sucking on the chicken for got a while before you got bored with it so I guess you must have liked it, another food that you have tried and loved in the last little while was egg yolk. When I gave you the egg yolk you couldn't get it down fast enough. Thankfully you have had no reaction to egg yolk so I can continue to give it to you. Your diet is now varied enough that I am going to be able to make you some more grown up type foods like a casserole instead of you just having one or two vegetables and fruits every meal. I look forward to the time when you are eating enough of a varitiy of foood that we can sit at the dining table together and eat as a family, I think that perhaps it won't be that long away and in a couple of months we may be able to do it.

We are a little worried about you this week little man, for some reason you dropped from being on the 50th percentile for weight to the 33rd in two weeks, thats a huge drop for such a short period of time and it also coincides with you being rather unsettled and grizzly. You have had a flu and been teething so I hope the weight drop is just a result of being sick. We will have you weighed again next week hopefully there won't be another big drop.

You are 29 weeks old now, I remember when I was 29 weeks pregnant with you because it was at that time that we moved from Brisbane to country Victoria. It seems like such a long time ago but it wasn't even a whole year ago. At 29 weeks old it feels as though you have been part of our lives forever, it is hard to remember what life was like before you came into it and what I do remember from my life before you is that it never really felt complete with you here my life is complete, with you here I feel like I have started living, when you were born I felt like I was too.

I am loving watching you grow and discover new things little man

Love always
Mummy

2010-07-08T22:02:00.002+10:00

We have been having a bad week this week little man, you are still having problems with teething and the tooth not wanting to come through and you have also been sick with your first cold. With these things making you feel so bad you have been so clingy to both your father and I and have not wanted to be put down at all. The moment we try to put you in your cot even if you are deeply asleep you have been waking up and screaming until we pick you up and cuddle you to sleep again. I know that its not going to teach you how to go to sleep on your own if we keep picking you up but i just can't bare to hear you screaming and so upset.

A friend showed me this poem today and I like it so much that I thought I would share it with you here perhaps one day you will have children and this poem will come to mind.

I hope my child looks back on today
and remembers a Mum who had time to play
There will be years for cleaning and cooking
But children grow up when we are not looking
.........Cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
Cos babies grow fast, we learn to our sorrow
So settle down cobwebs, dust go to sleep
I'm cuddling my baby, and babies don't keep

Too often there seems to be so much that needs to be done and some days I find that I feel like I have spent no time with you because i was doing housework, shopping, cooking or studying, on those days I feel so sad and don't want to put you to bed, on those days I just want to hold you while you sleep and watch you beautiful little face as you smile and giggle in your sleep. I hope that one day you will get to experience this love, get to know what it is like to have a little person of your own that is made off you. Since having you it seems as though my world has shrunk and you are my world yet at the same time my world has grown so big that there is not enough room in the universe to contain my love for you.

Sleep well little man, tomorrow I look forward to holding you and playing with you and telling you how much I love you.

Mummy

2010-06-29T21:34:00.003+10:00

My beautiful baby boy,
I tell you so often how much I love you I could say over and over every minute of the day and still the words would not come close to the love that I have for you in my heart. I hope that one day you will hold your own baby in your arms and feel the love for them that I have now for you. I hope that your life is full of love and that you learn to love and be loved without reserves, without holding back or attaching conditons to that love. It is my greatest wish for you little man that one day you find somebody to share your life with, to love and to love you. I beleive that when you really love someone and they love you together you can get through anything that this world might throw at you.

I love you little man and always will.
Mummy

2010-06-24T00:14:00.003+10:00

This time six months ago I had just given birth and was holding you for the first time my little man. I couldn't take my eyes of you for hours after giving birth to you and even now today I still spend a lot of time just watching you and thinking how beautiful you are and how lucky your daddy and I are to have you. I wouldn't change a thing in my life if it meant that there was a risk that I would not have had you. My light in the darkness, the reason I am trying to make my life a better place is for you. You make me want to be the best that I can be and to teach you that anything in life is possable, afterall we were told that we would never have you.

Happy six months little man, may the next six months bring us even more joy then the last have.

2010-06-19T19:47:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,

Sometimes I wish that I could slow down the passing of time or even stop it just for a little while so that I can enjoy this time for as long as I want rather then feeling like if I blink I will miss something and you will be all grown up. Then I remember how much I enjoy watching you learn new things and take notice of the world around you, how much I love the way that you now snuggle into because you want to, not because you don't have any control over your body but because you want to snuggle with me. I am enjoying watching you grow, and wondering what sort of man you are going to be in years to come but I am a little sad that time is passing so quickly.

This week you have really made devlopmental leaps, you suddenly have a desire to do things for yourself and have snatched the bottle/spoon/cup out of my hands to try and do it yourself a few times. You are now rolling from your stomach to your back more often though still not all the time and today you started drinking from a sippy cup. You show more interest in your toys now and are picking them up, looking at them, banging them around and throwing them as far as you can. You are a happy baby most of time, full of giggles and smiles with the only exception being when you are tired. When you are tired you get very grizzly and still fight going to sleep.

Right now we have attempted to put you to bed five times and each time has ended up in tears, yours and almost mine. I don't know why you don't want to sleep little man and I want to figure it out so that are happy and playful during the day rather then grizzly.

2010-06-11T20:25:00.002+10:00

Another week gone little man but again we have not done much. It is winter in Victoria and here in the valley where we live it has been very cold, too cold to go out and do anything and to cold to do much more then curl up in front of the heater or under a doona to keep warm. We have been reading lots of storys and chatting to you lots as well. You are becoming more and more vocal every day making more and more sounds and sometimes it even sounds as though you are trying to copy the words we are saying to you. Your new trick for this week is to blow raspberrys and bubbles at daddy and I as often as you can.

The one thing we did do this week was take a walk to the shops to buy you a booster seat. You are eating so well now and are eating three meals a day that i decided it was time for you to have a proper place to eat so we bought you a fisher price boost chair that makes one of our normal chairs into a high chair for you. You love your new chair and love the play tray that comes with it, every meal time you get so excited the moment i put you in your chair and its almost a fight to get you to concentrate on your food. This week we tried two new foods. You had oatmeal which you pulled a face at but loved it when it was mixed with a little banana and you also had peas which you gobbled down so quickly. It makes me so happy that you enjoy your food. Friends of ours have trouble getting their bub to eat anything that is not sweet but you love everything we try to give you. I hope that as you grow up I am able to teach you the importance of a good diet, I want you to enjoy a huge range of foods and not just reach for the easy to cook foods or the foods that are high in fat, sugar or salt. I want you to know that if you eat the right foods that it will help you to remain healthy and full of energy and that foods that are good for you to not have to be boring. I want you to be able to enjoy the taste of what ever it is you are eating without having to cover it in salt or sugar. Don't get me wrong, there is a place in life for sweets and junk food, they are yummy and fun to enjoy sometimes but not as a every day thing. My big rule when it comes to food is that everything is okay in moderation. I hope to teach you this as you get older.

Love you little man
Mummy

2010-06-03T23:27:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,
Time gets passing, the world keeps spinning and you keep growing and learning. This week you have been so full of smiles. Everyday you have smiled, gurgled, cooed and gaaed and giggled at daddy and I, at strangers, at the cats and anything and nothing, sometimes I wonder if the fairys are teasing you and that's why your giggling like mad. Your giggle is music to my ears, it doesn't matter how I am feeling when I hear you giggle I smile and if you giggle lots I end up laughing too. You have been such a happy baby this week (at least during the daylight hours, night and bedtime is another story) and your happiness has made me happy.

You practiced some new things this week too, you have rolled from your stomach to your back a few times (although most of the time you lay on your stomach and scream until we place you on your back once again.) and you have even started to caterpilla crawl across you playmat. You want to move and are getting so frustrated that you are unable to go where you want. I really don't think it will be long before you begin to crawl.

At five months old you have a pet, he is a beautful fluffy kitten who you love to watch play and stroke his fur, most of the time you are so good with him and gentle stroke, only occassionaly do you grap fistfuls of his fur but he loves you and is so patient that when you do grap a fistful he doesn't even turn around and scratch you. Quite often when you are on mine or daddy's lap or even in your chair you kitten climbs up and curls up next to you too. It is so special to see and I am so glad that you already like animals and that they already like you little man. Animals are special, they make great friends and if nobody else seems to be around or if you need to talk to someone but don't want anyone to know your secrets, animals will always listen and will never ever tell anyone the things you spoke to them about.

Anyway little man it is late and time for me to go and get some sleep, we are going out tomorrow to meet some new people and hopefully make some new friends and then on Saturday I am having my birthday party.

I love you little man, more then all the stars in the sky, more then all the grains of sand on earth. I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. No matter what happens in life never ever forget that your mummy and daddy love you and feel blessed that you are in their lives. You were a gift from the gods and one that we will always cherish.

2010-05-24T16:44:00.002+10:00

Little man, you are five months old today and growing bigger ever day it seems. You are now almost sitting up on your own and only needing a little support, your getting better at rolling and while you are yet to roll from your stomach to your back again you are getting closer all the time. You are getting better at spending a little bit of time on your own too and I find I am often able to put you down on your playmat while I have something to eat or visit the bathroom. These days when you wake up in your cot you play with your Elle and your Scout for a little while before crying to get up. We bought you scout last week and he is now your favorite toy, if you can't see him from where ever you are you cry until we bring him within your line of sight. Scount is a stuffed dog that talks to you and sings to you and you are delighted with him. When I turn him on and you hear the woof woof hello Samuel your face lights up with the biggest smile and at night when we put you to bed and set scout to lullabye function as soon as you hear him say 'snuggle up Samuel' you close your eyes and stare stroking him with your hand. It is so very cute.

Again I haven't posted here in a little while but thats only because nothing has been happening. We have spent a lot of time at home since we got back from nanna's trying to keep out of the cold. After being in the nice warm weather of Townsville it feels freezing here and nighttime tempretures are getting close to freezing at 7.30am on Sunday morning it was actaully getting down to minus 2 degrees and we were snuggled up under a doona while you had your morning bottle trying to keep warm.

Speaking of bottles we are currntly trying you on goats milk formula again as you started refusing the special formula from the doctors (not that I can blame you with how bad it smells) we are hoping that now your little digestion system has had a little time more time to mature that your problems with lactoseat least will be better and so far after four days back on goats milk you seem to be going well and have not had a reaction to it. You are eating more and more now and are still loving your food. So far you have tried rice cereal, avacado, sweet potato and pear. Today you tried banana mixed with your rice cereal for the first time, you didn't seem to like it all that much but i'm not sure if that is because you were already full from your sweet potato.

This weekend just gone you attending two birthday parties, one for dads friends little girl Jess and the first birthday party for Stephs little girl who we see often Nina. Every made comments as they always do on how handsome you are and how you are a very cute little baby and how good you were because you didn't cry much at all.

I can not beleive how much you have grown in five months, yesterday I was putting away some of the tiny baby clothes you wore when we first got home and could not beleive that you were ever that small but you were that small and not all that long ago. As we were laying together in bed the other night keeping each other warm the thought suddenly hit me that women and children have been in just that position for thousands of years, mother and baby sleeping together for warmth and comfort and I suddenly felt connected to all those women who have gone before me. It was such as amazing feeling for me to know that I am connected into this bug web of mothers that spans history and that you are the point connecting me to this web. Life is so much better with you in it then it ever was before you were born. Thank you little man for changing my life is such a dramtic but good way. I love you and always will.

Mummy

2010-05-14T19:21:00.003+10:00

My little man,
It has been over a week since I last wrote to you but it was hard to get internet access while we were away and last week I was very distracted as I had an exam to study for.

The last couple of weeks in Townsville we didn't get up to much, you spent a lot of time with nanna while I was studying for an exam, we went shopping a little bit and went on a few walks to the beach. We went swimming a few times and just spend a lot of time relaxing.

We have been home since very early Monday morning (about 3 am) and while it was sad to leave nanna it was so good to get home to dad and our kitties. This week you have been spending lots of time with daddy but I don't think you have been feeling too well. We left Townsville after three weeks in really nice weather and got home to freezing cold weather, winter has really hit here in Melbourne and I don't think that either of us were ready for the cold after the nice weather we got use to while away.

Yesterday you had another round of immunisations, I hate watching you have needles and hearing you cry because of them but if it means that you avoid getting really sick in the future then it's what we have to do. You were fairly good with the immunizatons yesterday though, you only cried a little bit and then started giggling at the nurse. Last night you didn't sleep too well but thats okay we expected you to not be too happy. Today it seems as though you have come down with a cold, I am hoping that it is only a minor one and that you get over it quickly but only time will tell.

You are going so well on your solid foods, this week I introduced you to avacado and you are loving it so much that you don't want your cereal anymore. The next food I am going to try you on is pear and I really hope you like it as much as you have liked your last two foods.

Since we got home I have introduced you more to the kitties, at first you kept trying to grap handfuls of their fur but we gently opened your hand and helped you stroke the kitties and now you are so good with them, most of the time you are stroking them without even us even putting your hand on them, you are still grapping their fur every so often but not as much as you use too.

I love you little man, I love watching you experience new things, seeing your face when you tried the avacado yesterday and worked out that it tasted yummy was priceless and seeing the joy on your face and hearing you giggle as you were petting our little baby kitten was beautiful too. I can't wait to share so many more firsts with you as you get bigger and watch you continue to experience the world and the things in it.

Love always
Mummy

2010-05-05T19:44:00.000+10:00

Dear Samuel,

You are growing up so quickly little man. Today you had your first
taste of more solid food. It was only rice cereal but you loved it and
cracked it when there was none left. I didn't want to start you on
solids so early however you decided to throw yourself at my food today
and have been watchng me eat, making eating motions with your mouth as
you watched mine so I thought it was time to see if you would take
them. It's also not the way I wanted to introduce solid food as I
wanted to do baby led solids but you are too young for that and with
how quickly you ate your rice cereal today I think I may just have to
keep giving you purée and soft foods.

2010-04-29T23:44:00.000+10:00

My little man you are so beautiful, everyone seems to fall in love
with you the moment they lay eyes on you and want to cuddle you and
talk to you. Your so young and already charming the ladies.

We haven't done much the last few days, a little shopping, a little
swimming which you love, a walk through the Sunday markets where nana
spoilt you and a nice walk along the strand.

Townsville is a beautiful place with a gorgeous beach, views to
magnetic island and a backdrop of castle hill. It is a city where even
in the heart of the city you can still feel the power of nature coming
from the beach and castle hill standing over it all like some sort of
immobile guard. It is hot and humid here but still I like it here. I
don't think I would be happy to live here but as a place to visit it's
a nice retreat away from our normal life. One day when you are older I
will bring you here.

Something has been playing on my mind today little man. I have been
feeling guilty that I stopped expressing a month ago and that had led
me to wonder if I gave up trying to breastfeed too soon as well. It's
stupid thinking these things, I know I did everything I could but I
can't help but wonder what if? I wonder if I really did everything I
could yet I know I tried everything. I wanted to breadtfeed so badly,
wanted to give you the best start to life and I can't help but feel
like my best wasn't good enough.

Enough from me now my beautiful boy, it's time I sleep before you wake
for another feed. I love you beautiful.

Mummy.

2010-04-24T21:21:00.003+10:00

Dear Samuel,

You are four months old today! My how time has flown, before I know it you are going to be fully grown and moving out of home to start your own family.

A year ago today I saw you on the moniter for the first time. You were just a tiny little blob and didn't lool like much of anything but that little blob had everything it needed to grow a full beautiful human being. A year on and your here in our lives making our world a much better and happier place. Life has changed so much in a year and I would never even want to go back to what it was before you. The day I first saw you on a moniter was one of the happiest days of my life. To know that I was carrying a baby and that you had implanted perfectly and that I was going to be a mum was an amazing feeling.

We are still on holidays at nannas at the moment and will be here for another two weeks. We haven't done much here, just taking it easy and relaxing. Yesterday you had your first ever trip to the beach. You kept gazing out over the water and were such a happy baby. I have a beautiful photo of you lying on your tummy on the grass looking up at me. I have done some shopping while we have been up here and have bought you some clothes and a few other bits and pieces.

Today you had another first, you found your feet! You started trying to pull your toes off and cracked it when they wouldn't come off, it was so funny little man and you are so cute playing with your hands and feet all the time, it wont be long before those little hands are playing with toys and those little feet are running around as fast as they can go. I look forward to watching you grow up little man and watching you become the man you will be one day in the future. I reall hope that i get it right and that you grow up well adjusted and with the confidance to beleive in your dreams.

2010-04-20T22:05:00.000+10:00

Tuesday 20th April

My beautiful baby boy,

Today marks one year since the doctor told me that I didn't have a tummy bug and that I was pregnant. What an amazing year it has been, from feeling you getting bigger inside of me and week to week following what was devloping and growing now to giving birth to you and then for the last four months watching you grow and discover new things all the time. I love you so much little man.

You have been so good the past two days, full of smiles and giggles
and cooing and gaaing all the time. Everybody that meets you thinks
that you are beautiful, smart and completly georgeous. It seems
everybody falls in love with you the moment they meet you. I love
watching you interact with people, always so taken with new faces and
new places. It makes me smile to see you already trying to interact
with and explore your world.

Yesterday you decided it was time for a new trick and so when I was
giving you tummy time you decided you had enough of that and suddenly
you flipped yourself over on to your back then you lay there grinning
up at me so proud of your new trick. I know that you could tell that
mummy was so proud of you because not long after you decided it was
time to roll from your back to your tummy. You are so clever little
man, now that you have rolled over I know that it won't be long until
you start crawling and then walking.

Today we spent some of the morning meeting up with some people mummy
had been talking to on the computer. We went to a playcentre and while
their children played you showed the girls how strong you are in tummy
time. After we finished at the play centre we looked at baby clothes
in a nice shop and I bought you a new top and some cute shoes. This
afternoon you were exhausted from your busy morning and slept from two
to four thirty. I was going to take you for a swim but by the time you
woke up it had cooled too much for you so instead we had our first
bath together.

Tomorrow we will be taking your first trip to the beach and if it's
warm enough we will go for a swim in the rock pools.

I love you little man
Mummy.

Townsville

2010-04-18T23:42:00.000+10:00

Dear Samuel,
You and I are on our first holiday. We spent most of today travelling
and at last arrived in Townsville to see nanna. You have been so good
today, on the car ride you slept most of the way only waking for a
bottle and some fun with daddy. At the airport you loved looking
around at all the new sights and all the new people and then we got
had to say goodbye to daddy and get on the plane. It was sad for me to
say goodbye to dad, I hate being away from him and I know he hates
being away from us. The plane ride was a little bumpy, we had a nice
man sitting next to us who helped me entertain you and keep you happy
but despite that you were a little cranky as it was way past your
bedtime, you slept on and off throughout the whole trip and only had
one or two times when you cried. After what felt like forever we got
to Townsville and nanna was waiting, she took you out of my arms and
has given you so many hugs and kisses.

It's going to be hard being away from dad but hopefully will have a
good time anyway. Daddy already misses us he cried when the plane took
off because he won't have us for the next little while.

Tonight you are sleeping in nannas room, it's weird for me going to
bed without you near by and right now I am thinking of coming and
kidnapping you away from nanna to bring back into bed with me.

2010-04-12T21:30:00.002+10:00

Dear Samuel,

While you have still been a little unsettled on and off recently your sleep is getting so much better. You now sleep during the day on your own instead of only sleeping in my arms. I can usualy get you to sleep from 8.30 - 9.30 then 11am - 1pm and sometimes if I am lucky you will also do another hour or so in the afternoon around 3pm. You are going to bed most nights by around 7.00pm and are sleeping until anywhere from 10pm - 2am before waking for a feed. Most mornings you wake at around 5am for another feed and then come into bed with me and dad, unless you have come to bed with us earlier.

Since you started sleeping better so much has changed for us, when you are awake you are a much happier baby and are often content to play on your mat or in your swing as well as giving me lots of smiles and gooing at me all the time. Your smiles are so beautiful little man, they really light up my world. I love watching you watch the world around you, it is a beautiful thing to see you taking interest in what is happening and as I try to get down on your level and try to see things from the way I imagine you must see things I feel as though I am discovering the world for the first time. Too see you take great joy in banging your rattle around or touching the cats makes me smile and when you laugh I can't help but laugh with you.

This week you have become even more interactive, when I talk to you you coo back at me, when you come to bed with me you try to stroke my forhead in the way i stroke yours when I am putting you to sleep at night, its so beautiful almost like you are trying to put me to sleep. You have started giggling when I play peek a boo with you and when I sing silly songs with you. You love looking at peoples faces and when we go and see our friends you love looking at their baby, it won't be so long little man before you and her are playing together and I can't wait to see you playing and interacting with the other children around you.

Since you started on the new formula you have been so much better, you vomit less and seem to be in less pain, you don't seem to mind the formula too much or rather you tolerate it just like you did the ones we used before this. I don't think you like it so much though as you keep trying to push the bottle away and then not long later start crying because you are hungry. I can not wait until you get to six months old and I can start giving you solid foods, I can't wait to see you play with the food and discover new tastes.

Over Easter we let someone else babysit you for the first time. It was so scary for me little man to let somebody that wasn't me, daddy or nanna look after you but by all accounts you had a wonderful time. I couldn't wait to get you home that day and all I wanted to do was hold you in my arms once you got home but I couldn't because it was bedtime, I ended up making up for it though by bringing you in to bed with me a fair bit earlier then I usualy do.

Right now we are preparing for your first hoilday. On Sunday we are off to Townsville to visit nanna. I'm excited but also scared about flying with you but I know that we will manage it and it will be good for you to see nanna again.

I love you little man
Mummy

2010-04-07T21:23:00.000+10:00

Dear Samuel,

Today we have had a rough day but no matter how rough the day is going, no matter how tired I am or hard I am finding it to cope the moment you smile at me the world seems a better place. Your smile feels me with such happiness and joy and makes all the trials we go through somehow seem worth it. You are so special to me little boy, you are the reason I get out of bed in the morning, you are the reason that I strive to complete my university degree as once I do I will be able to work a good job and have enough money to give you a good life. Because of you I strive to be a better person, because of you there is joy in my life, because of you I have learnt how to be flexable, because of you I have learnt how to love unconditionaly and be loved unconditionaly, because of you my life is better now then it has ever been before. Between your father and you I have found so much joy, so much love and so much contentness. When the days are rough and the nights are long I try to remind myself of this.

We think that you are teething at the moment, your gum feels rough, you have be irritable, you have been sleeping badly, eating badly and just not yourself. It seems early for you to be teething but I have been assured by quite a few people that it is possiable for it to start happening this early and that it might still be another month or so before the tooth will cut through. You are learning new things all the time and I love to watch you looking around your world so interested in everything that you can see. You are now holding your head up on your own fairly well and for quite a good length of time before you get tired, you are also almost sitting up on your own we only really need to steady you otherwise you fall sideways.

2010-04-02T21:24:00.000+11:00

Last weekend we went to Melbourne too see Teena. You were so much
better this trip then the previous one. You slept in the ergo carrier
all the way from Morwell to Melbourne and then were quite happy in
your pram as we looked around the shops. It was only as afternoon
turned into evening that you got grizzly and that was only because you
were so tired little man. Teena was so happy to see you and gave you
lots of cuddles, you happily cooed at her and made her laugh with your
adorable little giggle. Teena, another friend of hers and I were all
getting ready to go out but you proved to be a distraction little man,
because we were busy playing with you we ended up being two hours late
going out but it doesn't matter because you are worth it. Friday night
you slept so well at teena's and snuggled in beside me like usual. We
headed home Saturday evening after looking around the shops and you
were so exhausted that you went straight to bed when we got home.

On Sunday we had a busy day we had lunch at a friends house and then
you, daddy and I went to your three month photo shoot. You were so
good for the photographer and lasted a whole hour and a half before
you had enough. I can't wait to see the photos as I know there are
going to be some beautiful ones there.

This week we haven't done much, a friend of mine has visited a couple
of times and we went shopping once but that's about it. This week I
have been focusing on you and trying to teach you to sleep better
during the day. It's been so hard little man as I have needed to leave
you to cry for two minutes and even hearing you cry for that short
amount of time breaks my heart. I hate hearing you cry even when I
know your just complaining and not even really upset it's hard all I
want to do is pick you up and hold you close to me and that's exactly
what I do as soon as I know you are really upset or after a couple of
minutes. I come back to you, pick you up, hold you close and tell you
how much I love you. Remember little man I will always be there for
you when you are upset, I will never leave you to cry on your own when
you are really upset because I love you and want you to know how loved
you are.

Your voice seems to have changed in the last few days and I don't know
if it's normal because you are getting a little older or if you are
not feeling well. You are not drinking much either so I suspect that
you may have a sore throat, I hate seeing you unwell, and I know
something is wrong because you have been very grizzly and clingy.

2010-03-31T21:24:00.000+11:00

It's been a little while since I last wrote to you little man, not
because of anything you have done but because I have not been very
well. We have had a fairly big week this past week and you have
handled it quite well.

Instead of being at home day in day out a friend took the two of us
shopping. You loved riding in the infant seat on her stroller up high
where you could see everything and be facing me, I wish we had a
stroller like that for you. That was last Monday. On Tuesday I had to
go to the dentist so my friend stef watched you while i was there. It
was the first time I had left you with anybody else and was quite a
scary thing for me to do but you were so good for stef.

On Thursday we had an appointment with the paedtrician and at last we
have the reason why you have been so unwell. You have cows milk
protein allergy, lactose and soy intollerance. Now that we know what
is wrong we can do something to fix it.

2010-03-18T22:30:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,
Today you are 12 weeks old. I can not beleive how quickly that time
has gone or how quickly you are changing. Sometimes I look at you and
I can see the child/teenager/adult that you are going to become and
while I hope that life treats you well and leads you down nice paths I
am not in any hurry for you to grow up. I think that no matter what
happens you will always be my baby boy and no matter how big you get I
will never forget the tiny newborn I held in my arms 12 weeks ago.

You have been better this week, your temp has gone and the bad nappy
rash is almost healed. Yesterday we went and saw the paedtrician about
your feeding issues and he beleives that you are intollerent to either
lactose or the proteins in cows milk. We have a new formula to try and
will go and see the doctor again next week to evaluate how you are
going. I really hope this works as I hate seeing you in pain and
vomiting after every feed.

Daddy and I have been discussing your school future this week. We both
want the best for you but until you are a little older we don't know
what education system will suit you. At the moment we are thinking of
sending you to a private school that has fantastic facilitys and a lot
of extra currilica activitys that you can take part in. We don't know
if private is the way to go but are looking into it to put your name
down just in case.

This week you have two new tricks. You can now roll fro
your side to your back andyour side to your stomach. As well as that
you have got really good at grasping an object and holding on to it.
You love the rattle we bought you and have been shaking it around like
mad and then getting upset when you drop it.

2010-03-14T23:27:00.000+11:00

My little man,
Words can not even begin to describe how happy you made me today. You
were having an unsettled day where nothing was calming you for longer
then a few moments and so after trying everything else I decided to
try offering you a feed from me. To my complete amazement and
overwhelming joy you took it and quite happily fed for a good ten
minutes. I was so surprised that it worked after not putting you near
the breast in five weeks that I called to dad so that he could see as
well. I sat there with you nursing and tears of joy running down my
face content with the knowledge that it may have only worked this once
but that you wanted me and that I was boosting your immune system in
those precious moments together. Words can not begin to express the
love I have for you, a love that grows stronger day by day, week by
week. I don't think my love for you will ever stop growing and I hope
that as you grow up I am always able to make you feel loved and
supported.

Sweet dreams little man
Mummy

2010-03-11T23:39:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,
Another week gone by and you are now 11 weeks old. 11 weeks with you
in my life and it's almost as though my life only began when yours
did. The time before you were here seems like a lifetime ago and a
world away from where I am today and it's a world that I am more then
happy to leave behind. I know I tell you and write this often but you
really do make me so very happy. Your smile lights up my day and makes
everything in my world seem so much brighter. I love the mornings when
I wake up with you beside me and I look down at you to find that your
already awake and smiling at me. It doesn't matter how little sleep I
may have had or how I am feeling your smile makes everything okay.

You have been unwell this week with what the doctor thinks is just an
infection so you are taking antibiotics and panadol to help keep your
fever down. You being unwell is scary for me as I feel so helpless and
know there is nothing else I can do to help you. Hopefully it won't be
long before you are better and back to your normal self.

2010-03-07T23:52:00.000+11:00

Dearest baby boy,

You haven't been well this weekend, you've had a mild fever, a rash on
your face, stomach and nappy area and have been quite restless, your
reflux over the weekend has also been quite bad. It's frustrating for
daddy and I when your not well. Not because we are frustrated with you
but we get frustrated that there is only so much we can do to try and
make you feel better and when we have done everything in our power and
you are still unwell it makes us sad.

Honey you mean the world to me, you have given me a reason to live and
are my motivation to do everything I can to better myself and give you
the best that I can. There is so much that I want for you, so much I
want to teach you, to show you and experiences I can't wait to share
with you. You, daddy and I are going to see the world, to learn about
other cultures, to experience other ways of life. My goal is to take
you to visit all seven continents on earth. Never ever doubt that I
love you, even if you can not see me my love will be with you always.

Mummy.

2010-03-02T23:51:00.000+11:00

My sweet little boy,
Today has been an up and down day. This morning you were so good, you
slept well and even had a nap in your bassinet. You fed well and were
happy and full of smiles, you even stopped sucking on your bottle to
look in to my eyes and grin at me. I held you on my lap and we talked
about going to visit nanna in a few weeks time. You were so happy and
cooed back at me. This evening something changed and you got really
upset, you cried and cried and nothing seemed to make it better. You
were full, you had a clean nappy and I was holding you close, rocking
you gently and talking to you softly but nothing made it better.
Eventually you fell asleep in my arms but woke again when we tried to
put you to bed. You fell asleep with daddy in the end but fell into
such a deep sleep that I became worried because nothing was waking
you. Then just as I gave you a kiss and said good night you opened
your eyes for a moment, looked at me and smiled then closed them again
and I knew you were okay. Being a mum isn't easy, I have never known
such overwhelming love combined with such fear and paranoia that
something will go wrong. It is so hard to sleep some nights because
all I want to do is sit up and watch you breathing so that I know you
are okay.

On the weekend we had a BBQ to celebrate you being here with us. A few
of our friends came and we had a nice evening with good food and good
company. Everybody loves you and everybody wanted to hold you. You
delighted all your guests with a beautiful smile and a delightful
giggle. Uncle Andrew's girlfriend was so happy that she could make you
giggle. The daughter of one of our friends was quite taken with you
and kept giving you hugs and kisses all night. So at only nine weeks
old you had your first BBQ and it was a success, well done little man.

You have learnt a new trick in the last two days, you can now roll
from your side to your back and from your back to your side. It won't
be long before you can roll all the way over. You are getting stronger
at tummy time too and can now hold your head up for quite a while
before you are tired and have had enough.

I love you my sweet boy
Mummy

2010-02-26T21:42:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,

This week you have been very up and down, sometimes happy and settling well for sleep and other times screaming and not calming down regardless of what we do. Its hard very hard when you are crying and I don't know how to make it better but I do what I can and hold you close because thats the only thing I can do.

You are growing bigger all the time and sometimes when I look at you I can almost see what you are going to be like in a few years time, almost see the handsome little man that you are going to be and I feel so proud and so pleased that I am your mother. Sometimes I watch you while you are sleeping and don't want to look away, want to make this picture of my beautiful little boy asleep stay with me forever and i know that it will. I know that I will always remember be little baby that I held in my arms, that i fed and changed diapers for, who I taught right from wrong, and helped guide to becomming a wonderful man with a beautiful future. You are my light sweetheart, when I am feeling down and the world seems like a dark place all I have to do is look at you and I know that everything will be alright.

You haven't done anything new this week but are getting better at the things you have been doing for a little while. You smile at us all the time and your smile lights up your entire face, you coo and giggle and attempt to hold your head up. When you do tummy time these days you look like you are doing mini push ups and it is so very cute.

Looking forward to seeing you devlope more and more
Love always
Mummy

2010-02-25T14:43:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,

You cry and it pains me to know there is nothing I can do to fix it
beyond holding you close and letting you know that I love you. I hate
to know that you are not feeling well and wish that I could just make
it all better. So honey if you are sad and there is nothing I can do
never be afraid to still come to me. I will always be here a shoulder
to cry on, a sounding board to help you work through problems and
always your mother who loves you so very much.

You are grumpy today as a result of you vaccination even now after
getting it done I am still in two minds. Part of me wishes I hadn't
done it but another part of me wants to do what ever I can to make
sure you don't get sick.

2010-02-19T22:07:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,
You are eight weeks old now, time has gone by so quickly, it feels
like only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms for the first
time and welcoming you to the world but that was almost two months
ago. Today we saw the child health nurse and she is very happy with
your progress. You are measuring perfect on the 50th percentile for
weight but a bit under average at the 25th percentile for length. Your
hearing and everything else is perfect and she commented on how strong
you are.

Today has been a good day, we slept until 10.30am and then had a feed
and a play and you even went to sleep in your bassinet for an hour and
a half, something you never want to do during the day. You were happy
for most of the day too but got a really sooky tonight, I think that
you are just a little overtired which always makes it harder for you
to get to sleep.

Two days ago we had a huge scare, we were walking to the shops to go
and see a movie when a car came speeding down the road did burnouts
and almost hit us. If we had of been ten seconds earlier on that
road... The thought that I came so close to losing you terrifies me, I
can't imagine my world without you in it and I know I don't want to
live in a world without you in it. It makes me afraid to leave the
house with you, terrified that it will happen again and that next time
we will be that ten extra seconds down the road. I would do anything
to protect you my baby boy even if it meant I had to give my life for
yours. Please gorgeous boy don't turn into one of those hoons on the
road. It may seem like fun to speed and do burnouts but it is so
dangerous not only for you but for the innocent people going about
there day. I hope that as you grow up we are able to teach you to
respect other people and to think of the consequences of your actions
before you do something stupid.

Love always
Mummy

2010-02-16T22:09:00.001+11:00

My dearest Samuel,

As I write this daddy is feeding you and you are happily having your
bottle at the same time as dozing. You haven't fed as much today as
you usualy do but I am not so worried as everything else is normal.
This morning after your bottle I decided to try and see if you wanted
to nurse from me as I had a fair bit of milk and wanted you to have
it. To my joy you did nurse while only for a short period of time it
was long enough for me to feel like you do want my milk. In some ways
things are starting to settle down into a sort of routine now. While
days are still messy and I never know what you are going to do or want
the nights now are usualy the same. We get you into your bed somewhere
between 9.00pm and 10.00pm and you sleep until daddy gets you up for a
dream/night feed between one and two in the morning. After that feed
and a nappy change you go back to sleep and sleep through until around
5.30am (though sometimes this can be as late as six or seven am) when
I give you your morning bottle. We go back to bed after this with you
coming into our bed and sleeping in my arms or against me until we get
up at about 10.30. At this time our day starts, we get up, get
dressed, you have another bottle and I have breakfast. After breakfast
we might go out to the shops or have a visitor. If it's just the two
of us you play on your playmat for a while while I do some housework
and then we sing some songs, read a book, pat the cat then I try to
settle you for a nap. After this point anything can happen with our
day.

When I look at you I am filled with such an overwhelming love that I
don't know how I ever lived without you in my life. It seems like a
hundred years have passed since it was just me and your dad and while
life is much different now to what it was then I wouldn't change a
thing. You make me happier then I have ever been before, happier then
I can put into words. I want so much to guide you and help you grow up
a wonderful human being. I can not wait to show you the world and
watch you explore it.

2010-02-12T20:06:00.002+11:00

My darling little boy,
I love you so much that it is hard for me anytime I have to be away from you. Within an hour of being away from you all I want is to be home, or if you are out with dad have you home, and be able to hold you close to me and tell you that I love you. Sometimes when I think about you, hold you or watch you sleep I am filled with such an overwhelming love that fills every part of me, this is what unconditional love feels like and its something that I hope you area able to experience for your own child one day far into the future.

Most of this week you have been unwell, your reflux has been bad, you have had oral thrush again and with it being hot all week you have not been sleeping well but today you had a pretty good day. You didn't cry as much as other days and even let me put you down on your play mat for small periods of time when usualy you won't let me put you down at all. You don't like sleeping on your own during the day and while I am afraid that it will teach you bad sleeping habits I can't help but want to lay down with you and hold you close while you are sleeping. Every morning after your six o clock feed I take you back to bed with me so that the two of us can both get a little more rest before getting up for the day. During the day, usualy in the afternoon we have a nap together. I love these quite moments when you are sleeping peaceful and I can relax knowing that for this moment in time there is nothing that I have to do but be with you. I am so careful to place you away from where any pillows or blankets could fall on you and suffocate you and so careful to have you in the centre of the bed so that there is no way you could fall off. At first I was scared of having you in the bed with me but now that I am figuring out how to do it I don't feel afraid anymore, it feels right and natural. When you think how the rest of the world sleeps with their babies then this is the tradional way, it was normal for the baby and sometimes the whole family to share a bed with their parents in years gone past and sometimes i think that its sad that its now consider to be a bad thing.

I love you little man and hope that dad gets home with you shortly so that I can hold you in my arms, give you a kiss and tell you that I love you.

Love always
Mummy.

2010-02-09T20:31:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,

You are having a bad day today and I don't know how to help you. Nothing that we try seems to be working you just keep crying and crying until you are so exhausted you can't cry anymore and then after a short nap you are crying again. It seems the only time you have stopped crying today is when the lady was hear taking the moulds so we can get plaster casts of your tiny feet and hands. I wish that there was something that I could do to make it better for you, to take away what ever it is that is making you so upset, I am doing everything that I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough to fix it for you. I know that your stomach hurts as a result of the reflux and its been a hot day I am doing my best by giving you reflux formula and trying to keep you cool. I just want to make it all better for you little man, want to take the pain away, take the heat away and make you comfortable and happy.

Yesterday was a fairly good day, I was and still am so proud of you because you lifted your head and held it up for a few moments all on your own while doing tummy time. You don't like tummy time much and will only tolerate it for short periods of time but everyday I can see your neck getting stronger, every day you get a little better at it. To some people it may just be a small thing but it made me so happy to see that you are progressing, growing and learning everyday.

Even on the tough days like today I still love you and still want to do what I can to help make it better and make you happy.

Love
Mummy

2010-02-04T21:24:00.003+11:00

Dear Samuel,

Its funny how a period of time can seem so long one moment yet so long at another time. I remember twelve weeks ago when I was 34 weeks pregnant six weeks felt like an eternity, it felt like I would never get to meet you and that I had been pregnant for ever. Now six weeks since your birth and it seems like only yesterday that I held you in my arms for the first time. Six weeks, the same length of time but it has felt so very different. It's also strange how quickly something can change in a matter of days. The night I gave birth to you my life changed in the blink of an eye and I now couldn't imagine any other life, the life I had without you in it seems pale in comparison to the richness that you are already adding to my life. Every day I tell you I love you, every day I tell you that I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. I could never imagine trying to explain how strong this love feels to anyone who has not had their own child.

While on the topic of time and how quickly things can change it makes me sad reading back over the last two letters I wrote you. To think that on a Friday I felt positive that things could get better, that we could make breastfeeding work and that we would get someone and then only a few days later on Monday things had gone so badly that I made the call that it was time to stop trying to force it. There are many reasons I decided that it was time to stop breastfeeding you my baby but the biggest reason was that every feed was a fight, every feed you would cry and scream and bash at my breasts and then I would get upset because you were upset. I didn't want both of us to keep going like that, for both of us to get upset multiple times a day just didn't make sense to me. The day I decided it was time to stop someone said something that really hit home to me. They pointed out that trying to force you to breastfeed was almost the same as if I was using controlled crying when it came to sleep time. As I refuse to use controled crying I realised that I was doing just that every feed time.

I thought that I was at peace with the idea of stopping breastfeeding but yesterday when we were out shopping I saw a sign that said breastfeeding welcome and burst into tears, tonight watching Daddy and Uncle Josh give you your bottles I have felt sad that I can not breastfeed you and have missed that closeness that breastfeeding gave me with you. I feel sad that I can not feed you the way that nature intended despite knowing that there are many reasons why we couldn't. I didn't/don't have the supply to give you what you need, you never really learnt to suck and stimulate me making more due to being in the nursery and then it never came out quick enough to satisfy your hunger and then just this week we have found out that you have reflux and may also be lactose intollerant, if that's so then its no wonder you didn't want to feed of me considering the belly ache it must of been giving you. Despite all these things I still feel sad and I still just want to put you to the breast in the hope that things will magicaly be better, in the hope that you will suddenly get it and I will suddenly make enough milk and things will just work. Its a pity that things don't work that way. So all I can do now is continue to express until I am not getting anything so that you at least have a tiny bit of my milk.

I know deep down that I made the right choice when it comes to feeding at least this way we can both enjoy the time we spend together without fighting, I just have to adjust to the idea that it doesn't matter if I can't breastfeed you because you love me regardless as much as I love you.

Mummy.

2010-02-01T23:21:00.000+11:00

Dearest Samuel,
Today I had to make the heartbreaking decision that it is time to give
up breastfeeding. My beautiful boy I have tried everything there is to
try to make this work for us, herbs, special foods, medication from
the doctor, massage, warm compresses, different holds, tube feeding,
trying to coax you with the dummy or a bottle and swapping everything.
I wanted so much to give you the very best but it's just working out.
I don't know what else I can do now except to say okay I have done my
best but now it's time to let it go. If I don't every feedtime is
going to continue to be a fight and I don't want to look back on this
special time with resentment that every day felt like a battle. I want
to remember this time as one of the best times in my life. I'm sorry I
couldn't make it work little man, I so wanted too and I love the
closeness I feel when we do have a good feed but every feed is getting
harder and I feel it's better for us to both be happy then to be
stressed and upset over this.

There is a lesson in all of this baby boy, sometimes in life it's okay
to say enough is enough. When you have tried everything you can to
make something work and it all fails there is no shame in giving up.
As long as you tried your hardest and gave it your best I will always
be proud of you no matter the cicumstance.

I love you little man
Mum

2010-01-29T21:20:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,

The last twenty four hours have been an emotional rollercoaster. Last
night you starting screaming anytime I tried to put you to the breast
and it really upset me. I started really having to consider giving up
this morning when you kept screaming any time I tried to feed you and
by this afternoon I was at the end of my rope and didn't know what to
do. So I let nana look after you while I went and had coffee with a
friend. When I arrived home you were awake and happily kicking your
legs and waving your arms around on your mat on the floor. As soon as
you heard my voice you began looking around for me, the moment I came
over to you, you looked up at me, smiled and my heart melted. It was
at this moment that I decided I would continue trying to get
breastfeeding work at least for a little longer. At your next feed I
again tried the supplement system and this time you nursed and took
happily from me for about half an hour. I just tried the sns again and
again you took from me. You were sucking for half an hour and when you
came off I realized that the tube was too far back which means the
entire time you were having my milk. This has made me feel so much
better and while I know we may still have to give up I have found the
strength to continue trying for a little longer.

First smile and first tonque poke

2010-01-28T20:32:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,

Five weeks old today, how time flies. Everyday you are growing, sometimes I could almost beleive that I can see you growing in front of my eyes while I watch. Every week brings changes physicaly in you as well as in the things you seems to be able to do. This week you have started smiling at us, not just wind smiles but real smiles that lights up your whole face, smiles where while you are smiling at us you hold eye contact with us. Everytime I see one of your smiles it doesn't matter how tired I am or how bad I might be feeling your smile makes me smile. Seeing you smile, knowing that you are happy brings me such comfort and joy and the knowdlege that despite our breastfeeding problems that I am a good mother and that you are happy and healthy. As well as your smile you have started interacting more with us and have learnt to stick your tonque out at us. It is so cute when you stick your tonque out at us but your such a smart little boy child that you stick your tonque out at us 'after' we have stuck ours out at you.

This week has mostly been quiet. We went and saw the lactation consultant again and have been trying a new feeding system that lets you have both breast and formula at the same time, again showing how smart you are you have figured out how to get rid of the nipple and just get your milk from the tube so I am having to watch carefully to make sure you are getting both. So far I don't know if I can call it a success but we are at least trying it and as I have said to everyone around me I will try everything I can before giving up on trying breastfeed you and even then I will continue to give you the little bit I can until I am no longer making any milk.

My darling boy, you have bought such joy and happiness into my world, into the dark that I was living in you have brought light. I look around me and everything seems different, the world feels like a new place full of potential, full of good things and while there are bad things out there the good things right now far outweigh any of those bad things.

Thank you for bringing the joy in to my life little man, the day you came in to our life our world became a better place.

Love
Mummy.

You did it!

2010-01-23T22:31:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,

Tonight you have made me so happy. Tonight you nursed for a good amount of time, suckling the whole time apart from a tiny winge right at the start, not only did you nurse for a long period of time but you fed until you went to sleep and then when we put you in your bassinet you stayed asleep.

This has made me happy for a few reasons the first of course if because of how difficult a time we have been having trying to feed, some days you don't want me at all so it feels so nice to have had you want me.

The second reason I am happy is because you nursed to sleep without the need for a formula top up. Only earlier today I was wondering if there would ever be even one feed that you didn't take formula after and now only hours later you have given that to me.

The last reason I am happy is that you fed to sleep. We have been having lots of trouble getting you to sleep this week but today has been different. Without anyone here to interrupt us your father and I have paid close attention to you and the signs you give us that you are tired. As soon as we have seen the signs that you are tired we have started trying to settle you to sleep and as a result of this we have not had any of those moments where you are so over tired that you scream and scream and nothing we can do will get you to settle. So to have you settle again was fantastic but to have you settle while feeding from me felt even better.

Thank you little man I now feel like things will work out, that because you have done it once I know that you can do it again. I am so proud of you little man you are doing so well for such a tiny little boy so new to this world.

Love always your happy and proud
Mummy

2010-01-20T16:26:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,
This time four weeks ago I was sitting in the chair that I am sitting in right now timing contractions. They were starting to come much more frequently and were becomming much more painful. It was about this time that I knew that I was really in labour and would be meeting you soon. I thought that labour would take hours and hours so when you were born only five hours after we arrived at the hospital I was very surprised and so happy to meet you and hold you in my arms at last.

There are so many things I want to do with you as you grow up, so many experiences that I want to share with you and your daddy. I want us to go overseas and explore the world, I want to teach you how important family is and have you know that your family will always love and support you. I want to show you that its the simple things in life that matter. You don't need to spend a lot of money and have all the latest gadgets to be happy, to be happy all you need in life is a safe roof over your head, a warm bed to sleep in at night, enough good quality healthy food to fill your belly and love and acceptance from your family. It doesn't matter what else you own, if you have these things, if you understand that these things are what is important then you are rich in greater ways then money could ever allow you to be.

Today I had to leave you for a few hours so that I could go and see the doctor and do some food shopping, the whole time I was out all I could think about was getting home to you as quickly as I could. I hate leaving you even for short periods of time, time is passing so quickly that I don't want to miss a moment of your young life. Sometimes I watch you when you are sleeping and think how lucky I am to have you.

Four weeks ago at this point in time I didn't have a clue how much my life was about to change or how much I could love such a little human being. I love you more then all the stars in the sky, I love you more then all the grains of sand on the earth. I love you more today then I did yesterday but not as much as I will love you tomorrow. My love for you grows stronger and deeper with every passing day. Thank you my little man for showing me how deep love can be, thank you for showing me that I can love and be loved without fearing that I will lose that love. Now I know how it feel to love and be loved unconditionaly.

In four weeks you have grown so much and everyday you seem to want to interact with us more and more. When I feed you often you gaze up into my eyes, when I talk to you, sing to you or read to you I know you are listening as your focus is all on me. I can't wait for the day that I hear you call me mum or hear you tell me that you love me, until that day I will tell you how much I love you over and over again so that you grow up knowing that your mummy always loved you no matter what else was happening.

A rough few days.

2010-01-16T23:39:00.002+11:00

Dearest Samuel,

We have had an adventure the last few days, going to Melbourne for your Godmother Teena to meet you and for me to get away from home just for a few days. Even now that we are home I don't know if going away was the right thing to do. It was just me and you and it was scary being away from you father feeling like I couldn't ask Teena to help me if I needed it. (though she insisted on helping anyway)

I think it was bad timing to go away as you were not as settled as you usualy are but that didn't start until we got there and I can't blame you for being unsettled, you were in a new environment, I was stressed and tired, I had to give you a new formula and couldn't express which meant more then likely that I didn't have enough milk for you and on top of all of that you have oral thrush at the moment which must make it uncomfortable and a little painful to feed as well and I think you also have a touch of colic making your little tummy hurt.

What ever it was making you unsettled there were times that I found it really hard to deal with. I felt like I didn't know how to settle you as nothing I did seemed to make it any better, I checked your nappy and you were dry and clean, I had just fed you trying the breast before you got really worked up and pushed me away then giving you bottle until you had drank so much you started bringing it back up. I tried skin to skin contact, wrapping you, not wrapping you, pacing with you, rocking you and nothing seemed to work except for letting you suck my finger or giving you a bottle. You were crying and were all red in the face with tears streaming down your face and I couldn't handle seeing you so upset so I got upset and started crying myself. The first time this happened we were in the middle of Melbourne central shopping centre I knew you were hungry that time but I couldn't find anywhere to feed you and then it kept happening once we got to Teena's. I thought that I was a bad mummy, that I didn't know how to be a mummy because I couldn't figure out what was wrong, getting home today and seeing you still have problems with nanna and dad trying to sooth you showed me that its not just me but that its just that you are not feeling very well at the moment. Hopefully you will feel better soon and we will get things working better.

Right now I am considering if I should get you a dummy or not. I always said that no child of mine would ever have a dummy but you clearly love sucking and it clearly gives you comfort when nothing else will comfort you. I have been researching it all night and my research tells me that while it may put you at risk of some things like dental and speech development problems it could also help you deal with pain and discomfort as well as reducing the risk of sudden infant death syndrome. Nanna Kerry wants me to give you a dummy to see if it helps but right now I am unsure if it is the right thing to do. Part of me still thinks I don't want you to have it while another part thinks that if it could make your pain less and make you feel better when nothing else will that I am a bad mummy if I don't get you one. I will discuss this with your daddy tomorrow and then we will decide what we should do.

Right now I want to tell you something important. When you are upset, when you are frustrated and crying or screaming at me sometimes I get upset too but its not you I am upset at. I am upset because you are upset, I am frustrated because you are frustrated and I don't know how to make things better for you. I don't want you to be in pain, I don't want you to cry your little heart out and it upsets me to see you so upset because I love you so much. I know what it is like to cry for a long period of time, I know how bad it can make you feel and I never want you to feel that way.

I love you my beautiful little boy, some days might be hard, sometimes there may be times when I wonder if I can be a good mum or wonder if I did the right thing having you but it only lasts a moment because when I look at you I am filled with such love that it takes away the bad feelings and I know that while I may never be a perfect mum as long as I always do what i beleive is best for you that will be all that matters. You are my little man and such a precious gift from the great ones and I can not imagine what my life would be like now after only a few weeks if I had never had you.

It's okay to ask for help in life.

2010-01-11T22:04:00.003+11:00

Dear Samuel,
This evening marks two weeks since we arrived home from the hospital, two weeks since we were thrown into this new world that we have had to make sense of on our own without the midwife and hospital staff there to step in if I am doing wrong.

The last two weeks have been a steep learning curve, I have had to learn how to manage on a lot less sleep then I am use too as well as learn how to nap when ever I have had the chance too but the biggest lesson for me (apart from learning to look after you) has been to ask other people for help when I have needed it. For as long as I can remember I have had problems asking people for help, afraid that they would think less of me or be annoyed with me for asking but since I had you I have learnt that it is okay to ask for help as long as I am not expecting someone to completly change their life and plans or expecting them to do something that would leave them in a bad position. As you grow up little man I hope that you will learn that it is okay to ask for help when you need it. I hope that you will know that your father and I will always be here for you and will do what ever we can to help you if you ever need it whether it be helping physicaly, emotionaly or with advice we will never turn you away if you come to us and need our help. We will do our best as you grow up to teach you what we can so that you find you are able to help yourself but I hope that we can teach you that it is not weak to ask for help, sometimes in this world there are things that we just can't do alone and must ask for help.

Love
Mummy

2010-01-10T22:38:00.003+11:00

Dear Samuel,

The last few days have been all over the place some of them have been good and some of them have been bad but even on the bad days I never ever doubt that I did the wrong thing by having you. The bad days are only bad because I want so much to do the right thing by you and breastfeed you for at least the first six months of your life and some days its just really hard as you get frustrated and hot or tired and you don't feel like trying to feed from me. I understand though, the last thing I would want when it is hot outside is to be that close to another hot body and it must be frustrating for you having got use to bottles to suddenly have to work for more of your food then you usualy do. Yesterday was one of the worse days but we got through it just like we will get through any more bad days that come our way.

The highlight of the last few days was that my brother, your Uncle Luke came down to visit us and spent a few days here. Before he got here I didn't know how he would be with you but he fell in love with you as soon as he saw you and was stopping to kiss you or hug you everytime he walked past. I have photos of him with you and they are beautiful photos. He was so worried about you, asking all the time if you were okay and when you were sleeping, stopping to check that you were still breathing. I hope that he comes and visits us again soon but he lives quite a distance away so it may be a while before he can get down again. Even if he doesn't come down very often just know that Uncle Luke loves you very very much my little man.

Today you have been so good, I have worked out that if I give you a few mouthfuls of your bottle before nursing you that you show more interest in drinking from me and suck for longer then you would if I put you straight there, i think that when you first wake you are so hungry that all you can think is 'want food now' and in your frantic attempt to get my breast in your mouth and feed you don't latch on so good which frustrates you and causes you to cry and cry and cry but if we give you that little bit of bottle first you have a tiny bit in your belly and are able to try harder to nurse with me.

We have taken so many photos of you little man, every day we take more, I just can't help myself you are so beautiful and I don't want to miss a moment of your life, before I know it you will be all grown up and I will be wondering where all that time went. Here are some of the photo's from the last few days that I like the best. My favorite is the one with you and dad asleep in our bed, you look so happy and content in your fathers arms. I wonder if you feel as safe in his arms as I do?

Purpose

2010-01-05T15:10:00.002+11:00

Dear Samuel,

I fall in love with you more and more everyday and as everyday passes I wonder how I ever lived life without you in it. In under two weeks you have turned my world upside down and I like it much more now then I did before you were here with us. You have brought your father and I closer together then we have been in a long time, watching you when you sleep brings a smile to my face even when I am exhausted or feeling a little blue.

For a long time I have been searching for my purpose in life, no matter where i turned things didn't seem to make sense, there have always been things I wanted/want to do but nothing that gave me the this is it, this is my purpose in life type of feeling... until now. When I look at you I know my purpose you have given me a greater purpose in my life then I ever thought I would find. I know that my purpose right now is to raise a healthy, happy man that is independant and can stand on his own two feet yet doesn't feel that he can do everything on his own. My purpose now is to teach you the things you need to survive in this world, to show you love, to teach you to show love, to teach you that emotions are not something to be afraid of or something that need to be hidden and to teach you that if you work hard at it you can be what ever you want to be. Don't let anyone is this world tell you that your not good enough to do something that you really want to do, don't let anyone talk you out of taking your life by the hand and making what you want out of it and never ever be afraid to dream big little man.

Yesterday we had an appointment at the hospital to get some help for both of us with your feeding. Sometimes you feed really well but other times you don't seem interested in it at all and much prefer your bottle. The nice lady at the hospital really helped me know how to feed you and what we need to do to make this feeding thing work. It will take some work to do it but I know that together you and I can get it working so that you are feeding more from me then you are from the formula in a bottle. I am doing everything I can to increase my supply of milk so that there is enough for you to get full and to remain relaxed and calm so that you don't get stressed at feed time. I think there are few things more beautiful then a mother feeding her baby and I really want to share that beauty with you.

There are so many more things I want to tell you right now but it sounds as though you are about to wake up so I will cut this short so I can make sure that you are okay.

I love you my little man
Mum

Happy new year

2010-01-01T22:11:00.000+11:00

Happy new year my little man,

It feels so right to start a new year fresh with you in our lives. A little over a year ago now I was told that I would never be able to have a baby naturally and that I would need help to get pregnant. On hearing this your father and I had a long discussion and decided that we were going to spend 2009 trying to get pregnant and our new years wish that we made on new years eve 2008 was to have a baby by the end of 2009. Just before new years eve 2008 your father had an accidant and spent months not well, as the year moved in to April I got sad because I thought that my new years eve wish would not come true but then one day I wasn't feeling well so went to the doctor thinking that I must just have a stomach bug to find that instead of having a stomach bug I was pregnant with you. I will never be able to describe the feelings that surged through me when the doctor told me I was pregnant with you, in that moment my whole world began to change and I felt like I was overflowing with joy. As soon as I walked out of the doctors office I called your father to tell him the good news, he was stunned and so very happy and in his shock that we had actauly made you his response was 'how did that happen'. When I got home from the doctors I spent the rest of that night in shock and walking around with a huge grin on my face. You made your father and my new years eve wish come true little man and you arrived with a week to spare.

You made me so happy and proud today Samuel, since we left the hospital on Monday you have been too tired and frustrated to want to feed from me but today you have been trying very hard and everytime I have tried to get you to feed you have, at the very least latched on to me. Tonight a little before you were due to have a bottle you woke up and wanted me. For almost an hour you fed from me and you are so very good at it. Last night I went to bed thinking that we would never make breastfeeding work but tonight I am heading to bed knowing that working together you and I can make this work.

I love you so very much my little man that tonight I am finding it hard to go to bed because I want to sit here and cuddle you and watch you sleep all night, you are so beautiful and so very precious to me.

Love mummy.

One week ago

2009-12-30T18:24:00.000+11:00

Dear Samuel,

This time a week ago I had been in labour with you for about three hours, it was around this time that I realised you were really coming and that after two weeks of contractions starting and stopping these were not stopping and had been getting worse. As I packed the last items that I would need for the hospital in my bag I took a last look around the house thinking to myself that this is it and life would never be the same again. I didn't want to go to the hospital so soon in to labour but your father insisted that we go and I have to say that I am glad he did as once we got to the hospital things became intense very quickly.

It was a little over five hours after we got to the hospital that you made your way into the world and as I heard you cry for the first time my heart surged with the love that I feel for you. When they put you in my arms for the first time I knew that this was the way things were meant to be and that you are the little gift that I had been waiting on for so long. The moment I saw you the pain of giving birth to you vanished all I could see was you and all I cared about was that you were here and safe in my arms.

The past week has been one of learning for both of us and while things are not how I thought they would be I know that I am doing the best i can for you. It makes me sad that I can not feed you just my milk and that I need to give you formula as well but its what I have to do to make sure you are healthy and strong and don't end up back in the hospital.

We were in hospital for five days because you developed jauntice and they had to keep an eye on you to make sure that you would be okay. You were taken out of our room and put under lights in the nursery, I hated seeing you with a drip in your tiny little hand and hooked up to monitors when all I wanted was to hold you in my arms and tell you how much I love you. Since they allowed you out of the nursery and back to us I have told you many times a day how much I love you, I only hope that as you grow up you will never for a moment forget that mum and dad love you very much.

We have been home for two days now and things are not easy for either of us at the moment, you still have the jauntice and that is making you a very sleepy little man which is making it hard for you to drink from me and I am feeling sad that I am not feeding you, I hope that soon you will be able to feed just from me and not need the bottle of formula.

Life has changed so much in one week and I don't for a moment regret the changes. Our world currently revolves around you and seeing to your health and happiness. I have spent hours watching you, holding you and talking to you and I think that everytime I look at you I love you even more.

I never knew how much I needed you until you were here in the world with us little man. There is nothing that you could ever do or say that would cause me to love you any less. There is nothing in this world that would make your father and I ever regret having you. We look forward to guiding you in this world and teaching you right from wrong. We look forward to seeing you discover the world around you and helping you to make sense of what you discover but most of all we look forward to sharing our life with you and giving you all the love we can give you. Never doubt for a moment that you are wanted and loved and that we will do what ever we can to support you in this life.

love you always
Mum

The birth story of Samuel James

2009-12-30T16:46:00.000+11:00

When I went to bed on Tuesday 22nd December 2009 I some how knew that after the next day everything in my world would be different. As I tried to go to sleep I remember thinking to myself that my life would never be the same again and wondering what it would be like. I was 39+5 days pregnant and was well and truely over being pregnant all I wanted was to meet our baby and get started on the rest of our lives. As the night grew later I tried hard to sleep knowing that I could go into labour anyday and that I needed my rest to make sure I had the energy for labour but sleep that night was not easy to find. All night I was up and down going to the bathroom, litrally ever hour I felt that I needed to go but when I got there nothing happened. At the time it never occured to me that the feeling to go to the bathroom was a prelabour sign as I expected my waters to break or to get a show before contractions started.

Wednesday morning rolled in and it was a nice sunny day, I was exhausted and wanted to sleep but had to go to an appointment with the Ob. The Ob for once was running almost on time seeing me at 10.30am rather then 10.15am and as he examined me and I told him how I was feeling. (Lots of pelvic pain and pain in my stomach, back ache and exhausted) The Ob did an internal and found that I was 1 - 2cm dilated and that everything was looking ready to happen, he preformed a stretch and sweep and then told me to go home and rest as the way things were looking he thought that I would be meeting my baby in time for christmas.

On the way home from the Ob we stopped to get doughnuts and as I was sitting in the car I felt the first contraction of the day, I didn't think much of it at the time as contractions had been stopping and starting for two weeks at that point. We got doughnuts and headed home where I went upstairs to try and get some rest. I had been trying to sleep for an hour when I realised that my back ache was getting worse and that it was coming and going in waves. I asked Adam to get me a heatbag, took some panadol and continued trying to get some rest. At 1.30pm I gave up trying to rest, the backaches hurt too much and I started thinking this might actaully be it. I called the hospital and told them how I was feeling and they agreed that I was in early labour.

I got out of bed and into the shower where I stayed for an hour enjoying the warmth on my back eventaully though I had to get out as I needed to sit down. I headed downstairs and jumped on my computer trying to distract myself from contractions by surfing the net. At 2.30pm contractions were regular and I started timing them. They were about eight minutes apart and lasting for around 45 seconds. At that point I was dealing with them quite well just by breathing and using my stress balls. In between contractions I continued to play on my computer and chat to Adam and my mother, as the afternoon went on the contractions became more painful and at 6.00pm they were seven minutes apart and lasting up to a minute. I always planned to labour at home for as long as I could, until contractions were at least five minutes apart but at 6.00pm the pain was getting a lot worse, the house felt too hot to breath and I was almost in tears so I called the hospital and they said to head in when ever I was ready too. I told Adam that I thought he should warn his brother who was driving us that I would need to head to the hospital in an hour or two, ten minutes later his brother turned up and the two of them convinced me that we should head to the hospital now. I called the hospital again and told them we were on our way but i felt like I was failing already as contractions were not even five minutes apart and told the midwife on the phone that, she told me that there was nothing wrong with coming in earlier if I felt i needed too and so we headed of.

We arrived at the hospital a short time later and by 7pm we were settled in to our room with the midwife checking my blood pressure and monitoring how the baby was doing. I feared that contractions would stop on getting to the hospital but found that they quickly intensified, as the midwife set up the oil burner for me and read through my birth plan I breathed through contractions while Adam rubbed my back and reminded me to keep breathing. By the time the midwife finished monitoring bubs the stress balls were not enough to manage the pain and I asked if it was too early to get in the bath, the midwife laughed and said if I wanted the bath then it wasn't too early and went off to run it for me. Before I got in the bath she did an internal and found that at 8.00pm I was 4cm dilated, she commented that things seemed to be moving quickly.

The bath helped a lot but somehow it also seemed to make the contractions come stronger and quicker, it felt like I didn't have more then a minute between contractions before the next one would start and it was all I could do to focus on breathing. Mum and Adam were both beside the bath, my mum holding me up when a contraction would come so that my face wouldn't slip below the water and adam rubbing my back, encouraging me and letting me squeeze his hand. From this point in things are a little fuzzy.

I laboured in the bath and according to Adam at around 9pm the midwife had a quick look and could see that i was just about ready to push so she told me if i felt the urge to push just to go with it. Not long after it was all i could do not to push. Mum and Adam tell me that I was thrashing around in the bath as if I was trying to get away from the pain and groaning, I remember asking for the gas but only after a couple of contractions with the gas I was pushing the mouthpiece away from me yelling at them that it wasn't working (apprently I left it too long too ask and so by the time I did the pain had got to the point where it was too much to manage with the gas) I continued to labour in the bath and I remember feeling my water breaking with one contractions and seeing my show floating in the water. I remember hearing the midwife telling me that the baby was coming and she would be surprised if he wasn't there by midnight.

At around 10.30pm they got me out of the bath as mum and Adam were having trouble keeping my head above the water. At this stage I had already been pushing for over an hour and the midwife thought that changing positions would help so I laboured on all fours resting into a beanbag for a little while before she suggested I try sitting on the toilet, i wasn't there for long before i went back to the beanbag as it seemed more comfortable. I remember hearing Adam telling the midwife that I was struggling and that I was exhausted as I hadn't really slept the night before and that he was worried about me. I had said a few times before then that I couldn't do this and when I said i couldn't do this I hadn't been saying it because of the pain or the exhaustion but because something didn't seem quite right to me but of course nobody listens to a woman in labour when they say they can't do it. At this point it felt like the pain never stopped, like there was never a break between contractions it just kept coming and was all in my back feeling like he was trying to kick my spine out to get out and there was no break in the pain at all.

At 10.30pm midwife changed and the new midwife was encouraging me to push and helping talk me through breathing, Adam was sitting at the head of the beanbag holding my hand and cooling me down with a wet face cloth and mum was there rubbing my back and encouraging me. In between the intense bursts of pain that puncturated the on going pain I rested in to the bean bag and sobbed. The new midwife got me on to my back to see if holding my legs up and pushing that way would help and that position hurt more then any other position, while I was on my back she did an internal to find that the baby was stuck. It was about 11.30pm (The way they explained it to me later was that there is a bend that they have to get around to get out and that because he was coming out sideways he got stuck and couldn't get through)

From then on things happened so fast, I heard them telling me that I couldn't deliver him without some help and asking if I agreed to a vacume birth, I remember crying that I didn't care about my birth plan anymore that I just wanted it over. They called my Ob and instead of telling me to push were trying to get me to stop pushing but I felt like I had no control over it my body was pushing regardless of what I wanted. They bought in the bed and got me up on it and wheeled me back to the room we started in where they strapped the monitor on, after hours of being told to push it didn't make sense to me to suddenly be told not to stop and I just couldn't stop. The Ob took 20 minutes to get in and in that 20 minutes i remember hearing the midwifes talking and remember hearing them say he better get there soon, I remember hearing the alarms going off and Adam and mum telling me not to push that I had to wait for the doctor. Adam was holding my hand and mum was cooling me down with a face cloth and ice water and I was screaming. The doctor came in just before midnight and the room was full of people, the alarms kept going of, i kept screaming and crying and they were all pleading with me not to push and trying to get me to understand the instructions the doctor was giving me about when to push. At last I heard them all tell me to push and so I tried and then they told me to push without the noise and put all the noise I was making into the push. I pushed and pushed and pushed and then there wasn't anymore push left in me, i was out of breath and had nothing left to push and then the Ob was telling me that I had to keep pushing that I couldn't stop that he was almost out and somewhere in me I found something deep inside that let me keep pushing and suddenly I felt his head pop out followed quickly by his body. They quickly took the baby to the resus thing and worked on him for a few moments before I heard the best sound in the world - the sound of my little man screaming his lungs out and I asked if 'he was still a boy' while looking at Adam. (We had been debating for months if the scan really showed that the baby was a boy) and then he was being placed on my chest and i looked down at this tiny little boy and through my tears I said 'Hello little man, welcome to the world, daddy and I are going to love you and look after you and show you the world' then I looked up at Adam and said 'look what we made'

Samuel James came into the world at 12.08am 24th December 2009 and weighed 3.456kg. He made it into his due date by eight minutes proving everyone who was so sure that I was going to go early wrong.

2009-12-23T18:28:00.000+11:00

As I type this I stand at the edge of a new point in my life, a point that for a long time I thought that I would never reach, that it would never happen to me. For nine months I have nurtured and carried a child inside my womb, for nine months it often felt like he would never be here and that I would be pregnant for ever but now all of that is about to change. Sometime very soon I am going to be holding my first born child in my arms and my life as I know it now will never ever be the same again. I am excited, I am nervous, I am terrified that I am going to stuff up and screw him up in the process but when it comes down to it I know that I can and will be a good mother. In these last moments of the life where the only person that I have to really consider their needs is myself all I can think about it how much I look forward to holding my baby in my arms and and guiding him as he grows up and explores the world around him, I look forward to watching him discover new things and learn new skills and I look forward to the new challenges that being a mother will bring to my life.

I have now been in labour for three hours and i can say even at this point in time this early in that the contractions are already worse then I ever imagined they would be so early but so far I am coping and I am breathing through them. I know that each contraction has a purpose, that it is a healthy pain and that it means my little boy is on his way and that soon he will be here. I know that if they get bad enough that I can not handle them on my own that I am allowed to ask for pain releif and that if I need pain releif that I have not failed. My goal right now is to have as natural a birth as a can but over riding that the goal is to deleiver our child in the safest way we can for both him and I, if it means that i need help to cope with the pain then I will do what ever it is that I need to do.

Notes: This jouranl entry was made only half an hour before we decided we had to call our ride to the hospital as the pain was getting to be too hard to bare. We arrived at the hospital at 7pm and Samuel was born at 12.08am the following morning.

2009-12-07T16:25:00.000+11:00

Dear Bubbles,
For the past 37 and a bit weeks I have carried you in my womb, you have been a part of me yet already your own little being with its only little beating heart and functioning brain, no matter what the future holds you will always be a part of me and a part of your father too, carrying both our genes but no matter where life will take us I will never forget the time that I carried you in my womb, the time that nothing could be any closer to my heart then you are.

For months I have loved you without ever seeing your face or knowing you as an individual person but very soon the months of waiting to meet you will be over. Its sometimes hard to get my mind around the fact that in only a short time you will be here, that I will hold you in my arms and be able to gaze down into your eyes and look upon the miracle and wonder that is a newborn baby. What an amazing miracle the continuation of the human species is, to think that you form from two tiny cells much smaller then the eye can see and then over what is realisticly only a short span of time those two cells become a fully fuctional little human being. Its an amazing wonderous process that I feel truely blessed to have been able to experience.

As I sit here typing this I can feel you moving around in my womb sometimes a gentle wave other times a sharp kick but each movement a precious sign that you are there and that everything is okay with you. Today I got to see you again, you have grown so much since our last scan 17 weeks ago, to clearly see your heart and other organs, to see your little head and your spine and all the bits that make you a whole human in your own right is amazing. I can not wait until you are here my precious little man, until I can hold you and share this world with you, guiding you and teaching you the things that you need to know.

2009-08-06T20:12:00.000+10:00

Dear baby,

We saw you again today and you are growing so well. I am amazed all
the time at the human bodies ability to grow a competly new life
within it. You look just like a baby now and even your organs have
grown and are already active. This week I am twenty weeks pregnant
which means that we have reached the half way mark in another twenty
weeks you will be right here with us and together with daddy we will
be a family.

The biggest thing to happen today is that we found out that you are a
boy now that we know what you are we can think of a name for you. So
far we like Liam and Samuel. I wonder if you will like the name we
choose for you or if you will grow up wishing we had named you
something else, I guess if you don't like it then we can always let
you change it when you are older.

I will end this note here with a quote from a wise bear "sometimes,
said winnie the pooh, the smallest things take up the biggest place in
our hearts."

I love you so much already my baby boy

Love mum.

Week 13

2009-06-18T21:06:00.000+10:00

Dear Baby,

You scared the hell out of us today. I had some spotting and bad pain in the area that you are in and was almost sure that i was losing you so the doctor sent me off for an ultrasound and there you were. Your growing really well and your heartbeat is still nice and strong. Your an active little bub and wouldn't sit still to allow the doctor to get a good photo of you for me but oh well I guess I will just have to be patient and hope that at the next scan you will co-operate with the nice scan person. Your due date has been changed to the date I have said it was since the start December 23rd. It was awsome to see how much you have grown in a few weeks, to see your little legs and arms as you were flipping all over the place in my belly but what was even more amazing was that in the scan we could even see your brain. To think that you are resembling a realy baby more and more everyday and that you even have a brain now it an awe inspiring thought. Apprently this week you have also started to urinate as well as growing eye lashes and other body hair.

I can't wait to see you again at our scan in six weeks time.

Love Mummy.

Blood test results

2009-04-21T13:29:00.000+10:00

Dear Baby,

Yesterday the results to the blood tests came back and confirmed what we already knew from the other tests, It was nice to have the blood tests confirmed, to know that this is really happening and see the estimated due date on the doctor's computer screen. The Doctor tells me that you are due around December 18th, however I know exactly when you were made and because I know exactly when you were made I know that you are really due around the 23rd December.

December now seems both so very far away while at the same time seeming like it will be here in no time at all. Our lives are about to go through the biggest change they have ever gone though and i am both excited and nervous. I can't wait to look down at you in my arms and count your little fingers and toes and know that you are the special little gift given to us by the great ones. I can't wait to watch as you grow from a tiny baby into a toddler, child and then on to being a teenager and an adult. It is a long journey my precious one but daddy and I will be there to guide you through it.

Love Mummy

2009-04-20T19:35:00.000+10:00

Well it's not dear Nobody anymore now it's a dear somebody or even a dear Baby.

Today I heard the two words that a little part of me thought I would never hear and they were the best two words that I have ever heard. Your're pregnant. There's so many thought swirling through my brain right now an so many emotions that I can not even begin to describe them. All my life I knew that one day I would have my own baby, that I would become the mother but as time went on and I didn't fall pregnant I began to convince myself that there was something wrong with me. To hear those words when only six months ago I was told that I may never get pregnant naturally was music to my ears.

Right now I think the best way to sum up how I am feeling is shell shocked as is Adam but I am so very very happy to at last know that I am going to be a mummy.

2009-04-09T19:30:00.000+10:00

Dear nobody or somebody who knows, perhaps I am writing this for a baby growing inside of me to read one day in the future or perhaps I am writing it just to cronical my TTC journey.

This month was out first month back at being able to have some fun since Adam's accidant in December and we are not really expecting anything, we haven't put any pressure on ourselves to do the deed at any particular time just when we have felt like it. This month in preparation for trying to conceive i took note of what was happening with my body, of when we did the deed and of what my CM looked like. As a result of taking note of these things I am well aware that we did the deed right when we needed too to conceive and while I am trying hard not to get my hopes up there is a little voice in the back of my mind that wonders if just maybe this month is our month. If just maybe we will at last have the greatest gift in our lives forming and taking shape inside of me. I am afraid to let myself hope though, afraid of the dissapointment that will follow if I get AF visiting this month.

One of the hardest and most annoying things about trying to conceive is that all the early warning signs of pregnancy are also symptoms of PMS. Despite knowing that I have been experiencing some symptoms that I don't usualy exprience during PMS. I have been nausea and have vomited a couple of times, Some of the foods that I usualy love I have gone of completley (Sweet stuff, rich foods, anything fatty or oiley, most meats and most carbohydrates) and just the smell of them has been enough to make me feel like I am going to vomit. Besides the food aversions and nasuea my emotions have been all over the place, my skin is breaking out in pimples (which is never does) and I have been exhausted very easily (though could that be my CFS coming back?) The biggest things that makes me wonder is that yesterday I got cramps and if I am pregnant yesterday was around the time that implantation should have happened.

Beyound the physical I have had quite a few vivid dreams all involving children, me protecting them or even one where I gave birth. If I am pregnant then the night that we conceived I had a dream that I had got pregnant and gave birth to twin boys then last night which would have been around the time in inplantation i dreamt again of being pregnant. Now I know these dreams could just be coming as a result of me really wanting a baby but what if there not? What if it is real and inside me right now cells are dividing and forming the embryo that will turn in a beautiful baby?

If my cycles were not so irregular it would make life easier. THey have ranged from 28 days to 42 over the last six months so it is really hard to know if and even when I am fertile. THis month though we did the did both when i would be fertile on a 28 day cycle and when i would be fertile on a 32 day cycle (which my cycle has been the last two months)

Now I play the waiting game, waiting to see if AF arrives, waiting to see if the cramps were just my bodies warning that AF is coming or if they were something much more.

Week 6

2009-04-05T14:48:00.000+10:00

Dear Baby,

I saw you for the first time last week, so tiny, not even the size of my little finger nail. You look like a tiny jelly bean at the moment and only measure around the 4mm mark. 4mm may not sound like a lot but when I consider that you have grown from something so much smaller then the naked eye could see to something about the size of a grain of rice in only about four weeks then I am amazed. When I stop and think of how much growing you have to do and of how quickly it happens I really am amazed by what the human body can do.

The Doctor at the scan told me that everything looks just fine, you have implanted in the right position the yolk sac which nourshes you as the placenta is forming is there and of course there is the foetal pole which is you, you just haven't formed a recognizable human shape yet but it won't be long until you do.

As for me my hormones are all over the place sometimes I am overly happy while other times I feel sad for no reason at all or feel grumpy and less tolerant of things that usualy don't bother me. My 'morning sickness' has changed from a sometimes thing to an almost constant feeling of nasuea and occassional vomiting. I am tired a lot of the time and so am just spending my days taking it easy, getting pleanty of rest and eating when I cam stomach food. I have lost almost 2kg of weight in the last two weeks though thats not surprising considering how sick I have been.